BB14 Power Rankings: Episode One

Which Houseguest do you think is tops after the Big Brother premiere?

BB14 Power Rankings: Episode One

Let’s go! 53 Cameras! 98 Microphones! 427 Cue Cards!

The season has begun. No more badly-kept secrets, what-ifs or rumors.  Britney, Boogie, Janelle and Dan are the mentors.  Chenbot’s back to her pre-baby figure so she’s started showing skin again, albeit in a very Charlie’s Angels’ way.  And we learn that Jodi did NOT self-evict after all. Rumors…rumors…

No more rumors. The mentors have school-yard-picked their respective teams and I think we can all agree that we would rather have seen a “random draw” for teams like Big Brother loves to do for everything else but this, apparently.

But let’s get on with the rankings! (Any miscalculations in last week’s blog will be adjusted accordingly in this blog):

BRITNEY’S TEAM: She walks into the house looking a little confused…as if she’s thinking “Am I supposed to teach these people how to get used then thrown out?” But she’s fully aware of her past errors and even admits that she has no street credit as a strategic player.  I fell in love with her a little more after that confession. And Britney ends up choosing Shane, Willie and JoJo:

SHANE:  Never, I repeat, NEVER dance for me again.  That celebratory air-masturbation you did when you received your “invitation” made me dry-heave (-5 points).  And why on earth would you throw that “yeah girrrl” to Jodi when she tells everyone she’s a newlywed?  Must you be so stereotypically white boy douche (-5 points)?  Stop trying so hard. You don’t have to play a character. Just be yourself, whatever that may be: straight or gay or curious. Kudos on kicking ass in your round of “Who’s Your Teddy?” during the challenge (+5 points) and closing the deal for your team to get to a win (+10 points).  And kudos also for nixing the BIG lie and just going with “carpenter” as your occupation (+5 points). But be careful, you will make yourself a target if you’re a physical threat in challenges. LAST WEEK: -5 points   OVERALL: +5 points

WILLIE:  Did you really hump your refrigerator in celebration upon receiving your BB14 “invitation”? (-5 points)  And did you REALLY not go in with a plan for when people would point and laugh and call you Hantz (-5 points)?  Despite your obvious shortcomings, I find you entertaining as hell (+10 points) and it’s refreshing to see such a brute in a house of polished typecasts (+5 points).  But keep in mind that Britney GAVE you this HOH and judging from the feeds you’re doing exactly what your brother did, and failed doing, on Survivor. You don’t have to be in people’s faces talking game all the time. Take a nap. Go hump the fridge. Stop stressing people. Learn proper English (-5 points)!  “Not no more…” is NOT proper English!  But you tell us that you “don’t care bout Britney’s game” which is very promising (+5 points).  LAST WEEK 0 points   OVERALL: +10 points

JOJO:  I don’t know that we’ve had anyone quite like you on a season before (+5 points).  You are a walking Staten Island stereotype with a love for leopard print (-5 points) but at least you put it all out there in a “take it or f*ck you” way (+5 points).   You’re among the last to enter the house yet you still get a bed (+5 points). And speaking of beds, you had a hard time at the challenge but you still managed to retrieve a teddy bear of your own for your team  (+5 points) which most of the other girls couldn’t do (+5 points).   You’re being unnecessarily obnoxious in the house right now though, according to the feeds (-5 points).  Cut that shit out.  LAST WEEK: +5 points   OVERALL: +20 points

BOOGIE’S TEAM: He walks into the house shouting “Daddy’s home!” which is really just so wrong on so many different levels depending on how much you know about the douche, I mean, guy.  He informs us “I consider myself the best player to have played this game“ which is like Snooki telling us, “I consider myself the classiest woman on reality television.” It’s just not gonna stick. So Boogie ends up recruiting Frank, Ian and Jenn:

FRANK: You definitely come more to life in the house than you did in the 28 minutes of video that was made available of you in the pre-season (+5 points). The fact that you told us you’d be less-than-happy to be mentored by bad-track-record-Britney (+5 points) was promising.  You not only scored the first “teddy bear” for your team (+5 points), but you also subbed in successfully for your teammate Jenn (+5 points).  But you now find yourself on the block as a result your teddy bear prowess and the fact that you jumped on the “you have to be a Hantz” bandwagon (-10 points) instead of playing stupid, making you a target of the Hantz-O-H.  Get it?! Yeah. Sigh.  You’d better hope the POV is teddy bear related too. LAST WEEK: -10 points   OVERALL: 0 points

