We had our firs
t live show! I learned and/or realized lots of things during the live show…things that I will never use outside of this blog, but hey, it is what it is. For example, I believe this season of Biiiiiig Brother has the longest “biiiiiiig” ever and I blame Clayton Halsey. He’s the “voice” aka announcer that gives us the too-long summary of “what we’ve missed,” although if you’re a real fan you shouldn’t have “missed” ANYTHING prior to tuning into the live show. But that’s just my snobby self talking. But yeah Clayton, what happened to just “Big Brother” in three syllables?! Why the “Biiiiiiiiiig Brother”?! Tone it down please.
And speaking of toning it down, I see Julie’s writer has dumbed down the “live show” questions along the lines of “What is the one word that you would use to describe…” Um. I know. XANAX. Apparently, things have changed way more than I thought since I was in the BB house, and drugs fly out of the CBS production rooms more freely, no magically, than they used to. And lots of references to it on the feeds too. Hmmmm…
But, on to the rest of what I discovered watching this week’s goings-on:
BRITNEY’S TEAM: You looked like you wanted to barf when Julie announce you’d be given yet, more, responsibility. You’re such a lame coach but you’re still very entertaining indeed. As I write, two of your players are already in the process of trying to alcohol swab Willie off their bodies in anticipation of this new week. You and all your wonky Willie love affair are in trouble. You picked another Lane. You cried on the feeds that you missed your husband and I believed you. Being newlywed should trump Willie Wonky. I just made that up. Ha. On to your team:
SHANE: Dude, that “V.T.” sign you were doing in the diary room to represent Vermont looked more like some fingering technique your Head Douche Frat Leader taught you back in college. We get it. Vermont. Yummy syrup and good skiing. Moving on. You won the Power of Veto (+5 points) after quickly realizing that going with 25c “coins” was the best strategy (+5 points). As I suspected you did not use the POV (+5 points) because you did not have to. But then you totally had a shanefart during the HOH competition and went out first, and alone (-5 points). But you did give some intern an orgasm when they went with his “The house flipper decided not to flip the house” line about your not using the POV. So I guess you are a Good Samaritan of sorts. OVERALL POINTS: +10
WILLIE: You’ve got such a great facial structure. When you’re facing the camera with your eyes looking down and you’re not talking, you are so great to watch (+5 points). But when you get all Hantz-eyes and open your mouth to kill the English language, you’re horrible (-5 points). Guess what, there’s no luxury competition where you get to go to an island and have a barbecue and ice cream and a clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol. That’s the show the rest of your family did. Survivor. This is Big Brother. You have to LIVE with these people if you want to actually win. Idiot (-5 points). Unfortunately you can’t chop fire wood or catch fish to make shit up to the house, but you CAN calm the hell down and point fingers here and there. Most likely you’re going up but hopefully you’re not backdoored. Your Froot Loops freak-out will become classic BB outtake (+5 points) and I only wish I’d been the one to give you shit about it and not Boogie, because I would have broken out my momz Korean accent and yelled “I gonna eating riiiiiiiiice!” OVERALL POINTS: 0
JOJO: You should be ashamed that the only airtime you get is when you’re acting like a three-years-too-late Real Housewife of Staten Island (-5 points). It’s entertaining for a minute, and then really, you should have something to fall back on besides those classy star tattoos you have on your elbows. However, you managed to avoid any major fights (+5 points) and and you’re relatively safe in the house and already trying to make yourself safer, according to the feeds today (+5 points), and you’re onto Janelle’s spiked koolaid (+5 points). If you’re going to flip a table Giudice-style anytime soon, please let it be with Janelle. Janelle “knows good tv” and that would be very good tv. But please don’t speak on live shows anymore. Ax is not synonymous with ask (-5 points). They are quite different. “Why you gotta ax me?” and “Why you gotta ask me?” are different, yes? OVERALL POINTS: +5
