I don’t know where to begin. But I know the word “friend” has been thrown around and overused so much this week that it makes a used Porsche seem almost new.
So I will begin in song…my apologies (in advance) to the producers and cast of Friends:
So no one told Rachel that it would be this way
Her life’s a joke, she’s broke, her love life’s DOA
It’s like she’s always stuck in sequined gear and it’s never been her day, her week, her month or even her year, but
Brendon weeps for her when the shit starts to pour
Brendon weeps for her like a john needs his whore
Brendon weeps for her
’cause he has made her weep too-oo.
Speaking of weeping, why was Kalia bawling as she voted to evict Dominic?! The least she could have done was throw him a pity vote like Dani did after the theatrics.
Dominic’s speech was way too long, all he had to say was “I deserve to go, maybe more than Keith, because I threw the POV competition. The End”. But alas, we are finally down to the Round of 10.
That makes Dominic what, the THIRD newbie to throw away $500K because Brenchel said so? Only a starving North Korean would throw a POV if Brenchel told them to…with the backing of Kim Jong-Il and promises of a bag of rice of course. Scary scenario.
And so just in case you don’t know yet DANI is HOH! She won the endurance competition! And so for her 94 minutes up on those stupid surfboards, I mean, skis…I am awarding each HG 94 points! I can’t believe CBS is running out of ideas and budget that they have to “repeat” so many past competitions and slap a different name on them. And when I say I “can’t” I really mean I “can”.
I always appreciate another eye to check my numbers. But lest you worry your pretty little BB heads that my scoring system is not accurate…I’ll tell you now that it is. But if you still have doubts, post your email address in the comments section for me and I will personally send you the Excel spreadsheet I have been recording in every week. Deal? Denunzio.
And without further ado:
RACHEL –How many of these tops do you have exactly? Is your closet half sequins and half other wrongs?
- Growth: I hated working out in that house. It’s impressive to see you working out so diligently every morning, etc. (+10 points) in an effort to be a svelte bride to your “fiancé”. And btw, everyone’s getting really sick of you throwing that word around (-5 points) like it means “handbag” or something. Can you maybe use “betrothed” or “issue” from now on? As much as you fight with Brendon you seem to realize “this isn’t much of a relationship…” You said it Rachel (+10 points) not me, I just quote you. Perhaps you are growing up. Or maybe not. Your behavior post-Luxury competition was unbecoming of the lady you strive and continuously fail to be. What was up with the tantrum dude (-5 points)? It’s only David Hasselhoff. Relax. However, you did not cry in a bush this week (+5 points). Overall Growth: +15 points
- Game: Not only did you not win the POV competition, you successfully killed yet another word in the English language (-5 points). It’s Moisturizing! Despite my very personal dislike of you as of late, I have to say you did a pretty good job of holding it together during most of the HOH meetings this week (+10 points), really (+10 points), after a rocky cocky HOH start. It’s Brendon that triggers this super annoying side of you. Yuck. until you couldn’t help but flap those insufficiently botoxed lips of yours during the EPIC house meeting (-5 points) resulting in being called an idiot by Dani. But you are an idiot and it was a joy to hear so thanks (+10 points). Overall Game: +20 points
BRENDON – You did it. You cried. I screenshot it. It was inevitable and now we can move on with the rest of the summer.
- Growth: Just when we thought we couldn’t dislike you more… It wasn’t televised but you bitched to Rachel about the letter she got from her sister in her HOH basket because you were not “mentioned” in it (-5 points) after you “let” Rachel win. Take a hint. Nobody cares. Or don’t take that hint. Nobody cares. And for the record dude…when you are ready to forever marry someone you don’t keep tabs on what you did for them (-5 points). Oh, and your attempt at wit fell short with your “Venus Fly Donato” quip (-5 points) when trying to imply that Dani’s a man-eater. It’s not gonna stick dude. But good try (+5 points). Oh and the “I’m risking my fucking PhD to be here?” you threw at Rachel (-5 points)? Um, did you not get the memo? You’ve been risking that shit and more since you stepped into that house LAST year…probably before that. Subtotal: -15 Points
- Game: You won POV (+10 points) after making noise that you would (+5 points) spelling out the same word you did last year (-5 points). But if it ain’t broke no need to fix it right? Well done (+10 points) even if Dom did throw the competition there’s no guarantee the kid would’ve won so it’s a moot point…so no point deduction…you won. And I’ve said this already but the way you talk down to Rachel…it didn’t work with Cassi and it certainly will never work with Dani (-5 points). That shit-talking you do is definitely broken, so you best fix it Bookie. Do you really want to be the person you are now in 10 years? Subtotal: +15 points
JEFF – You completely freaked out about possibly getting backdoored this week which really shouldn’t be surprising since your worst nightmare is to one day wake up Dumbledore’s bitch.
