DNC, VMA, HOH, POV, WTF were you watching live last night?! If you tuned in for the live show and double eviction, then you got to see this season of Big Brother get down to the final five. The point in which during my season I’d won HOH and also a walk down the red carpet at the VMAs. But this season we got see Dan win HOH and get scolded by the woman he’s called “Mrs. Chen” one too many times for it to be funny.
And just like that, the season that seemed to drag on longer than baseball season is now down to the last five HGs. Touché. Sorry. Had to throw in that blatant misuse of Danielle’s favorite word.
And, how do you feel about this crew of five, from which we will crown a new winner forever to be socially imprinted in Wikipedia?
This is how I feel:
SHANE: Thank you for being you, whether it’s singing about your milkshake bringing all the boys to the yard and giving live feeders more to point and laugh about (+45 points) or saying things like “That is not warm and that does not taste good either, keep your mouth closed,” during the HOH Endurance Comp last week (+65 points) while getting sprayed in the mouth with planetary spunk. You bring out the pervy eleven year old boy in me, thank you (+95 points). The fact that you made a deal with Ian to keep you and Danielle safe was nice to see (+130 points) and it actually worked (+120 points). The fact that you told Ian his mom was “hot” after seeing his HOH picture was consistent with your odder-than-life persona, and just felt really weird to hear (-240 points). But you made up for it when you hissed at Danielle “Don’t hug me, good job,” as she moved towards you dripping in sticky OTEV discharge (+125 points) although I wish she had so we could have heard you squeal. You have lost your Captain America touch and can’t seem to win a competition if your prostate depended on it (-350 points). Winning comps later in the game matter more, silly. You’ve been quite a bore on the feeds but that’s okay, the world will always need vanilla with a hint of maple syrup. OVERALL POINTS: -10 points
IAN: Um, hello. You won POV during the double eviction (+230 points) after Dan put you up next to Joe (+160 points) dressed like you were ready for school pictures (+25 points). Congrats on popping your “Nominated Cherry”. Then you win HOH just hours later (+50 points), thereby driving Danielle just a little more crazy (+20 points). Enough with the mourning over Britney though. Just because I said I found it endearing last week doesn’t mean you should over do it (-125 points). We get it. She removed the boy-turned-man hair from your armpits. Just make sure you keep your pits in line if you really want to celebrate her. You did have me smiling at your “I’d sweat a little bit if I were you,” to Frank after you’d won HOH last week. You are imperfect in some of the best ways and some of your off-the-cuff remarks make up for what seems like so much other scripted stuff this summer (+75 points). I enjoyed greatly your referring to Frank as a “meat shield” and I have to say, for a young man of 21 who’s craving a big fat joint, you’ve carried yourself quite well this summer (+70 points) minus the streaking incidents (-210 points). Your point about “Nominations are 99% strategy and 1% vengeance” is absolutely true (+160 points) and without that vengeance this game would be as boring as Kristen Stewart in, oh, any movie. I actually would rather watch your ADHD-driven rocking “in need of constant motion” over Ms. Stewart anyway. Although I was a little disappointed with your renom speech when Dan took Jenn off and you put Joe up in her place. Bad acting my little one (-285 points). But it doesn’t matter really, since you managed to snag magic rocks, a telescope, a volcano kit, inflatable alligator, chocolate truffels, legos, a thousand bucks and other goodies through Pandora’s Box (+190 points) though I hate that you opened it (-140 points), in general. OVERALL POINTS: +220
FRANK: Frank, Frank, Frank. You claim your HOH was a good one because you removed Britney from the house. Yet you were up against Dan in the OTEV POV Competition when it was Dan that should have exited in Britney’s place. Your key’s only been pulled from that nomination box one time. Even Joe’s soul patch has gotten more action than your key this summer. And it’s nobody’s fault but your own. But you will most likely come back to the game on some future season so see you around. OVERALL POINTS: FAIL