BOOGIE’S TEAM: Who are you? Are you really the guy in the BB house with more printed t-shirts than Jersey Shore ever gave us? There’s a time and place for everything, but there are times that you miss and can never get back. And you should really consider this your last hurrah before fostering a different environment around your future. Yes, I’m on a soapbox. And from this soapbox I also see that you protected Ian with good reason, as he is clearly the kookiest but tolerable nerd BB has had and will ever have. Good move giving him “immunity”. You made a fool of yourself during the Coaches Challenge but you won so congrats. And Frank came back with a vengeance as current HOH. On to your team:
IAN: Walking around the house in your pink polka-dot boxers and behaving like a FREAK because you think all the HGs are asleep but, as a super fan, you are aware that we are all watching you on the feeds (+5 points). Good for you! You’ve dreamt of this summer since you were pre-wet-dreaming. Why not do all the random crazy shit you want?! But do not EVER streak again (-5 points) anywhere at any time under any circumstance no matter what the incentive, okay? But feel free to rub any more of Joe’s things in your naked crotch as it seems to bother him. I hope we can believe him. And I know girls in the house have been throwing the word “creeper” around in reference to you, and I think that’s stupid. You’re not a creeper, you’re just a freak! Welcome! OVERALL POINTS: 0
FRANK: You popped your HOH cherry with calculated force (+10 points) and I couldn’t be happier for you. Winning HOH after coming off the block just 4 minutes back is a BB high (+5 points)…that I’ve never felt because I didn’t need to, you do…but you are the next big target if Willie goes this week. And this is partly your doing after running to LOUD and loudmouthed Joe and tattling on Willie, who’s cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs and Froot Loops too, apparently (-5 points). You really do know the game and you’re good at telling us about it in the diary rooms, but you have to start showing your more “sensitive” side to the ladies and get less threatening fast. Let them braid your hair or something. Braids seem to be in this BB season. Oh, and Jules too. Jules is in the house! OMG, I love that you refer to Mrs. Moonves II as Jules (+5 points). OVERALL POINTS: +15
JENN: Are you really still that angry about getting farted on by Frank the other night? Now that he’s HOH, I bet it’s all water under the bridge right? Dude, if the worst thing that happens to you in the BB house is getting farted on, then you will come out pretty much unscathed. Get over it (-5 points). And stop calling Boogie “Boogs” (-5 points). WTF?! Are we not all grown adults?! And as an adult, I see you’re carrying yourself very well in the house (+5 points) and sticking by the golden rule of just being pleasant enough to sit back and watch your HGs for a couple weeks, (+5 points) whether you know it or not. I hope you get more interesting though. Please. And why would you consider yourself a part of an alliance called “Diversity” when it’s you and six white people (-5 points)? I can say that. It’s the obvious. Sheesh. Next year they’re renaming the show White Brother. OVERALL POINTS: -5
JANELLE’S TEAM: You are back with a vengeance. You glow, you love being back in the house so much. How hardcore you are. You did what you had to do last week to secure your team a cushion. None of the other coaches have done that. At this point you and Boogie have the most intact teams, as Britney will most likely lose someone this week. As a fan of you and also the game I rank you very high here. As a fan of you and everything you have back at home, I wish you had come back seasons later. It’s bittersweet but more like something’s missing for me when I watch you for the third time. Onto your team:
JOE: Here’s a clue dude, and free of charge. Stop playing a character…the same character you play in your not-so-viewed youTube videos. Clearly, it’s not working, and in the diary room it’s getting borderline Rachel in the annoying department (-5 points). You’re too loud and too wanna-be-more (-5 points). You would be SO MUCH MORE likeable if you talked like a real person, perhaps similar to the way you’d talk to your family or friends. And slow down all these tales you’re weaving (-5 points), one at a time and space them out, dude. The first one you told to Frank worked well (+5 points), but you need to SHUT UP and CHILL OUT. You are no Shelly, as even your voice is higher-pitched than hers, and you are annoying everyone with your cooking for an army when you only have food for a family for a week. OVERALL POINTS: -10
