BB14 Power Rankings: Week Five

“There’s some despicable human filth in this house,” said Joe, this week.

The “filth” he speaks of now is nothing compared to filth disguised as fans outside that house.  There are real fans of Big Brother and then there are the fanatics.  Do you know the difference between the two?  I do.

In theory, bringing back old HGs on new seasons sounds like a good idea.  In reality, the more invested fanatics get in their “BB favorites”, the further they become unhinged leading to outlash along the lines of “I hope you and your family die by (insert filth)”.

This happened last season to Shelly.  Her choices last summer lead to a perverse level of harassment, by Jeff and Jordan fans, extending to her daughter and husband. Nobody who volunteers to entertain us during our summer should have to endure death threats.   But it is now added to the “Expect the Expected” theme of Big Brother.

It’s easy to encourage BB alum to just “ignore the crazies” when you’re watching from the sidelines. You all let me know if you think there’s an alternative/solution to dealing with the crazies outside the house.  I am at a loss.

For now, I’ll focus on the crazies currently in the house:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BRITNEY: Your “Zing” was weak, and from two seasons ago.  “Britney, did you come back to play or to show everyone your wedding photos?” should have been the zing.  And even that would have been on the “nice” side.  But you are in for a world of hurt when you get out into the real world again.  But only if you jump back on Twitter and/or BB message boards.  But I don’t think you will. You shouldn’t, really.  I happen to enjoy your diary room sessions (+5 points), albeit less than last summer but I still do enjoy them.  When the coaches first entered the game I said you were in the best spot of all of them and I still believe this to be true (+5 points).  As long as you don’t get medi-vac’d  out of the house for picking at your face until it bleeds out (-5 points) you will still last the longest of all the coaches.  You earned your safety this week in the HOH Competition (+5 points) but it turns out you don’t really need it because Shane is HOH.   OVERALL POINTS: +10

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SHANE: As I write this, you are admitting to Danielle that your initial strategy was to come in “pretending to be gay”.  WTF kind of strategy is that (-5 points)?!  This isn’t The Gay Bachelor!  Sigh.  Congrats on your second HOH win (+10 points).  It remains to be seen what you do with it, but either way you are building up quite a BB resume for someone who ended up on the show accidentally (+5 points).  And aside from the “you’re so gay” jokes and harassment coming your way post-BB, I’d say the majority of the BB fanbase will not be too hard on you.  And when I say not too hard on you, I mean, you won’t get death threats.  Besides, you were a pretty good sport about your “Zing” as you bit your lower lip playfully at us in the diary room.  Yes, I noticed.  And I think you made enough of us laugh over your “I think I just popped a testicle” quip during the POV competition (+5 points).  If I had nuts I would have been scared to have Frank jumping on them too.  OVERALL POINTS: +15

 

 

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BOOGIE: Your “Zing” could have gone in so many different directions, but you got off easy with the “you’re old” line.  I would have added to that “but you prefer your men even older” to that but hey, I’m not the Zingbot.  Kudos on being the first to have figured out that Danielle is a nurse in real life (+5 points).  And of all the current HGs, you are least likely to venture out onto the message boards and BB forums, but I’m sure you will be able to use your imagination in figuring out what fans and fanatics alike are saying about you.  You took the $10K during the HOH Competition (+5 points). I don’t see anything wrong with that since you are not the next biggest target in the house.  But you did leave your Frank exposed now. And you had Ian helping you along during the POV Competition but you lost anyway (-5 points).   Your “Hi Brady” during your live vote only reminded us that you left your baby to return to another summer of STDs and scandals (-10 points), but at least you mentioned your baby voluntarily (+5 points) and not as a second thought.  OVERALL POINTS: 0

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

IAN: Your “Zing” was pretty mild in the grand scheme of things, because I surely would have zinged you on all your buttcrack hair.  But I am just that immature.  You need to watch your back a little closer as we pass the half-point mark of the season.  Dan and Co. are onto you as an easy win, but the good news is they won’t come after you (+5 points) as they have bigger fish to fry.  This is when your small fish status is actually helping you.  You have caught on by now though, that Danielle is hungry for compliments, so I’m confident in your ability to swing her your way when you most need it going forward.  Your advantage right now is that you haven’t pissed anyone off too badly but proven “useful” here and there to several people (+5 points).  Once you’re out of the house you will be surprised at how many fans you have actually accrued over the summer. And as far as the ones who will attack you? They’d attack you regardless.   Bullies will always be bullies.  OVERALL POINTS: +10

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FRANK: I can’t believe your “Zing” was about your hair when, really, it should have been about your pits (-5 points).  You say you don’t wear deodorant because of the “chemicals that may cause cancer” in them.  Really?!  When I was young, my momz always told me using tampons would result in my losing my virginity and still I was brave enough to switch to them anyway.  And hey, I’m still a virgin to this day!  Your spiritard cheer was cute (+5 points) and your makeout session with Ashley was both unexpected and entertaining (+5 points) though I’m sure you would have rather made out with JoJo, if only to bring closure on your “steamy dream” about her.  Good job winning POV (+5 points) although I really feel like you should have gone with your own gut instead of Boogie’s (-5 points) as they are coming after you this week anyway.  And you saw from Boogie’s choices last night, he had no intention of winning HOH to protect you.  You’d better hope this week’s POV is about wrestling terminology.  But if you go, you’ll see that the fanatics originally out for blood will have cooled off thanks to Janelle publicly acknowledging your gameplay. OVERALL POINTS: +5

 

 