- Growth: Most would think that you are growing by leaps and bounds as a citizen of the free world, but clearly editing helps (-5 points). We got to see some but not all of you raising your voice and flexing your muscles and knitting those perfectly threaded brows into a menacing form on television (-5 points). But the feeds do not lie. Oh, and of course we didn’t get to see it on the liveshow but we know you hissed at Jordan to shut up when the house meeting happened (-5 points). Whatever works dude. Oh and thanks for basically sharing with us that Jordan’s vajayjay is hairless and “clean down there” (+5 points), because that’s what makes “Big Jeff” happy. As if any one of us had a doubt? Not I. Overall Growth: -10 points
- Game: You didn’t win POV which you should have given a little more effort to if you thought your sweet firm ass was at risk of getting backdoored (-5 points) but at least this time you were focused enough to spell an actual word (+5 points) as opposed to “Technotronics” from Season 11. I give you credit for being able to laugh it off this week though (+5 points). You “won” Luxury by default because of your well-groomed girlfriend (-5 points) but hey, you got to have sushi and use real chopsticks so no harm done (+5 points). But you also failed to win HOH (-5 points) this week which makes you 0-3 in a very dangerous week. Oh, and Dom called you a “dickhole” on his way out. I just wanted to get that in there, no pun intended. Overall Game: 0 points
JORDAN – You’re so pretty. And that’s fair because you have a good heart under that blanket of blankness. Such a good heart that you didn’t know about Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan?!
- Growth: I deducted points from you last week for that liveshow yawn and so this week I must do the same because you let out a longer even uglier one (-10 points). Control that shit woman! You fart constantly (-5 points) in that damn house and then come liveshow the other side of that hole is yawning?! Come on. It takes everything in me each week not to petition for a re-vote on your win for your season. At least cover your mouth when you yawn?! And girl, between you and me and the world wide web…if Jeff doesn’t move along on the living arrangements for the two of you as a couple once this summer is over…he never will. Have you never watched Sex & The City?! Overall Growth: -15 points
- Game: Without Jeff’s aid, you managed to pull a win in the Luxury Competition (+5 points) and although you probably should have (-5 points), you did not choose Brenchel to share in the festivities and haggardly Hasselhoff times. Instead you chose Kalia and Shelly. Such defiance my dear Jordan (+10 points)! And on top of that you also played catalyst in the week’s epic house meeting (+5 points)! More of that please! More sass, Less gas! Overall Game: +15 points
DANI – I will never meet you in real life but if I did, I’d hug you just for telling Brendouche off.
- Growth: You said on the live feeds…that you didn’t need your dad. And you certainly didn’t (+5 points) last night. Whether or not the BB world wants to admit it, you’ve always been “Dick’s daughter”. But now you’re Dani. Period. Congrats. You have your moments of sheer youthfulness, like when you and Dom played who has the smelliest breath ew (-5 points), but you can hold your own against any douchebag. You gave Brendon some “Don’t fuck me with Skype boy!” looks that could kill any erection (+5 points)! And despite your coldness towards your father, which only you and he know the whole story behind, you showed us you are warm-blooded in your grieving for Dom. Overall Growth: +5 points
- Game: You certainly threw everyone for a loop, coasting through the first two weeks while securing your position then shaking Brendon and his scabby knees and prompting Jeff’s mini seizures (+5 points). You could totally have waited a week instead of going all rogue (-5 points) like bug-eyed Dana did too early in my season. But you are no Dana (+5 points). And when I saw your game face (+5 points) last night I knew HOH would be yours. And you took it (+5 points) and owned it (+5 points). Some think you should have handed over to Kalia so you could play HOH next week but I disagree. Kalia may have flipped again because Brenchel have Porshce and JeJo have Shelly. Plus, you’ll win POV next week if you have to. Coolio. Everyio otherio wordio endsio inio io (-10 points). Overall Game: +10 points
KALIA – So when you’re not talking about yeast infections, bikini lines or masturbation but instead bitchfesting with Brendon, I really like you. Plus, your favorite moment of the house meeting was also Dani calling Rachel an idiot. Nice.
