We’re six weeks into this season and being six hours ahead of east coast time here in Belgium I can say I am officially exhausted on this particular Friday. But really, who cares right?! I’m awarding 6 points to all the HGs! Hooray!
We’re down to 8 HGs (again) and Brendon the Coldsore is gone (again) and we got to see the start of a competition involving balls (again) last night. Next season I’d like to see competitions around an ovary theme. But that’s me. I mean, out of the 8 remaining HGs ovaries abound. There are only two men left in the house, 5 women and one Shelly. That’s a lot of ovaries. Period.
Get it? Period? Ew. I’d hate to be throwing out the trash in the bathroom in that house.
So we see in the bracket above that Jeff and Jordan are the only “Dynamic Duo” still an actual duo. We should not be surprised as they are actually starring in Baby Jesus – Part Deux. What you thought this was Big Brother? No sillies…there’s an immaculate conception coming up as the last twist. Trust me, I have the inside scoop. And I don’t know why I’ve been on this roll with the religious stuff so don’t give me shit. I’m figuring it out. It’s the voices…
RACHEL – You’re dirty. I mean…your hair is dirty. Why is your hair always dirty? And seriously, WTF are you wearing half the time? You realize that Nathan Lane already has dibs on The Birdcage 2 right?! Btw that’s a boa, not a bush he’s crying in.
- Growth: I know that I will never like you. Although CBS neglected to show it…we all saw and heard you on the feeds telling Brendon that Jeff sexually harassed you after Brendon left (-10 points). What is wrong with you? What isn’t wrong with you?! As much as I dislike the Chenbot, calling her “Girl…” on the live show is just why you never got your HOH interviews with her. You, did, however make me laugh with your goodbye message to Brendon (+10 points): “I can do this without you and don’t hate because I make it further in the game than you did last year”. You’re both losers in any book though. Looking up at the cameras to make sure they’ll catch your 2am blowjobs is beyond failing in life (-5 points). Overall Growth: -5 points
- Game: Your “Oh my god” that you didn’t win HOH was moot since you were FIRST one out (-5 points). And listen up, your game talk is not your strength (-5 points) but watching Brendon on the feeds this week yelling at you that “you need to shut the fuck up” was hard to watch. I know you tried your best to combat his verbal diarrhea, but you still gave him head on cue (-5 points). And sorry you didn’t get to play in POV. Not. Your “dream” honeymoon is no more since Kalia won the “Caribbean Vacation”. It’s okay. Lots of people actually save enough money to have weddings and honeymoons. You can too. Overall Game: -15 points
JEFF – You’re such a bad boy saying Jordan is “cute as a stupid little button”. Buttons can’t be stupid! Gingers have souls! Sorry, that one slipped out.
- Growth: I think it’s adorable that you used to call Jordan and sing her boyband songs (+5 points). And I hope you don’t give her shit for revealing that in the diary room. I think she’s scared judging from the face below. And your “scolding” of Rachel was awesome (+5 points). The one that was televised was good but weaker compared to the one by the pool we saw on the feeds. Seeing you ignore Brendon’s whiny “Jeff…come on Jeff…Jeff…” (+5 points) in his lame attempt to protect her from your verbal lashing was great…although I imagine that’s what he’d sound like when you’ve got him from behind. Overall Growth: +15 points
- Game: The fact that you say things like you “could have won this” or that but didn’t is getting old (-10 points). You could have gotten a job and married Jordan by now too. Really. But it was a joy to see you keep Shelly on the hot seat all week and then throw her an “I’m not voting you out loser” as the clincher (+5 points). And you scored another $5K bringing your competition winnings to $15K (+5 points). And although we only got to see the start of the HOH competition last night, we know you won (+10 points). Congrats. Now that you’re HOH CBS will do everything in their power to make your stay more comfortable than it already has been (-5 points). Overall Game: +5 points
JORDAN – It’s good to see you eating.
- Growth: I don’t know what I would have done had someone like you ever come into a job interview. But then again, no good headhunter would send you to Wall Street. But the “I’m more so like my own mentor kind of” as a response was actually believable (+5 points). And my goodness how cute you looked in your “Humilitard” (+5 points). And how “golden” your heart is, you little “angel on earth”, that you would give up the phone call from home so that Shelly could talk to her family (-5 points). Good lord. I have a cavity now (-5 points). Overall Growth: 0 points
- Game: I know you know I know that you gave that phone call to Shelly out of the goodness of your heart. But you also made a good game move (+5 points). Even if it did intensify Shelly’s obsession with you in life, it was a good move in the house. You continue to fail at challenges not involving space cows and David Hasselhoff (-5 points) but shit, you’ll probably win this season at the rate you’re coasting. Overall Game: 0 points
DANI – You suck at lying.
