#BB14 Power Rankings Week 7

With the RNC and football going on, last night was a busy night. But at 3am in Belgium, I was up and ready to see either Britney or Danielle go home. I knew it would be Britney. We all did.

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Sorry. I just needed to get a few more of those out. That was me last night. We knew it was going to be either Joe or Jenn. Right? I wanted a real punishment. What I got was a hula hoop. If you don’t follow feeds then the hula hoop went over your head. But I’ll explain better later.

On to what’s left of the once very full house:

BRITNEY: Oh Britney. This was the week I was finally going to award you some points I cheated you out of this summer. But now you’re gone. Sigh. You were figuring things out along the way yet you still sat there and CRIED at Dan’s funeral. There are so many good and bad things about you but at the end of the day, you suck at this game. But that’s okay because you’re pretty and married and will find another job doing what you do best: never shutting your mouth. I would love to sit and shoot the shit with you one day. Thanks for sticking up for Ian while Frank was laying into him. It was nice seeing someone stick up for anybody for a change. But it’s too bad you were more obsessed with the smell of the Have Not room when Dan came out of Solitary Disco Confinement instead of catching on to the stench of Dan’s very transparent and used condom salesman speech. End of story. OVERALL POINTS: FAIL

SHANE: You were actually the first to start crying during Dan’s funeral (-95 points) in dramatic fashion with a flutter in your eye once or twice before the waterworks flowed. It was very Nathan Lane in Birdcage. Um, you scored ZERO points in the Draw Something POV competition (-25 points). And while Britney and Ian were trying not to let their eyeballs fall out of their sockets during the POV Ceremony, you looked like you were contemplating taking a soothing bubble bath. Or a dump. Whichever suited your mood the best. Do you have any idea of what’s going on in the house (-15 points)? Without your competition wins you are as delightful to watch on the feeds as the fish in the HOH tank. Good job coming in behind Ian during last night’s HOH competition though (+50 points). And you actually did the best thing for yourself in voting Britney out (+100 points). The coaches have to go. OVERALL POINTS: +15 points

IAN: You seem to have lost your potty mouth plug because you’ve been spewing big bad words like “bullshit” and “horseshit” and “f*ck” and “motherf*ck” all week. You have to stop. You’re not good at it (-35 points). I’d much rather hear you go through the Periodic Table of Elements, Walter White style. But you won the Pandora’s Box Veto (+65 points) under tremendous pressure, and Dan being a dick, and you took another HOH (+20 points). I have to admit watching your facial expressions while Britney was put up in place of Dan really tugged at my heart strings. It was like watching an after-school special where the nerdy kid next door, Ian, has to say goodbye to his babysitter crush, Britney, at the end of the summer. I’m happy for you that you got to host the POV Competition, but hearing you butcher words like “Or Devours” instead of hors d’oeuvre and “Skoo-er” instead of skewer nearly killed me (-15 points). And how on earth did you get all misty eyed and mesmerized by Dan’s funeral (-45 points)? You know his M.O.! And you know Dan’s sister does not need Dan’s assistance setting up dates. I appreciate you owning up to your mistake last week though (+25 points). OVERALL POINTS: +15

FRANK: You were all over the place this week and wore yourself out (-55 points). I appreciate your passion but sometimes you really just need to zip it. But keep your shirt off. Thanks. Well, you won HOH in a big way (+60 points) and then you went and drowned yourself in green goo, gave yourself 24-hour chum, and got stuck in a carrot suit and gave up a chance at HOH the following week (-50 points) in an attempt to win POV, only to be DQ’d for cheating (-20 points). And with the POV essentially in your hands anyway, via Jenn, you still went and saved Dan this week. What was the point of this week for you? Ian had to wear a dog suit and he never chased his tail the way you have been lately. I get that you “have nobody left” but you need to follow through on you gut decisions otherwise you’re just The Carrot Who Cried Wolf in Dan’s Clothing. You still are and will always be a big target in this game. You say you’ve “been stabbed in the back a million times already”, yet I feel like you sometimes offer your back up and let them. What Would Nana Do?!?! Come on! You have to win this for Nana! But you did get a coach out at the end of the day (+65 points). Kudos. But you need to stop the “Mi dos” because it doesn’t mean “me too” like you think it does, but “me two” which is No Bueno, Frank. And also no bueno is “dedicating” nominations in evicted HGs names (-25 points). Come on now. OVERALL POINTS: -25

