BB14 Power Rankings: Week Four

Janelle is gone.  I repeat.  Janelle is gone.

If you’re a fan of the show, this is BIG news whether or not you follow the live feeds.

It’s still pretty big news to you if you’re just casually/moderately-committed television-only viewer.  However, you probably then also believe it when CBS tells you that Ian and Ashley are falling in love, or that Danielle is anything but a socio-pathological liar.  I don’t even know if the term “socio-pathological” even exists, and I’m not bothering to Google it because it’s the perfect word to me, to describe Danielle…she’s a sociopath and pathological. Period.

My point being, with diary room sessions more rehearsed than ever and so many blatant misrepresentations of what’s going on in the actual Big Brother house, this is now more show and less game.  The viewing population that has stuck with Big Brother through 14 seasons is now a little older, a little wiser and cynical and everything in between.  We don’t want made-up Big Brother. We just want decent editing and summary of what actually happened since the last time we watched.  It’s no wonder ratings are dropping at an alarming rate.

Big Brother still can’t be beat in summer programming, but the wear and tear is beginning to show in its viewership.  I am here all summer. It makes me wonder where we will all be NEXT summer.

I’m done preaching. Let’s get onto this week’s Power Rankings.  Oh, and I just started watching The Walking Dead and I’m all into the zombie thing now.  And this is my blog so I’m making everyone zombies this week just because I can:

BRITNEY: You lied about pressing the button, and it was actually believable (+5 points) because everyone knows you know they know you suck at this.  Congrats on coming in second in the HOH Endurance Competition (+5 points) and faring pretty will in last night’s HOH Competition. Your main allies are Shane and Danielle.  Shane is a big target and Danielle can turn on you and kick you in your vajayjay at the drop of a hat.  Not too great (-5 points).  What was up with the waffling and crying about voting out Janelle at the 11^th hour, when you’ve been trashing and bashing her on the hour every hour? Are you bipolar or just another Danielle?  Either way, we are on to you and so are the other HGs (-5 points).  And Janelle too.  She’ll see everything you said soon enough.  OVERALL POINTS: 0

SHANE: A “close family friend”, ahem—boyfriend, of yours tweeted me this week saying I should stop saying that you are gay.  Fine. I will only imply it from now on.   Whatevs.  Nobody really cares dear, except for Danielle, we all love you for the puka boy you are. Nice work keeping yourself safe until now (+5 points) and then planting a kiss on Danielle after her HOH victory (+5 points) to cement her undying and zombie love for you.  This week with Frank as HOH you may go up as a pawn and/or “okay-if-he-goes”  nomination (-5 points).  Your hair-plugged days in the BB house are numbered my ambiguously gay friend. OVERALL POINTS: +5

BOOGIE: You also denied pressing the Put Me In Coach Julie button, but you were actually the only one of the four coaches telling the truth.  And everyone believed it (+5 points).   Good for you for putting Dan on the spot and convincing him to choose you over Janelle (+5 points).  You turned things around this week and went full-steam-ahead on the Evict Janelle train, to great success (+10 points).   I found your goodbye message to Janelle fitting, as I’m sure she would have left you one similar had the roles been reversed (+5 points).  You are a peculiar creature with a life full of dents and stains, but you do know your Big Brother.  You pushed Frank to the last round of this last HOH, propelling him to a win.  I think that was a good move (+5 points), but there are those who think you can do no good no matter what. Your reputation precedes you like Frank’s deodorant-less body odor precedes him (-5 points).  And it’s too bad more people aren’t happier for your position in the house this week.  Oh well.   OVERALL POINTS: +25

IAN: You and your boy boobs lasted three hours and fifteen minutes in that HOH Endurance Competition (+5 points) before you exited after assurance for your safety.  You continue to take on the “punishments” in the game (+5 points) and thereby leave your legacy as “The HG that was a dog/Have Not, etc…”  This is what you wanted, yes? For your name to be the answer to future BB trivia questions yes? Whatever floats your boat and also gets your further, really.  And considering you came in the game as the very odd man out, you’ve done quite well for yourself thus far.  Even last night after the live show I watched on the feeds as you split your time wisely between all the HGs, making your rounds (+5 points). Not bad kid.  Just take it easy on the Joe bashing (-5 points) because he may be around for a while. OVERALL POINTS: +10

FRANK: I can’t believe you were EATING during the HOH Endurance Competition (+5 points).  I didn’t even know that was allowed, but it was kinda cool.  I don’t think I would have lasted more than 14 minutes on that thing, let alone been able to swallow any protein at the same time.  You teamed up with the right “daddy” and he saved your spiritard-wearing ass last week (+5 points).   People are crying foul about you staying, but Joe stayed too and the coaches got to come into the game and we were all subjected to Danielle’s psychosis and everything has evened out in the BB world again.  Re-reset.  You took HOH (+10 points) and your “Nana” turned out to be a real person and gem in your life unlike other imaginary dying loved ones, ahem—Matt Hoffman, we’ve seen before.  You are playing a great social game and you’ve now won two HOHs.  Between you, Shane and Danielle you’ve won all the competitions save for one.  You three should form some sick Love Triangle Alliance.  OVERALL POINTS: +20

JENN:  Just when I start joking that the BB house is probably the nicest resort you’ve ever checked into, you go and win a vacation to Maui during the POV Competition this week (+5 points) after scoring a grand from Boogie already.  Luck Be a Lady-man.   You sucked at the HOH Competition (-5 points), which we all thought was “rigged” for you considering it was called “Battle of the Bands”.  So I’m deducting another (-5 points) just because.  But it was trivia-linked and so it actually makes sense.  The only questions you’re capable of answering at this point is how many times you’ve burped after eating, and times you’ve farted in–between meals.  Be sure to leave a tip for the cleaning crew when you check out of the BB Resort Asylum. OVERALL POINTS: 0