- Growth: It seems you’ve learned some big lessons this week (+10 points) so there may be hope for you yet. Oh take some advice from me, yet another veteran, and take it easy with the food. You’ll thank me later. You also need to stop with the singing. There are rules in the house and things called copyrights and every time you sing the livefeeds get interrupted and people “on the outside” like you even less (-5 points) and you just annoy the hell out of the people “on the inside” (-5 points). Overall Growth: 0 points
- Game: People have been comparing you to me, which makes some sense (+5 points) and then makes no sense (-10 points). Your fights this week were quite entertaining if not proof that you do have a BB heartbeat (+10 points). You decided to “switch” alliances at some point this week although it wasn’t entirely voluntary. But Jordan still chose you over Rachel to share the Luxury Comp award with (+5 points) and you came in second to Dani in the HOH Endurance Competition (+5 points). You probably couldn’t have beat her in the end so you did the best thing making a deal (+5 points) and running off to eat every food group you could find (-5 points). Overall Game: +15 points
LAWON – You must have been a rabbit’s foot in a past life because you are one lucky BB mofo. Except the whole Have-Not woes.
- Growth: Speaking of “growth”, you confessed (+5 points) to Dani and Dom that you’ve dreamt about one of the guys in the house. I hope we find out at some point although I have a sneaking suspicion it’s Shelly (-5 points). And then when you all went to check out the POV setup in the backyard only to see some huge inflated balloon person with “hairy legs” you shouted something about “a big hairy lady she-he”. So tell me. Is it Shelly you dreamt about?! Overall Growth: 0 points
- Game: For yet another week you are safe (+10 points) after having done pretty much nothing but running to and fro (-5 points) and walking around in orange crocks (-5 points) and whatever you found on the bottom of the Salvation Army barrel. Do some more Lawon, please. It’s WAY too obvious. Does YALE know about you wearing their branding? Does Jordan actually think it’s just the phonetic notation for “yell”? Nice cockamamy bull-talk you gave Brenchel about the vets being a corporation and you being the executive assistant (+5 points). Gotta’ love ya’. Overall Game: +5 points
SHELLY – You will probably never see this and if you do it will be too late. But you have GOT to let go a little in the Diary Room.
- Growth: Uh, newsflash dear Shelly. You are playing a cold fierce game (+10 points) that you shouldn’t mask completely. Meaning, even if you are bold-faced lying to your fellow HGs you need to be honest with yourself. And let me be honest with you and say you need to stop with the “Storm/Norm/Perform” and “Competition/Character/Charisma” 3-point bullet talk. There’s no PowerPoint presentation and no flipcharts. You’re not at work. And find away to move on from the virtual reality of fondling JeJo, you are still so hung up on them!! (-5 points). Sure they were “adorable” in their goodbye message to Dominic, but really, I can do without all the scripted cuteness. Overall Growth: +5 points
- Game: You got called out all over the place (-5 points) but we all saw it coming. You handled it as best you could (+10 points) and thankfully there are bigger targets in the house so you can get by another week. You held on to get to final three of the HOH Endurance Comp and kept your composure (+5 points) even if Brenchel cheered you on with such fervor they might as well have shouted “Come on Shelly, save our alliance, you’re one of us!” And I know all the dirty shit talking you do in the morning with Brendon is part of your strategy but just beware all that shit is out in the universe. Overall Game: +10 points
ADAM – I’m sorry you were runner-up to a popular kid as Class Clown in your high school yearbook. If it makes you feel any better I actually WAS Class Clown (and Class President?!) and nearly lost my life because my very Korean #momz flipped out. For shame. Korean Klass Klown.