JENN: You are always the last to know everything (-15 points). Even Julie Chen knew Ian had screwed Frank and Boogie yet it was like Frank had told you an ancient Eudy secret when he told you about it all. Your default response to strategy talk or news revelations is “oh my gahhhd”. But WHERE did you come from to win that POV competition (+35 points)?! In addition knock Dan out in the last round and foil his efforts to win POV for himself (+5 points)?! Who cares. You take him off the block anyway (-25 points)?! Even though you’re gonna be on slop for the rest of the summer. But actually, I have to give you props for going all in and taking that slop (+35 points) because it did show you have heart, no matter how very rough you are around the edges. And after having burned my fishnet top during my season, it was entertaining to see your clothes burn (+25 points). But please don’t use words like “Nudey-Poody” (-25 points). Not everything has to rhyme like Danielle’s fake kindergarten class. What I want to know is: How did you not say something or just laugh when Dan said Dan said you are the ONLY lesbian he’s ever met? That felt
very odd to me. You are the kind of person Dan needs in that house (-15 points) and you’ll keep riding the free ride train. Jenn City meets Jennis Rodman, next stop. OVERALL POINTS: +20

JOE: You are such a hot mess that it’s almost getting endearing (+25 points). But you are still gross to me as someone who feeds mouths (-45 points). I appreciated you having something back to say to Frank while he was all mouthing off his adrenaline rush. “Do you know how this game is played?” that you threw back at him was a pretty good comeback I must say. You actually scored points during the first HOH competition I was so impressed (+15 points). But this last Endurance HOH you were out first (-5 points) as expected and your punishment was to hula hoop on command for 24 hours, if I’m correct. Charming. And you didn’t even get to play in the last POV Competition, which sucks for you. But it doesn’t matter. You are just cooking and otherwise contaminating the house and bodies in that house towards the end of summer (-15 points). They say ignorance is bliss and I believe you are pretty blissful in that house right now (+35 points) despite your cries of anguish in the diary room. OVERALL POINTS: +10

DAN: You turned around in 24 hours what every other coach couldn’t do in a month of being in that house with you (+80 points). Congratulations for getting Frank (+25 points) to convince Jenn (+25 points) to use the POV on you (+15 points) and not Danielle (+5 points). Your bullshit would not have worked with more worthy opponents, but in that house what is important is being able to work with what CBS gives you. And so if it was a funeral you had to stage to make it happen, it was a smashing success (+10 points). But I really do have a problem with the whole use of The Bible thing. It’s unnecessary. You can win without using it as a ticket into Frank’s HOH room, can’t you (-50 points)? I watched you a lot on the feeds as of
late and I thank you for giving us something to watch (+10 points). But I still find you smarmy (-20 points)?. And when you cried in the diary room telling us all dramatically that you live for three things: “My wife and my family, coaching, and this game,” I was screaming in my head that’s four things not three hey Dan! And I think you may have flipped a switch during the Pandora’s Box Veto Competition because you went into asshole mode and Dan The Evangelist disappeared. Woah. You did tell us in the diary room that your intent is to go to final two with Frank, so I look forward to seeing how this unfolds (+5 points). And P.S. people wrote in saying I should award you more points for keeping your cool during Boogie’s tantrum and they are right, I should (+5 points). There. I’m stingy. OVERALL POINTS: +100

DANIELLE: You must be thrilled to the heavens and back that Frank called you a “victim of circumstance” when he nominated you next to Dan. You love being a victim, period. But everyone lets you, just like everyone let’s Dan do his thing, and so this is a good twosome you have (+15 points). Plus you have Shane, who worked for your safety (+25 points) while he was the last one standing with Ian in the Endurance HOH. You are so craved for attention that you jump at the opportunity to be shackled to Britney. I’m happy for you though that you got all splattered with paint because it was funny to hear Jenn drooling all over the place giving you all sorts of compliments in the diary room about it. She’s so hot for you Danielle. Eternal thanks for providing screencaps of your face as Dan lay into you during his funeral (+25 points) although I should probably be thanking him. Whatevs. It makes me want to spray paint your face if not for the fact that my Mac would be ruined when I watch you on feeds sometimes. Especially when you say things like, “Dan, I would have gone home for you”. Well, WTF are you doing in that house if not to win for yourself (-35 points)?! Ugh. They didn’t show it on television but you’ve been dying from some rash and ailment on the feeds for days now. I guess you survived, so hooray. OVERALL POINTS: +30

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Before we get to the scoreboard, just a few housekeeping notes:

MOST NEEDING EVICTION: Pandora’s Box. It’s getting old so if we just rename it the Producer’s Box then we can all move on and congratulate Frank for winning $1.05 + $7.11 +$3,333.33 and laugh at Dan for losing two POV opportunities that were lined up for him to win. Me no likey Pandora’s Box.

TWITTER VIP OF THE WEEK: Ian (+20 points)

I got a specific request from Ms. Jen Monti asking that I give you “tons” of points. I’m very greedy though so if tons means 20 to you then I award you tons.

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And at the end of this seventh week of BB: Ian’s taken over the #1 spot yet again! And Dan’s making moves!