IAN: You are such a know-it-all in such a good way (+5 points)!  You figure out immediately that Willie is a Hantz (+5 points) but you keep it to yourself (+5 points).   You figure out immediately that the way to Boogie’s cold heart is to suck his butt with lines like “You’re a legend…” (+5 points) which also makes me ill (-20 points). You address the viewers as soon as the feeds come on, that Kara and Frank are on the block (+5 points).  I want to be in an alliance with you.  Right now. LAST WEEK: +30 points   OVERALL: +35 points

JENN: “People may see me as a heavily tattooed female…” is your opening line to us (-5 points).  Um, because you ARE a heavily tattooed female! Sigh.  I love the fact that you called Danielle a “pretty lady” and extended a hug to her first (+5 points) despite the fact that she’s NOT a heavily tattooed female.  Um, you SUCKED at the challenge (-5 points) but you gave it your ALL and acutally scared the living crap out of me with your intensity.  But I appreciate that intensity (+5 points).  And I appreciate the fact that you didn’t punch Boogie in his hobbit face for shouting at you during the challenge, “There’s a flight to JFK tonight, you gonna be on it? Let’s go!” (+5 points).  LAST WEEK: +10 points   OVERALL: +15 points

JANELLE’S TEAM: She calls herself the “ultimate Big Brother player” which I’m sure triggered a huge pout on Rachel’s face as she watched the premiere.  Having won the most competitions EVER in the history of Big Brother without winning an actual season, Janelle wants to choose a team full of people who are “competitive, likeable and good schemers.”  So Janelle ends up choosing Wil, Ashley and Joe 

WIL: “I know how to work my way around a cocktail party,” you tell us in your intro as you give us a knowing look.  You’re fun (+5 points).  “I think this is going to be the year of the hair,” you tell us, in reference to what you and Frank have going on as far as hairdos.  You’re funny (+5 points).  I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I may like you.  And you came out of nowhere and clinched second place for your team in the challenge (+10 points).   If you maintain your temper and control your “flair” you may go further than anyone expects. LAST WEEK: -20 points   OVERALL: +0 points

ASHLEY: You try too hard (-5 points).  Funny and cute are two traits that should come naturally.  Though as a “mobile spray tanner” I suppose you’re not into “natural” anyway.  You laughed way too hard too long at Ian’s joke (-5 points) and tried to bait everyone into asking you more about your job…and failed (-5 points).  Then you sucked dwarf balls at the challenge, though you did give us some prime screenshots of your very nice “leapfrog” booty (+5 points).  But I know you are a good person at heart (+5 points)…just a hot and heavily medicated mess.  LAST WEEK: -10 points   OVERALL: -15 points

JOE: Dude, cooking can’t be your ONLY strategy (-5 points).  It should be in addition to a different strategy.  Your housemates are a bunch of spoiled brats who will eat your food, then stab you in the aproned back.  Your “from behind, I might have walked up to him at a bar and…” about Wil was hilarious (+5 points) but creepy in a Mike Boogie kind of way (-5 points).  You held your own during the competition (+5 points).  You’d better find someone to hold on to for some more security in the house.  And speaking of security, I saw food flying out of that pan you were flaming and flipping in your intro.  Tsk, tsk, tsk…I can’t imagine what your kitchen floors look like.  LAST WEEK: -5 points   OVERALL: -5 points

BB14 Blog 1 Pic 4

DAN’S TEAM: Like Boogie, you are a returning winner.  Except Dan got it done on his first attempt.  To nobody’s surprise, he is excited about combining his two passions: Coaching and Big Brother.  He claims in all his coach-y goodness that he wants to choose a team of people who are “ruthless enough to stab people in the back.”  Soooo, he chooses Kara (huh?!) Danielle (what?!)  and gets stuck with Jodi:

