BB14 Power Rankings: Episode One

Let’s go! 53 Cameras! 98 Microphones! 427 Cue Cards!

The season has begun. No more badly-kept secrets, what-ifs or rumors.  Britney, Boogie, Janelle and Dan are the mentors.  Chenbot’s back to her pre-baby figure so she’s started showing skin again, albeit in a very Charlie’s Angels’ way.  And we learn that Jodi did NOT self-evict after all. Rumors…rumors…

No more rumors. The mentors have school-yard-picked their respective teams and I think we can all agree that we would rather have seen a “random draw” for teams like Big Brother loves to do for everything else but this, apparently.

But let’s get on with the rankings! (Any miscalculations in last week’s blog will be adjusted accordingly in this blog):

BRITNEY’S TEAM: She walks into the house looking a little confused…as if she’s thinking “Am I supposed to teach these people how to get used then thrown out?” But she’s fully aware of her past errors and even admits that she has no street credit as a strategic player.  I fell in love with her a little more after that confession. And Britney ends up choosing Shane, Willie and JoJo:

SHANE:  Never, I repeat, NEVER dance for me again.  That celebratory air-masturbation you did when you received your “invitation” made me dry-heave (-5 points).  And why on earth would you throw that “yeah girrrl” to Jodi when she tells everyone she’s a newlywed?  Must you be so stereotypically white boy douche (-5 points)?  Stop trying so hard. You don’t have to play a character. Just be yourself, whatever that may be: straight or gay or curious. Kudos on kicking ass in your round of “Who’s Your Teddy?” during the challenge (+5 points) and closing the deal for your team to get to a win (+10 points).  And kudos also for nixing the BIG lie and just going with “carpenter” as your occupation (+5 points). But be careful, you will make yourself a target if you’re a physical threat in challenges. LAST WEEK: -5 points   OVERALL: +5 points

WILLIE:  Did you really hump your refrigerator in celebration upon receiving your BB14 “invitation”? (-5 points)  And did you REALLY not go in with a plan for when people would point and laugh and call you Hantz (-5 points)?  Despite your obvious shortcomings, I find you entertaining as hell (+10 points) and it’s refreshing to see such a brute in a house of polished typecasts (+5 points).  But keep in mind that Britney GAVE you this HOH and judging from the feeds you’re doing exactly what your brother did, and failed doing, on Survivor. You don’t have to be in people’s faces talking game all the time. Take a nap. Go hump the fridge. Stop stressing people. Learn proper English (-5 points)!  “Not no more…” is NOT proper English!  But you tell us that you “don’t care bout Britney’s game” which is very promising (+5 points).  LAST WEEK 0 points   OVERALL: +10 points

JOJO:  I don’t know that we’ve had anyone quite like you on a season before (+5 points).  You are a walking Staten Island stereotype with a love for leopard print (-5 points) but at least you put it all out there in a “take it or f*ck you” way (+5 points).   You’re among the last to enter the house yet you still get a bed (+5 points). And speaking of beds, you had a hard time at the challenge but you still managed to retrieve a teddy bear of your own for your team  (+5 points) which most of the other girls couldn’t do (+5 points).   You’re being unnecessarily obnoxious in the house right now though, according to the feeds (-5 points).  Cut that shit out.  LAST WEEK: +5 points   OVERALL: +20 points

BOOGIE’S TEAM: He walks into the house shouting “Daddy’s home!” which is really just so wrong on so many different levels depending on how much you know about the douche, I mean, guy.  He informs us “I consider myself the best player to have played this game“ which is like Snooki telling us, “I consider myself the classiest woman on reality television.” It’s just not gonna stick. So Boogie ends up recruiting Frank, Ian and Jenn:

FRANK: You definitely come more to life in the house than you did in the 28 minutes of video that was made available of you in the pre-season (+5 points). The fact that you told us you’d be less-than-happy to be mentored by bad-track-record-Britney (+5 points) was promising.  You not only scored the first “teddy bear” for your team (+5 points), but you also subbed in successfully for your teammate Jenn (+5 points).  But you now find yourself on the block as a result your teddy bear prowess and the fact that you jumped on the “you have to be a Hantz” bandwagon (-10 points) instead of playing stupid, making you a target of the Hantz-O-H.  Get it?! Yeah. Sigh.  You’d better hope the POV is teddy bear related too. LAST WEEK: -10 points   OVERALL: 0 points

IAN: You are such a know-it-all in such a good way (+5 points)!  You figure out immediately that Willie is a Hantz (+5 points) but you keep it to yourself (+5 points).   You figure out immediately that the way to Boogie’s cold heart is to suck his butt with lines like “You’re a legend…” (+5 points) which also makes me ill (-20 points). You address the viewers as soon as the feeds come on, that Kara and Frank are on the block (+5 points).  I want to be in an alliance with you.  Right now. LAST WEEK: +30 points   OVERALL: +35 points