JENN: I’m going to award you (+25 points) off the bat to make up for my killing spree last week. But I need you to stop talking about the “big moves” you made in reference to using the POV. That is so ten days ago, geez (-115 points). You lasted all but five minutes in the HOH Endurance Competition last week but you certainly picked up some momentum and fared better in comps as of late (+130 points) as you actually beat Danielle back to OTEV in the first round of POV (+145 points) and then got down to the tie-breaker in the HOH competition (+35 points). But you have no additional wins to show for it (-120 points). I wish I could have read your mind when you saw that meat shield Jessie enter the house as a result of Pandora’s Box. The fact that you had no idea who he was (-135 points) made me laugh (+40 points). I wasn’t quite sure what you were are riled up and angry about these last couple of weeks but then I watched you on the feeds telling Danielle that you battle anger management issues outside house. Well. Just don’t come looking for me when all is said and done. Take it out on Willie or something. But do continue to tell Danielle such things as, “Shane referred to you as his girlfriend the other day,” as it makes Danielle love you like she’s never loved a lesbian before (+60 points). You should be feeling on top of the Big Brother world right now though, as you are surely everyone’s top choice to go to final two with (+100 points). OVERALL POINTS: +165
JOE: I said last week that “You are such a hot mess that it’s almost getting endearing” and with your eviction last night you’ve actually managed to leave making most of us laugh albeit at you more so than with you. Poor hygiene and choice of facial growth aside, you have actually been more bearable than Kalia was at the end of the day. I hope you get to take your hula hoop home with you. OVERALL POINTS: FAIL
DAN: I appreciated your “If I have to stab everyone in the back to get to the end, that’s what I’m going to do” in the diary room (+145 points). Your chat with Ian about his growing up with ADHD was a nice break from the usual (+125 points). And I hear you got all choked up reading the letter you got from your wifey last night. Nice. But that “In Dearborn, Michigan, you don’t make deals before you pay back debts” was like WTF (-160 points) and pretty much anything that comes out of your mouth sounds like a Craigslist scam, so I don’t think you’re doing Dearborn any favors. I know it’s not on my bucket list of places to find myself, ever. I’m not sure that you actually meant to win HOH but congrats on the win (+90 points) and congrats on getting rid of the one person you did not have a final two deal with, Joe (+120 points). But sending Joe to the jury house to an already-angry-at-you Frank/Ashley/Britney is a risky move (-220 points) although I’m sure you’ll come up with some sort of Nouveau Funeral Speech come jury time should you get to final two. And nice job winning the OTEV POV and pretty much having HGs clear a bigger path for you to that $500K check. Nobody in this house has been as focused on winning as you have, and at best some have been more focused on surviving week to week, but you have remained focused on the big prize (+50 points). And if you want that big prize, the only guarantee for it is to take Jenn to final two with you…if the jury is not an angry bitter one by the end of the season. OVERALL POINTS: +150
DANIELLE: With all your “I’m the best competitor no matter what the competition” bullshit, you only lasted 34 minutes in the HOH Endurance Comp (-25 points). And I’m sincerely happy for you that Shane managed to include you in the deal he made with Ian (+120 points). But I wish you much menstrual cramping your next cycle, for being a complete disgrace to the ovarian race what with you teasing horny Joe during your current reign as Vag of Household this past week (-440 points). And nobody was surprised that you struggled in the OTEV POV Competition because you kept finding your own name over and over again. I do give you credit though, for always maintaining stalker focus on your intended victim week to week. Though Frank threw compliments at you all week, you refused to change your vote (+230 points). So there IS more to your game than flaming insecurity and hypochondria. Oh, and good job covering up that angry cyst on your forehead (+115 points). I’m beginning to wonder if you’re the female Woogie in this summer’s Something About Shaney. OVERALL POINTS: 0
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Before we get to scores, let’s play a game! NAME THAT BB BUTT! Whose booty is pictured below?!
And at the end of what feels like the eighteenth, but really the eight week, of BB:
Ian’s back on top with 476 points with Dan following close behind with 401 points!