Jeff and Dani sitting in a jeep
L – E – A – V – I – N – G
Then comes Rachel with a baby carriage!
Everything’s rigged! Rachel’s period is rigged! This Power Rankings blog is rigged!
I confess. Friends, family and fans of HGs have been sending me money through PayPal (rigged too) so I would award points accordingly this week. Needless to say I’m $3.48 richer.
Seriously. What’s with all this “rigged” bullshit? Have people just stopped taking accountability for their actions?! It’s bad enough HGs blame everything on “production” but now fans believe it too? Stop watching then.
And we wonder why the world is in a state of economic crisis…blame game is lame game. Coolio.
Both Jeff and Dani are gone now to join Brendon (who, according to his Feyoncé Rachel, is “gonna be deciding who wins…um, one sole vote folks) in the jury house.
We’ve reached Day 55 in BB13 house and so I am awarding all remaining HGs 55 points. Adam won’t have much of that 55 by the time I’m done though.
But first…starting in our usual order …
RACHEL – You brought up your teeth early in the game as something Brendon said, “you paid enough money for”. You still look like a toothless baglady. Really. Even my momz would tell you “Oh my gah, go getting the your money back ok, get leefund!”
- Growth: Your drunken harassment of Dani was fun to watch although your “One time…when I turned 25, like last year” did nothing to help validate your college degree (-5 points). You still believe everything both inside and outside the house revolves around winning competitions (-5 points) hence your lame live vote speech that people in the studio audience actually laughed at. Calling Shelly an “old lady” in the diary room was funny shit though (+5 points). And I don’t know if you get your period twice a month, but I really don’t see how you could be two weeks late on your period like you told Jordan on the feeds tonight. Was it yet another ploy to get attention like when you told Brendon Jeff sexually harassed you in his absence? You’re an embarrassment (-5 points). And I’m not talking about just when you’re picking out your sequined wedgie. Overall Growth: -5 points
- Game: I know you don’t believe me, but had you told Dani in her goodbye message that you considered keeping her but didn’t want to ultimately risk it, you might have actually had a chance at getting her vote should you make it to final two. But you didn’t and instead called her “a horrible bitch” (-5 points). And despite your belief that you can win any competition you want, coincidentally your “molder” Jeff always thought the same thing, you have not won shit in a while (-5 points). But it’s not even about winning competitions and you still don’t get that (see Shelly). Overall Game: -10 points
JORDAN – Don’t ever let Shelly teach you how to strip again. Ask Porsche next time. Jeff might have found it sexy, but then again Jeff finds Adam sexy at this point in the game. I couldn’t tell whether you were trying to be sensual or practicing for a discus throw in The Olympics.
- Growth: Your mimicking Porsche and Dani while in bed with Jeff was entertaining (+5 points) and refreshing to see compared to your usual “uh/duh/huh” faces. You also gave Shelly a fierce verbal lashing tonight after the liveshow (+5 points), and although we’ll never see it on television, we all saw on the feeds how you dropped dirty dirty f-bombs at her. I have never seen you that angry and now, hey, THAT was some sexy shit. Overall Growth: +10 points
- Game: We all know you won your season of BB but you still don’t get the fact that people do what they have to get to the end (-5 points) even if it means turning on you. Can’t you just stick to your simple life and leave the game to others? Go practice saying “yes” when Jeff proposes to you. Zingbot knows best even if it is made in China. Oh, and I gave you props last week for giving that phone call home to Shelly as a good game move but unfortunately you threw that in her face tonight with “I gave you that fucking phone call!” and well, it turns out you’re not selfless after all (-5 points). Overall Game: -10 points
KALIA – You’re lucky the Zingbot didn’t comment about your over-eating. By this time my season I got a whole montage of my over-eating but you got lucky.
- Growth: Your burp tonight on the liveshow was disgusting (-5 points) and actually worse than Rachel’s live peeing weeks ago. Worse than something Rachel did (-10 points)?!?! And although it was not televised, you melted into a blubbering vat of butter this week being up on the block with Dani (-5 points) talking about going home so she could stay. WTF?! Have your cholesterol levels gone straight to your brain? Do you have no friends that you are so desperate to cling on to Dani as your “best friend” after knowing her just long enough to eat all her HOH food? And your attempt at “zing” with ““I’m actually here to bust my butt, not host things in a bikini” about Porsche did not work (-5 points). Why? Because we all thank our respective gods that you have not been hosting anything in a bikini. Overall Growth: -25 points
- Game: You blew whale blubber at the “Zingbot Laboratory” POV (-5 points) but you pulled off a HUGE HOH win (+10 points) after Dani got evicted. And you didn’t put up anyone in your alliance (+5 points) and you even broke the tie to send Jeff home (+5 home). You made more progress in 15 minutes than you did the first 55 days! And I see you now high-fiving and aligning with Adam on the feeds after the liveshow. Moralyl it’s despicable, but as far as gameplay he’s probably the only person you could beat in a final two (+5 points). Overall Game: +15 points
SHELLY – Remind me never to let you get in my face when you’re yelling at me. Or ever for that matter. You is scary. Oh, and you got the BEST zing with “What do you call someone who likes to smoke, hunt and fish?! A DUDE.”