JENN: “People may see me as a heavily tattooed female…” is your opening line to us (-5 points).  Um, because you ARE a heavily tattooed female! Sigh.  I love the fact that you called Danielle a “pretty lady” and extended a hug to her first (+5 points) despite the fact that she’s NOT a heavily tattooed female.  Um, you SUCKED at the challenge (-5 points) but you gave it your ALL and acutally scared the living crap out of me with your intensity.  But I appreciate that intensity (+5 points).  And I appreciate the fact that you didn’t punch Boogie in his hobbit face for shouting at you during the challenge, “There’s a flight to JFK tonight, you gonna be on it? Let’s go!” (+5 points).  LAST WEEK: +10 points   OVERALL: +15 points

JANELLE’S TEAM: She calls herself the “ultimate Big Brother player” which I’m sure triggered a huge pout on Rachel’s face as she watched the premiere.  Having won the most competitions EVER in the history of Big Brother without winning an actual season, Janelle wants to choose a team full of people who are “competitive, likeable and good schemers.”  So Janelle ends up choosing Wil, Ashley and Joe:   

WIL: “I know how to work my way around a cocktail party,” you tell us in your intro as you give us a knowing look.  You’re fun (+5 points).  “I think this is going to be the year of the hair,” you tell us, in reference to what you and Frank have going on as far as hairdos.  You’re funny (+5 points).  I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I may like you.  And you came out of nowhere and clinched second place for your team in the challenge (+10 points).   If you maintain your temper and control your “flair” you may go further than anyone expects. LAST WEEK: -20 points   OVERALL: +0 points

ASHLEY: You try too hard (-5 points).  Funny and cute are two traits that should come naturally.  Though as a “mobile spray tanner” I suppose you’re not into “natural” anyway.  You laughed way too hard too long at Ian’s joke (-5 points) and tried to bait everyone into asking you more about your job…and failed (-5 points).  Then you sucked dwarf balls at the challenge, though you did give us some prime screenshots of your very nice “leapfrog” booty (+5 points).  But I know you are a good person at heart (+5 points)…just a hot and heavily medicated mess.  LAST WEEK: -10 points   OVERALL: -15 points

JOE: Dude, cooking can’t be your ONLY strategy (-5 points).  It should be in addition to a different strategy.  Your housemates are a bunch of spoiled brats who will eat your food, then stab you in the aproned back.  Your “from behind, I might have walked up to him at a bar and…” about Wil was hilarious (+5 points) but creepy in a Mike Boogie kind of way (-5 points).  You held your own during the competition (+5 points).  You’d better find someone to hold on to for some more security in the house.  And speaking of security, I saw food flying out of that pan you were flaming and flipping in your intro.  Tsk, tsk, tsk…I can’t imagine what your kitchen floors look like.  LAST WEEK: -5 points   OVERALL: -5 points

DAN’S TEAM: Like Boogie, you are a returning winner.  Except Dan got it done on his first attempt.  To nobody’s surprise, he is excited about combining his two passions: Coaching and Big Brother.  He claims in all his coach-y goodness that he wants to choose a team of people who are “ruthless enough to stab people in the back.”  Soooo, he chooses Kara (huh?!) Danielle (what?!)  and gets stuck with Jodi:

KARA: You tell us in your intro that you’re “hoping to meet a nice guy” and you “hope he’s in the Big Brother house” (-5 points).  Clearly, your body is here but your mind and spirit are still on Playboy Planet.  Like Ian, I too find you very attractive.  And I’m sure Dan did too…especially as he yelled at you to “go deep on that, go as far as you can on that”.  OMG. But I think as long as you don’t get into any petty cat fights you may be used as a swing vote soon. LAST WEEK: +5 points   OVERALL: 0 points

DANIELLE: You keep stressing to us you’re a nurse…a little too much (-5 points)…to hide the fact that you are also a model.  The whole Southern belle thing has been done and redone many times already but I suppose you don’t know anything else.  But you LIE to everyone in the house saying you’re a kindergarten teacher because you want them to think you’re “naïve and just play with kids” (-5 points).  Um, have some respect for kindergarten teachers. You SUCKED in the competition as well, barely better than your teammate Jodi. Yowza.  I liked you pre-season but now that I see your most “provocative” diary room musings will be along the lines of “Shane must have good hands since he’s a carpenter *wink*wink*” (-5 points) combined with everything else, I don’t like you anymore. LAST WEEK: +15 points   OVERALL: 0 points

JODI: I was rooting for you because you had so many “virtual” strikes against you…but you were dead in the water from “But first…”  Everyone’s been comparing you to Kalia but I hope that stopped as soon as you told us in your intro that you work out and have even run two marathons.   It’s a shame because you are a superfan and you figured out right away that Frank was hiding things.  You will not be missed, but you will be remembered, at least by me.  OVERALL: EVICTED

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Did this premiere of Big Brother go by WAY too fast or was it just me?  Minus commercials we got about 45 minutes and that was NOT enough!  Premieres should be two hours! I’m SURE CBS can afford a bigger battery pack for Chenbot.

But onto the point tally…combining points from last week’s intro blog…and since I’m feeling generous, awarding 14 points to commemorate this 14^th season:

IAN is #1! And it looks like Britney’s team is faring the best overall!