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JENN:  You threw Wil your vote anyway despite the fact that you knew he was leaving (+5 points) which I wouldn’t usually award when voting against the house, but nobody really cares what you do in that house anyway.  So who am I to deduct points?  Even your “Zing” proved to be generic about your tattooes. Something someone off the street could have zinged.  Because you have not given us (+5 points), or the show, much to work with…you‘re that insignificant.  But I am happy for you that you got to dry hump Britney and Danielle during the Have Not Competition.  If only we had some diary room footage of you telling us about how your “plan” of impersonating a homeless woman is coming along perfectly.  Then I’d be able to give your some credit for making it halfway through this season.  Although I did notice you sent Ashley and Wil up to talk to Frank instead of going yourself.  Hmmmm… But alas, the HOH fish get more camera time than you (-5 points).  I applaud your efforts during the HOH Competition and although I have little sympathy for you about the injury you sustained, I do hope you recover soon.  Just don’t expect to get any good pain killers from the diary room, as Ashley’s got a monopoly on them. OVERALL POINTS: +5

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

JOE: You got off easy on your “Zing” considering you’ve been feeding the HGs more fecal matter than humanly possible.  Your family seems lovely (+5 points) judging from the clip we saw, which makes me dislike you even more as a HG because clearly you ARE capable of being somewhat normal.  You just choose to be unbearable (-5 points).  Although you are being touted as “trustworthy” both in and out of the house, it seems people are failing to realize that you would have turned just as easily on Janelle if given the chance.  According to your diary room session and conversations with various HGs, the only reason you DIDN’T vote her out was because you simply did not know what was going on.  You continue to lurk when sex talk is happening on the feeds, like the creepy uncle that you probably are to someone outside the house (-5 points).  But it’s pretty messed up that Britney’s been spreading rumors about you jerking off in dramatic fashion considering there’s no actual footage of this epic masturbation on your part.  OVERALL POINTS: -5

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WIL: I hate to admit it, but what Boogie said in his goodbye message to you was on-point.  You could have had one of the easier rides this summer yet you screwed it up royally.  I suppose any exposure was good to you and winning Big Brother meant less to you than having been a reject on American Idol.  And to think thousands of applicants would have loved to take your place.  What a waste.  I hope your dream of marrying and having a baby at twenty-eight comes true for you.  A dose of reality would help you immensely.  Thank you for the laughs this summer.  And burn those hair extensions.  It must be a science project on your scalp by now.  OVERALL POINTS: FAIL

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ASHLEY: You managed to sit out the Have Not Competition and have Frank compete for you (+5 points).  And whether or not your injuries are real, clearly the HGs are too stupid and/or preoccupied to care.  So good for you (+5 points).  I don’t know why I expected you to show a little more discretion (i.e. not makeout with Frank under the bright lights of the HOH room) but I suppose there’s no point when there’s footage of you out there somewhere either whipping/being whipped as a form of foreplay.  I think the majority of the fanatics who attack you post-season will either be those who felt you either did nothing in the game or because you had a hand in causing Janelle’s downfall.   Either way most of the attacks thrown your way will go over your head completely so you’re all good.  You’ve been coasting week to week, more concerned with your broken nail during the POV competition this week than you were with trying to win it (-5 points).  OVERALL POINTS: +5

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DAN: We missed your “Zing” this week as CBS decided not to air it.  It was probably something along the lines of “Dan, your tongue is so short you couldn’t even turn the pages of your overpriced book with it.”  Or maybe not, but I can always imagine it.  It boggles my mind that you had the nerve to make fun of Britney giving Shane advice during the POV Competition on “pipe-building” by comparing it to Ian giving “dating advice” when clearly you could use some of both (-5 points).   However, you do deserve some sort of medal for tolerating the psycho that is Danielle (+10 points).  And kudos on always sitting back and observing/listening while others talk strategy (+5 points).   Btw, your sister tweet me today and I have to say her looks and wit and overall cool factor actually stops me from deducting any more points from you. OVERALL: -10

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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DANIELLE: As much as I relish in pointing out your obvious shortcomings as a modern woman, I found it unfair that your “Zing” was of the nature it was when everyone else in the house seemed to get a free pass.  Did I enjoy your reaction to hearing the general public finds you as disturbing as I do?  Sure, but it was still unfair…and possibly damaging to Shane, inadvertently.  Anyone who spends more than five minutes on the feeds can see that you are in need of the kind of attention only the most qualified of shrinks can provide.  And I’m sure CBS is kicking themselves in the ass for casting you as you will surely run up their tab with their resident shrink, Dr. Z. once the show is over.    Minus your emotional and psychological unraveling before our live feed eyes, I actually think you’re playing a good game (+5 points) and have a valid an argument as anyone else should you get to final two somehow. OVERALL POINTS: +5

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ASS FIRST…

Jeff looked like he was adjusting to life in Hollywood pretty well considering he was plucked and primped and otherwise molded into yet another dime-a-dozen-homo-commitment-phobic struggling actor.  No really, he looked great.  Healthy and happy, and perhaps, being trained to take over Julie’s job next season?  BB goes off television and strictly online?  I don’t know…crazier things have happened right?

But yeah, Jeff’s segment was as disappointing as the Zingbot was this year.  Although I have to agree with Ashley that the babybot was pretty cute.

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And at the end of this fifth week of BB, and amendments made to the scoring errors from last week, plus 50 points awarded to everyone for making it to the halfway mark:

Shane is #1 and Boogie’s been knocked back to 4^th!

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