- Growth: What should we talk about first, the fact that you’re growing on me (+5 points) or the fact that your hair is growing all over you (-5 points)? I thought it was mean of Rachel to tell you to shave yours shoulders last week but dayyyuuum! You’re still not as bad as Ralph (+5 points) from Survivor “Rob”emption Island though. Shoot for the stars Adam. At least you’ve been competing in challenges (+5 points) for your key even if you don’t win. Lawon has not been because he hasn’t been nominated. So I was secretly rooting for Tori Spelling to come into the house for you and not Hasselhoff. Shhh… Overall Growth: +10 points
- Game: It’s probably not a good idea, as such a hairy HG, to bring up things like “furries” aka people who dress up in animal costumes and have sex (-5 people). You might want to keep that kinda stuff private as it may be off-putting coming from a furry bacon eater like yourself. But congratulations on making it another week (+10 points) and losing the only vote to Dani who had to vote to keep Dominic. And you’re pretty safe this week too, so just keep your cool and remain harmless (+5 points). Overall Game: +10 points
PORSCHE – I never got to ask Janelle why she likes you so much. I can’t stand you. You haven’t done anything too offensive or egregious, but you make me feel uncomfortable. Thank god you rarely get screen time.
- Growth: Good lord so you don’t want to go into the jury house…not because you want to stay in the game but because there are no cameras in the jury house (-5 points)?! You should try asking the last few loser BB alum who like you expected fame and fortune post-BB. Or you can look over your shoulder and ask Rachel. You are so Creepy McCreepers with your gummy smiles and dilated eyes. Did you really ask Dominic for a kiss as he was being evicted (-5 points)?! I heard it. I know others did too. And I also heard you dated a couple for a while (+5 point). Nice. And I mean that. Bisexual Porsche is in the house! Don’t forget, Brendon’s buttcrack is nice and smooth thanks to Rachel’s shaving expertise. Go get that. Overall Growth: -5 points
- Game: You held on longer than Jordan in the HOH Endurance Competition (+5 points) but fell off before Shelly did (-5 points) but overall you’re not rocking too many boats (+5 points) and still creeping around the house as usual. Your one big shot at hosting a competition, the POV, fell way way short and you acted a damn fool. You reminded me of Nathan from my season. He couldn’t read and breathe at the same time either. Also, you told Rachel that you were going to play like Janelle and be “all circuits and robotry” (-5 points)? You should be smacked for saying that and smacked again for believing it. But you are pretty safe this week (+10 points) and that should take the sting out of the bitchslaps you deserve. Overall Game: +10 points
Before we get on to revealing the leader board, some notable mentions:
Best One-Liners: Dani
Whatever the many reasons for the hot-headed verbal abuse all over the BB house this week…Dani delivered some great one-line zinger. We’ve already covered “Rachel, you’re an idiot”. But I’d also like to bring up these gems directed towards Brendon: “Don’t talk down to me, I’m not stupid. I’ve made it further in the game than you” and “Ok…we’re not getting rid of Jeff then…ever”. And last but not least, during yet another Brenchel battle of the ballsac: “We’re not in couples rehab”. Bonus: +10 Points
Worst Screenshot: Rachel
I don’t know what’s worse. Your face, your nail polish, or Brendon’s big toe, or Brendon’s foot in your face…Penalty: -10 points
Unsung Hero: The Other David Hasselhoff
In the latest lame plug for CBSdom we all know there were “2” Hasselhoffs in the BB house during the Luxury Competition. My hat goes off to the sweet guy who happens to share his name with the once-handsome Baywatching Knight Riding weirdo. You were really sweet even if nobody knew the hell you were and pretended to be excited anyway.
AND NOW…Final Tally For The Week: Shelly is knocked off #1 by Dani and woahness Brenchel drop to the bottom. Both parties of Brenchel having problems with Growth week-to-week.