KARA: You tell us in your intro that you’re “hoping to meet a nice guy” and you “hope he’s in the Big Brother house” (-5 points).  Clearly, your body is here but your mind and spirit are still on Playboy Planet.  Like Ian, I too find you very attractive.  And I’m sure Dan did too…especially as he yelled at you to “go deep on that, go as far as you can on that”.  OMG. But I think as long as you don’t get into any petty cat fights you may be used as a swing vote soon. LAST WEEK: +5 points   OVERALL: 0 points

DANIELLE: You keep stressing to us you’re a nurse…a little too much (-5 points)…to hide the fact that you are also a model.  The whole Southern belle thing has been done and redone many times already but I suppose you don’t know anything else.  But you LIE to everyone in the house saying you’re a kindergarten teacher because you want them to think you’re “naïve and just play with kids” (-5 points).  Um, have some respect for kindergarten teachers. You SUCKED in the competition as well, barely better than your teammate Jodi. Yowza.  I liked you pre-season but now that I see your most “provocative” diary room musings will be along the lines of “Shane must have good hands since he’s a carpenter *wink*wink*” (-5 points) combined with everything else, I don’t like you anymore. LAST WEEK: +15 points   OVERALL: 0 points

JODI: I was rooting for you because you had so many “virtual” strikes against you…but you were dead in the water from “But first…”  Everyone’s been comparing you to Kalia but I hope that stopped as soon as you told us in your intro that you work out and have even run two marathons.   It’s a shame because you are a superfan and you figured out right away that Frank was hiding things.  You will not be missed, but you will be remembered, at least by me.  OVERALL: EVICTED

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Did this premiere of Big Brother go by WAY too fast or was it just me?  Minus commercials we got about 45 minutes and that was NOT enough!  Premieres should be two hours! I’m SURE CBS can afford a bigger battery pack for Chenbot.

But onto the point tally…combining points from last week’s intro blog…and since I’m feeling generous, awarding 14 points to commemorate this 14th season:

BB15 Episode 1 Scorecard

IAN is #1! And it looks like Britney’s team is faring the best overall!

 

Comments

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=727416026 Luke Anyanka Bright-Pyle

    Wow, you dont like Janelles team!! I personally think Ashley is the best, but as always your blogs are great :)

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      Hahaha! It’s not that I don’t like her team…but coincidentally those people had the lowest scores from the “first impressions” blog and she ended picking them! :)

  • http://www.realitynation.com/author/charlie-toft/ Charlie Toft

    I agree that there’s no good reason not to have a 2-hour premiere. CBS has been running Dogs in the City all summer long. They have the spare time!

    I am amused that Britney wound up heading up a team with the two guys here who seem to be the most like the ones that had her fooled for two solid months when she played the first time. I mostly liked her, though, and Janelle made some equally bad mistakes but always seemed to come out with her PR undamaged.

    Goody Two Shoes Dan choosing the Playmate is pretty hilarious.

    As a sort of member of the media I need to try to be careful with my opinions…so I should probably not say that Boogie needs to be disappeared ASAP and never allowed in front of a TV camera again. So I won’t.

    I feel sorry for those of you who watch BB in part for male eye candy, because man oh man these guys are not attractive.

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      Agreed on your last point hahaha, no male eye candy this year. I don’t get it. I imagine the demographics would show that the viewing audience is predominantly female?

      I respect your self-control is expressing your opinions but love that you got that bit about Boogie out hahaha. Britney is TOTALLY going down the Brigade road…that leads right up Janelle’s butt!

  • Kevin11

    Think Frank will be a force to reckoned with and that Shane may be the guy to beat this year. Great story though, as always.

    I can see about seven or eight with NO CHANCE in Hell but remember thing the same about Adam, Jordan, Kevin, Porsche and many others in the past. And who know who else may enter the House this season?

    Always respect your opinions Jun and aware they are just opinions on a reality TV show. Funny how much crap you catch on Twitter for simply stating what YOU think. Morons. Those people need to step back a bit and think “Does it really matter to me THAT MUCH what Jun Song thinks about anyone in the Big Brother House?” If the answer is yes, I suggest medication.

    Not worth getting bent out of shape in a world where there are so many REAL problems now. Walk your dog. Feed your kids. Do your dishes or the laundry. Anything but getting Twitter-crazy about someone else’s opinion. And always remember she played (and won) the game and was in the House and has an experience and point-of-view almost all of us have had. Try to put it all into context and respect that.