JANELLE:  Even though you’ve now lost three times, and according to Ian spent the equivalent of six months in that BB house, you will be fine.  Your fans need to realize this too.  I’m sure you will be appalled and also awed by the ferocity your fans went on the attack during the time you’ve been in the house.  According to Julie you are a “Big Brother Great” and she told us this a few times, no doubt because she forgot your name at some teleprompter-less point.  You’ve provided lots of entertainment for a long time but really, you should have said “no thank you” because this season’s HGs certainly did not respect you. And Boogie got to disrespect you again.  You said on the feeds you couldn’t wait to go home to your bed and your pillows.  Hug them tight tonight. OVERALL POINTS: FAIL

JOE: You are officially a man-catlady.  Blind in your devotion to Janelle to the point that you had no idea you were her only vote (-5 points).  Frank’s wrestling ancestry cemented your safety last week, even if you did have the votes.  And this week you avoided nomination because Danielle was on a crazy streak involving Janelle and not you.  But as I write this you are probably preparing yet another HOH Royal Kissass Breakfast chock full of your random bodily fluids.  Interesting how you didn’t make Danielle an HOH breakfast.  Probably better (+5 points), as she will tell everybody that you attacked her in her bed you were so overwhelmed with sexual desire for her.  You’re probably not going this week, but you are that tarnished in the house that you will most likely become the guy everyone wants to take to the final three (+5 points) so you can be cut.  And you didn’t even plan any of this, you are just that unpleasant to live with, apparently.  OVERALL POINTS: +5 

WIL: You told us in the diary room that you know that Dan is just doing the same thing he did in his season (+5 points) but the question is… Are you going to stop him?   You could have given Danielle a harder time about putting you up after promising she wouldn’t, but you didn’t (+5 points) and eventually got the POV used by her.  Exactly.  She is that all over the place.  But it worked to your advantage.  Congrats on winning $5K during the POV Competition this week (+5 points).  I remember back in my season there were no cash incentives, though I did get a ride on the Goodyear Blimp.  But it was with Alison so…  Anyway, you’ve formed some sort of TIT Alliance with Ashley and Jenn and overnight became BFFs.  It’s very transparent and annoying the hell out of me (-5 points), but good luck with that anyway.  OVERALL POINTS: +10

ASHLEY: You seem to need quite a lot of whatever pharmaceutical candy the diary room is giving out these days.  I remember having to beg for Tylenol PM at one point my season.  What is up with you?  And you think we believe you when said in the diary room that you had “everything figured out until the coaches came in”?  Everything figured out?  Like, which nuts to pick out of the canned assortment everyday for a snack (-5 points)? Yeah.  I’ve been watching you.  And you’ve been getting caught up in the all the webs of lies and seeds planted over the last few weeks. You said in your pre-season interview that you wanted to be seen as a “ditzy blonde” but you would be anything but.  That’s fine and it’s working (+5 points). So please give us some diary room sessions indicating you’re not just some ditzy blonde, please thank you.   OVERALL POINTS: 0

DAN: You’re not as great as you think you are so you need to tone everything down a little (-5 points).  The good news, nobody is actually as good as they think they are in that house.  You totally brainqueefed and spilled to Boogie about the Frank’s botched blindside, indicating he does have some sort of mildly sick hold over you (-5 points) and you had misread his devotion to Frank. Somehow you fell into some Silent6 Alliance, while all you do is SCREAM in the diary room (-5 points), though you originally had a boner for a Coaches Alliance.   At this point you have temporary custody of the certifiably insane Danielle (+5 points) but I’d be careful if I were you.  Both in the game and thereafter when she comes to find you in Dearborn.   OVERALL: -10

DANIELLE: By some random piece of luck only BB could ever fabricate, you also won POV in addition to being HOH (+10 points) and you used your power to take Wil off the block and put Janelle in his place (+5 points).  However, your SWF-type hate and obsession with Janelle, and yourself, went beyond game (-10 points) and now you will surely have a breakdown upon learning how viewers dislike you.  You seem to have picked up a thing or two in the last week as far as gameplay and despite your bouts of delusion and horny tantrums, you HAVE made some big moves (+5 points).  I do believe your extensive experience in stalking and staking out ex-boyfriends’ homes will come in handy again for future competitions.  And I fear it may already be too late for the little lambs in the BB house because you WILL go all Hannibal Lecter on them one night and eat their kidneys.     OVERALL POINTS: +20

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ASS FIRST, and on a more serious note…

Let’s all take a breath and inhale…whatever you want really be it air, nicotine, weed and/or other whatevers…and remember this is TELEVISION.  It’s not a place where death threats and vile anger should be so prevalent.  This goes for fans and BB alum alike.  Draw a line somewhere.  If you’re not sure where, see a therapist.  But not the one Danielle’s been seeing.  Clearly, that’s not been working out too well.

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And at the end of this fourth week of BB, and amendments made to a clerical error in Ian’s score last week:

OMG Boogie is #1?!   Janelle will be thrilled I’m sure.

See what CBS can’t show you on TV – get the Big Brother 14 Live Feeds on SuperPass!

See what CBS can’t show you on TV – get the Big Brother 14 Live Feeds on SuperPass!