ABC has announced the cast for the upcoming Bachelor Pad, which has been combining competition, intrigue, and various bodily fluids of alumni of the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise since 2010.
For the first time, the cast will include a few newcomers with no previous relationship to the franchise aside from being “superfans.” But first, the roll call of the repeaters. How many of these crazies can you recall?
Blakeley Shea (Ben’s season): Spectacular body, less than spectacular brain. She’s the prototypical Bachelor Pad contestant.
Ed Swiderski (Jillian’s season): He and Jillian got engaged. The fact that he’s here is probably a bad sign for those two, then?
Erica Rose (Lorenzo’s season): The boobtastic socialite, also on last year’s Bachelor Pad, is a law student, proving that the LSAT just gets easier every year.
Jaclyn Swartz (Ben): There are enough women from Ben’s season to form the basis of an alliance. But did any of them actually like Jaclyn?
Jamie Otis (Ben): Last we saw of her, she was attempting the most awkward seduction this side of your junior prom.
Kalon McMahon (Emily’s season): He was famously not down with the idea of becoming a stepfather. My guess is that will be just fine with all the women in this cast.
Lindzi Cox (Ben): Has probably spent the last several months on a nonstop bender celebrating that Ben asked someone else to marry him.
Michael Stagliano (Jillian): He was a big part of the drama on last season’s Bachelor Pad. Since then, he’s had to witness his Bachelor ex marry someone else from the show, so he’s even more of a glutton for punishment than most.
Nick Peterson (Ashley’s season): Never did much on The Bachelorette, which means he’s probably going to be some kind of dominator this summer.
Rachel Truehart (Ben): Probably better remembered for that throaty voice than for anything she did on the show.
Reid Rosenthal (Jillian): The guy who made a last-ditch effort to come back to The Bachelorette, only to get dumped a second time.
Ryan Hoag (DeAnna’s season): He made it only two weeks on The Bachelorette. Why is he here?
Sarah Newlon (Brad Womack’s first season): Her claim to fame is that she apparently made out with Reid when he still officially had a girlfriend. She should fit right in.
Tony Pieper (Emily): Last seen crying because he missed his son. Guess he got over it.
There is one more person from the current Bachelorette season on the show, whose name will be revealed as soon as his shot at Emily has ended. Also, we have five superfans, or actually six superfans playing five people.
Brittany and Erica Taltos: The identical twins, who were supporting players (pun intended) on the third season of Jersey Shore, will be playing as one person in the house. The gimmick here is that Erica is a virgin – hey, that’s what she says – while Brittany is, um … I think “more experienced” is the nice way to put it. A virgin in the Bachelor Pad house might cause some kind of thermonuclear issue.
Chris Bain: This self-described country boy is said to enjoy “flashing his tats,” which isn’t very different from what most of the women will be doing in the pad.
David Mallet: He’s a MMA fighter who has expressed an interest in Lindzi. All you need, David, is to be more intelligent than one of her horses. Oops.
Donna Zitelli: This fan claims that people underestimate her intelligence. She also says she’d like to date Michael Stagliano, which tends to contradict that previous sentence.
Paige Vigil: This jumbotron operator once had a gig writing recaps of The Bachelor for her college paper. This clearly makes her the favorite, since recapping these shows is catnip to the opposite sex. Seriously, you should read my e-mail.