    It’s just a TV show folks…

  • http://twitter.com/GKL1961 GAY K

    Spot on, I agree the teams should have been a random draw, instead of school yard picking, Right now, I have no I ‘really’ like or I ‘really” dislike….except for Boogie, his arrogance is still intact…sigh.

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      It would have been MUCH more interesting had they done a random draw!

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_UIJGUSJDOOCMDN2B2ZFG7CFLNE Carol

    Jun’s a bitter little bitch trying to stay relevant through stupid blogs and social media. I don’t give a shit what she thinks of the players OR Janelle. She just sucks

    • Jay

      Wrong side of the bed this morning?

    • olivia.

      then get the hell out of here.

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      Well thanks for stopping in Carol! :)

      • xwiseguyx

        Carol is a 600 lb troll that is still bitter about being too fat to be on the Biggest Loser so she scours the blogs in a quest to share her misery. Ironically, her favorite tune is Misery from Maroon 5. I know all this cause she’s my neighbor and frequently steals my groceries if I can’t bring all the bags in on one trip.

      • BBLesbian

        Jun you and Dr. Will were the only BB winners I have ever cared about, all the others have been along for the ride and never really deserved to win. You understand the game and I always appreciate your commentary.

    • Dee

      Carol, please go shoot yourself in the face immediately. That is all.

  • mattdiaz

    Dan royally screwed himself with his team. why would he want ALL of the “eye candy” on his team? and I think britney did the same thing because she pretty much said, ” everyone who looks like a physical threat get on my team”. I think janelle is in the best shape…when it comes to her team, personality gameplay and even looks.

    • BBLesbian

      Britney is playing the same game as last time aligning herself with guys that will carry her through actually smartest of the returners i think. If she hadn’t aligned with a stupidly loyal alliance last time she actually could have won. Enzo and Lane never would have made it without her and she used them like she is doing with her team now.

      Boogie should have chosen Willie, Boogie never actually does anything and could have used a villain to do his dirty work. My guess is his team is eliminated second, Without Master Will to guide him Boogie has no game play.

  • rawins418

    Love it! Can’t wait to see more of their real selves show up in the coming weeks. And also watching the show on Thursday made me realize how MUCH I miss Britney’s DR sessions.

    To Carol: What vibe are you getting that Jun is bitter? I think I must have missed something if that’s true. Also I don’t think Jun is trying to stay relevant, she is just Jun who happens to be a BB alumni and fan with some clear knowledge on the game. Also obvious statement: If you don’t give a shit then gtfo.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=570605532 Matt Barter

    Dan picked his team with is penis. End of Story.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000175635622 Andrew Sloan

    Ian is way overrated. On the feeds he is so awkward and an obvious target. He has no game on many different levels, which sucks because I thought he was going to be awesome.

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      Let’s give him a little more time! :)

      • Dee

        Agreed about giving Ian a little bit more time, but I think he might be a bit of a lost cause at this point. Surprisingly enough, Boogie is showing himself to be a worthy mentor, as he tried getting through to Ian for about an hour last night on the feeds and his advice was actually pretty damn good. I don’t know if any of it really sunk-in or resonated with the kid, but I have to give props to Mike for trying.

        Ugh, can I go throw up now? Praising Boogie is making me nauseous…

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000175635622 Andrew Sloan

        I will, because I do like him. He just seems so out of place. All the guys are talking about how he awkwardly walks around the bathroom when the girls are taking showers, which is getting them very made. Plus he doesn’t have much consideration for other house guests (especially after the veto comp when everyone was “sudsy” and he went and took a shower before Danielle). I just think he was billed as the cute little nerdy guy, that all the girls will like and he’ll slide under the radar, but make big moves behind the scenes. As of right now, I don’t see any of that happening.