- Growth: Watching you give Jeff the “Uh-huh, I’m listening, but I’m really thinking about mounting your head on my trophy wall at home” was a highlight for me tonight (+5 points). Rachel should have taken a page from your book instead of laughing at Dani the way she did last night, although the other day Rachel butchered this saying when she said you had taken a book from Kathy from her season. Sigh. The whole book. Overall Growth: +5 points
- Game: You had the right idea telling Rachel that Jeff had thrown the cornhole POV competition (+5 points) but then you went and charged after her a short time later in all your gonadic glory. Do we have to go over this again? You can’t get all Aileen Wournos on people (-5 points). It scares them. It didn’t work week 5 when you went thug on Dani in the HOH and it didn’t work this time with Rachel. You did however take a huge risk this week turning on JeJo last minute (+5 points) leading ultimately to Jeff’s eviction. And now Porsche is HOH so how sweet for you (+5 points). Overall Game: +10 points
ADAM – You were probably the luckiest of them all with the zings this week. Uncle Fester is actually preferable to you…at least he was loaded. What do you have? This. Ew.
- Growth: To add to last week’s “You’re getting creepier” I will add to it “You’re getting creepier and have fallen deeper into love with Big Jeff’s musty balls” (-5 points). When it came down to voting either Kalia or Dani out, you gave a slimy “Sorry Dick I’m evicting your daughter Daniele” live vote in the diary room (-5 points). Are you also into older musty balls? Do you have daddy issues? Please don’t go Malin on us and get outed in a few years for taboo fetish shit. We already know about you dressing up like furry animals and having sex. Thanks. Overall Growth: -10 points
- Game: You threw last night’s HOH (-5 points) and you sucked in POV (-5 points) and you gave your vote for Jeff to stay knowing Rachel would be left in the house with you once the tie was broken by Kalia (-5 points). Even if you tell us you did it to “secure” Jeff’s jury vote should you go to final two, I’m telling you that you didn’t have to. You have no chance in bacon hell of winning this season. Overall Game: -15 points
PORSCHE – Does this mean your goodwill trip to Cambodia with Jeff is off?
- Growth: Be sure to either burn your tracksuits or hand them over to Brendon for his cancer research as I am SURE by now there are some microscopic bacterial monsters living in them. Ew (-5 points). But I loved what a good sport you were (+5 points) about your zing, “Shouldn’t you be named after a car with a roomier trunk?” For a split second I saw what Janelle might actually see in you to like you. And seeing you give Dani your vote, and all the other votes you have stuck to, shows your consistency (+5 points). It also provides you potential points to bring up in your final two speech should you get there. But if you’re wearing that horrendous outfit you wore during nominations, you may get zero votes. Overall Growth: +5 points
- Game: Your attempt at gametalk with Jeff was so painful to watch (+5 points) I actually wished for a second that it was the Brenchel trashbag wedding instead. And your “How many times can a girl get second place before she finally wins something around here?”…well I would have answered “You shouldn’t have jinxed your big ass by throwing that first POV competition” but I held off and saw you kill the POV (+5 points) competition after Kalia won HOH. Well done. And then you went and took HOH after the liveshow ended (+10 points). Quite a week for you. Overall Game: +20 points
Let’s get on to revealing the leader board, BUT FIRST, some notable mention:
Most Improved: Rachel
I can’t believe I am awarding this to you. But I have to give you credit for being some sort of pillar of strength for little Jordan right now. And also for doing more than Adam did in actually separating Jordan and Shelly who were fighting. Okay that’s all. I have to stop now because I’m getting dizzy from awarding you points. Bonus: + 10 points
Most Expect the Unexpected Moment: Shelly
For me, the most unexpected moment, was when you went straight up to the HOH room when Big Jeff was King Jeff and told Rachel straight-up she’d best stop giving you evil eyes like the one above. Good for you. You did it in a civilized manner and not like Jeffrey Dahmer. See? It is possible. Bonus: +5 points
Unsung Hero: Mischievous
Like your brothers and sisters “Emasculated” and “Parmesan” and countless others butchered this summer, you too fell victim at the hands of Jeff and Jordan. They made you a dirty 4-syllable word when all you’ve wanted all your life was to remain 3 syllables. My apologies.
AND NOW…Final Tally For The Week: The departure of Dani and Jeff has opened up the #1 and # 2 spots. Porsche is #1 and remains of Shelly at #2!