- Growth: You continue to give good diary room and one-line it on the fly (+5 points). I especially liked your “Oh my god if Shelly wins POV she’s gonna beat Rachel in the face with it” because it had such imagery in it (+5 points). You’re a poet. But you are certainly not a good drunk. Save that nonsense for post-season celebrations. You spill way too much info when you’re tipsy (-5 points). We only got a glimpse of it on the show last night, but the feeds show all… And nice move making a bigger mess for the crew to have to clean up. Tipping over that bucket during POV while everyone else thrust their hand in theirs was so inconsiderate. I loved it. Overall Growth: +5 points
- Game: Your diary room woes of have to go back to “square one” were poignant but you deserve it. I give you credit for your nomination speech though as it was pretty clear you wanted to take Brendon out for good (+5 points). And keeping the Veto Ticket instead of snatching up Kalia’s vacation was a good move (+5 points). Well done. And for the record I think you could have won POV with all those “butter” cornhole shots (+5 points). Overall Game: +15 points
KALIA – I like your hair in pigtails. It’s…right.
- Growth: Woman, get a hold of yourself! Watching you take down a tub of ice cream in 14 seconds on the live feeds was so disturbing (-5 points)! And stop the crying and gloating in the same outfit/day (-5 points)! What are you bipolar?! Is that why you eat for two?! I’m giving you another deduction in anticipation of all the tears to come given Jeff is HOH this week (-5 points). Sigh. Overall Growth: -15 points
- Game: You told us you feel bad that you didn’t go with your initial “gut” instinct. Really? Why do you make it so easy? You and your gut seem to be THE Dynamic Duo of the summer actually (-5 points). You do rock at hosting competitions I’ll give you that (+5 points). Congrats on winning that Caribbean vacation (+5 points) which will most likely be at an all-inclusive resort where you can again eat 23 hours a day, hell 24. Oh, and thanks for that look you gave when Shelly booted your ass from the HOH room to have a private talk with Dani. That was fun to watch. Overall Game: +5 points
SHELLY – You is going crazy. Crazy. Jordan did not “give up her family” for you. It’s just a freaking phone call. Relax. Have another cigarette as soon as you wake up.
- Growth: “The moral high road is impossible in this game,” you said. Woahness. Is that what you call the road you’ve been on? You’ve reached a point where you’re now mind-fucking yourself (-5 points) hence your breakdowns. Your “I can’t even look at Rachel right now, I’d kill her” right before nominations was scary and it’s terrible that little Josie had to see that (-5 points). And might I remind you that you told Brenchel to their face that they reminded you of you and your Tony in week one? And you’re concerned with what comes out of Rachel’s mouth (-5 points)?! I think what’s dirtier is what goes INTO her mouth. However I enjoyed your exorcist moment calling out Rachel telling her to quit the “squinting and guinting” at you (+5 points). But wtf is “guinting”. Like is that a Philippino joke?! Googlemap it. Overall Growth: -10 points
- Game: You were the first one out of POV to nobody’s surprise (-5 points) yet you used your evil to get Jordan to give up her phone call home to you (+5 points). You continue to use your corporate guerilla warfare (+5 points) yet when it doesn’t work and you get called out by Dani you cry claiming you don’t feel you’re “cool” enough to talk to her (-5 points). Trojan. Horsing. Epic (+5 points). Overall Game: 0 points
ADAM – If it turns out you are really in a secret alliance with Porsche I will award you 100 points on the my last blog
- Growth: You’re getting creepier (-5 points). Overall Growth: -5 points
- Game: Stop whining about “the Dynamic Duo twist” screwing up your game (-5 points). You call yourself a superfan yet you didn’t expect twists?! Try seeing your yucky ex walk through the door you creeper. And you said on the live feeds that you would do All-Stars only if it’s next year. I realize they put in a few fallen stars into Season 7, but dude, you’re not even close to a star…more an ass-teroid (-5 points). Please just return to Hoboken after this season and remain there until Tori Spelling comes to visit you. You’ve been on the block half the time you’ve been IN that house (-5 points). But good move getting Jeff and Dani to “throw” POV so you could win and save yourself (+10 points). There are those who say it wasn’t a real win, but I think you could have actually beat Jeff. Overall Game: -5 points
PORSCHE – You rocked yet another POV competition outfit as a host but you still suck at reading and speaking at the same time. Oh and I missed +5 points in your score last week so I have accounted for that in the standings thus far. Good thing someone’s looking out for you.
- Growth: Nice celebratory moves after Dani won HOH (+5 points). You can certainly strike a pose or two. NOT NICE fucking with shit in the kitchen. They didn’t televise it but we know you put shit in the Muscle Milk only to get scolded by CBS (-5 points). You say you want your own cooking show one day yet you tamper with food? Stick to carrying a tray of drinks. Overall Growth: 0 points
- Game: Though you have yet to win an HOH you got down to the final two in the HOH that Dani won (+5 points). Props. And good job handling Shelly’s testosterone rage (+5 points). It seems dealing with drunk dudes at the bars of Miami has taught you something. Overall Game: +10 points
Let’s get on to revealing the leader board, BUT FIRST, a notable mention:
MVP of the Liveshow: Josie
You are all kinds of wonderful and cuteness. Your “She kinda’ needs to stop lying and pick a side” about your dad Sheldon was too cute! And your “Shut up Rachel” was perfectly timed you should probably have Chenbot’s job next season. Be careful though, you’ll probably get an email from her at some point for stealing the show last night.
AND NOW…Final Tally For The Week: Porsche has pushed Shelly down a notch and is now at 3rd place!