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WIL: Why do I like you so much? For so many reasons, including that face you made during the live show when Julie asked you to describe the time in the house in one word (+5 points). You seem to be playing a very smooth and steady social game (+5 points) with so much potential in you for physical and endurance competitions (+5 points). You are the strongest of Janelle’s three players (+5 points) in that way. And you don’t scream like Joe, or fall asleep like Ashley, when you talk. You need to stop with those mesh-y see-through shirts though (-5 points). It’s not fair. I had to burn my freaking fishnet during my season so you should not get to flaunt your super-fine-fishnet-called-mesh shirts! Oh, and kudos on getting down to the last two with Frank in the HOH competition. OVERALL POINTS: +15
ASHLEY: You are the most bizarre Snow White character I’ve ever come across with your mysterious disappearances off the feeds and the way you fly off to a different planet whenever you want. But you gave Ian his first televised date (+5 points) and let him talk about science (+5 points) and you still stuck to the majority and booted Karalicious (+5 points). You should probably start idolizing Porsche right about now so you have a titanium in with Janelle. Otherwise, you are too BB-collateral-damage material right now (-5 points). And stick to Wil. Between the two of you there are three alliances going on OMG. OVERALL POINTS: +10
DAN’S TEAM: I think the writing is on the Big Brother wall, Dan. You excel at coaching football, and you should stick to coaching football. But the boys back home will want to know all about what it was like living with a centerfold. You referred to Boogie as a “42-year old second-rate Chilltown member”. I’m smirking as I write this. Dude. You’re down a Jodi and a Playmate of the Year. A trade wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world for you, unless it’s for Willie who’s backdoored. But if you get cut you get to go home to a beautiful wife and carry on newlywedding so, it’s not the worst thing in the world. Just to your BB coaching record. On to your team:
KARA: I’m sorry Julie lied to you and said Hugh Hefner tweeted “Go Kara!” That was uncalled for and just plain mean because he did no such thing. False reporting. In any event, I’m also sorry you had to go out the way you did through those goodbye messages on the way out. With sexist Joe telling you to “go back to modeling” and Shane telling the world that he’s “gonna miss those long legs that make everyone feel welcome”. I’ve never heard that one before. Yowza. Maybe next your agent can swing you a trip around the world if you get Playboy Bunny Joy from The Glass House to join you on The Amazing Race? It seems all the CBS reality shows are trying to fornicate and produce freaks-of-reality-tv baby shows! Go for it! BE THE SUN!
DANIELLE: I’m actually really glad you’re NOT a kindergarten teacher because you have got to be one of the whiniest-while-clueless-yet-not-cute-enough-to-get-away-with-it girls this season (-5 points). And this includes Wil. I’d much rather deal with an annoying nurse who’s taking my blood than meet you one day because you will be my child’s kindergarten teacher. But my personal complaints aside…you’re not a threat to anyone in the house (+5 points) and if anything you are now a swing vote (+5 points) as Dan’s only player and chance in the house, unless CBS has something in store for us called a “twist”. Dan clearly preferred chest-bump-comforting Kara while she cried all week, but you are a good second-string choice. OVERALL POINTS: +5
And on to the Power Rankings!
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ASS FIRST, a few notable mentions:
BEST FAKE NAKED POSE: WIL (+5 points)
Didn’t Wil totally look naked right after the nomination ceremony?! Well, he did in the reflection in the mirror behind Britney. Teehee.
BEST FAKE CHICKEN GEORGE POSE: The BB Burglar
Way better than the mime I got stuck with. But seriously, I thought it was Chicken George at first.
WORST POSE PERIOD: BOOGIE (-1000000 points)
Shirts like these should not belong to people like this for many insanitary and other reasons.
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So with 37 Freebie points to all the HGs to celebrate my 37th birthday on Thursday… the scoreboard says:
IAN is #1! And it looks like Boogie’s team is faring the best overall!
PS: I’d like to thank everyone for the birthday wishes! My birthday fell on a Live Show night and I loved it. I’m a biiiiiiiiiiiig fan of Biiiiiiiiiiig Brother, but I’m a bigger fan of life. Hell. Yeah. See you all next week!
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