        But I like all the other rankings. I love Janelle but she must’ve picked the worst team possible. I can’t see any of her players winning the game

  • Gaborrr

    OMG how cool was that flaming Pan in Joe’s hand!!! What if food wasn’t the only thing he dropped?? He could def burn the house down with Jenn!! Can you imagine what he could do with some jelly beans and bean sprouts and anchovies?? Somebody called Shane Tom Cruise at our Premiere Party..if only he turned crazy and started climbing the walls like Tom did in Mission Impossible!! I’d love love some Scientology stuff in the house!!! Ashley of course would marry him and make him her little pony!!! On a scale of Richard Simmons to Carrot top where do you think Frank is at?? And what is the point of a fully-clothed Playboy playmate?? Now if you were her mentor she would not be wearing any pants Hahaha

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      Hahaha. Did you guys have fun at the party?! You know…Davy watched the premiere before he went to bed last night and he called Frank “Richard Simmons” as well! HA!

      • Gaborrr

        Thank you Jun it was fun :) When someone saw Frank first thing he yelled was Richard Simmons when he saw him exercising in his highly masculine headband Hahaha

  • http://twitter.com/1BBFan4Life BBFan4Ever

    I think Ashley deserves a little more credit, she has technically created her “Snow White Alliance” with Britney and Janelle’s teams working together, it’s Ashley and 7 others.

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      So funny! Last night I was just thinking she deserves some more credit! But the blog is published…so I will have to make up for it next time :)

  • Dee

    Great recap as usual, Jun! Chock-full of snarky goodness :D

    So…in reference to the feeds this week: Britney & Janelle are legitimately special needs if they keep pushing to evict Kara this week. Frank is *much* smarter than they’re giving him credit for (in addition to being an absolute beast physically), which makes him the most dangerous person in the house right now.

    Oh, how I can’t wait for wasting a boot on Kara to immediately blow up in their faces if anyone from team Boogie wins HoH this week. It’s gonna be hilarious watching him and his team march right into the F4 of this game because they’re so much more concerned about getting Dan’s supposed Jim Jones persona out of the house ASAP.

    And also, HAHAHA at them trusting Willie in any way, shape or form. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Neither one of them has learned shit from their respective seasons about not getting sucked into some bullshit by Alpha Male men types.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jose.luiz.399488 Jose Luiz

    Jun – loved the subtle reference to the rumors about Boogie’s past, LOL… Great recap and look forward to more!

  • tauba79

    I don’t understand why BB would want Britney back but not Jun – who had actually won BB and was very entertaining to watch!

  • http://twitter.com/DeanoBrown2010 Dean Brown

    Great blog Jun!!

    I was kind of hoping Britney would kick-ass on her return, but she’s totally just trying to re-create the alliance that kicked her out the 1st time and assuming it will work again!! And am I the only one who would of give the HOH to JoJo?? She seems the least likely in the team to win a competition so Willie & Shane would of been able to compete in next week’s competition??

    I soo agree with you about Danielle too!! You have to be JUST as intelligent as a nurse to be a teacher!! So IDK where her ‘strategy’ was in telling them that!!

    I’m kind of bummed that the ex-HGs are only coaching, (maybe the rules will change) but I would of loved to see them compete, see if Janelle can still dominate challenges!!

    I’m really liking Ian too this season… he has the potential to be a Ronnie WITHOUT turning the whole house against him!!

    Looking forward to future rankings!! :)

  • Hammy

    Roflmao carol

    Juns ONLY problem is that she has accomplished a win, a decent career following her season, and now a beautiful marriage and son with a wonderful man. … none of which you can probably attest to and your jealoudy screams out

    Well done Jun, as always!

  • John Martin

    I’m slow getting started this season but I am here… Jun’s insight … nothing can compare. Jun, we have the same attitude about Mike Boogie whom I have always referred to as Bogger or Snot. It just fits his personality.

    For Frank, I have to go with Carrot Top. Richard Simmons didn’t even cross my mind but now I do see it. ;o) GaYToR

  • Wildinvegas

    great look at this years cast jun! now heres MY look. Leave it to Beaver, staring Ian Terry as the beav. Joe Arvin (or Dan) as the dad. Willie Hantz (or Boogie) as Eddie Haskel…

  • Debbieladybug907

    I know Im late gettin on here but was just in the hospital for 4 days and I missed the first show. Well I really didnt miss it I was a little out of it with the medication they had given me so BB is just a big blurr to me right now. Its like that dream you had but just quit remember what it was about so is the show tonight a rerun of Thursday or is it a new show.