We made it down to the final three HGs! I had Ian #1 and Danielle #2 in my pre-season blog and both of them are the final three! Had I known then what I know about Danielle now…
Goodbye to Shane and Jenn. Shane went out as sweet as he came in the house, and I did feel sorry for the kid that he got done so dirty by Pastor Dan. Though I felt worse for him when Danielle suffocated him with her mouth. Ew. What a waste of an Olympic experience on those two. And Jenn, well, Jenn really went out eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that had been sitting behind Julie Chen’s butt. Nice.
Shane and Jenn are, by now, in the jury house not realizing the game isn’t over quite yet as Britney and Frank are still fighting. Though I couldn’t tell if they were fighting just to get some pent-up sexual frustration out, or what. And I imagine Joe will probably be plastered the whole time in sequester as we saw the first he thing he did when he got there was grab a drink. Which is only marginally better than Ashley, who’s clearly been self-medicating herself again into a pool of bubbles.
Has this been THE oddest season, to date, or what?!
Let’s give the final three their report cards for their BB semester to-date:
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IAN, Here’s a breakdown of your Final Three Report Card:
ACCEPTS RESPONSIBILITY FOR CHOICES AND ACTIONS – You have had your dishonest moments but you have ‘fessed up to most of them. And as the youngest BB HG to make it to final three, unless I’m wrong, you have held up under tremendous pressure. (Grade: 9 out of 10)
CAN WORK INDEPENDENTLY – I believe the first couple of weeks in the house you were a loner, despite being a part of Boogie’s team. Most of the ladies in the house termed you a “creeper” for no good reason but I am happy to see most everyone has come around. Your ADHD and behavioral tendencies couldn’t have been easy to grow up with. But they’ve made it all the more possible for you to thrive when working on your own, and this has benefited you greatly in this game. (Grade: 9/10)
PARTICIPATES IN GROUP ACTIVITIES – I still hate that streaking, with your hairy ass, was your contribution to many of the group activities this summer. But I know I have to get over that, eventually. (Grade: 7/10)
DEMONSTRATES CONSISTENT EFFORT – It’s no coincidence that you will go down in Wikipedia as the only two-time Pandora’s Box recipient, as you won some BIG comps along the way. You’ve consistently let us know what’s going on in that head of yours via the diary room and directly to the cameras via the live feeds. Although you fell for Dan’s scams, your efforts are what led you to final three. Congrats. (Grade: 9/10)
HANDLES CONFLICT APPROPRIATELY – Watching you this summer has been fun but awkward at times of conflict. Your shouting match with Frank will still go down as one of my favorite moments from this summer. But you do have a “tell” and it’s when you start launching into big bad dirty words. Perfect that poker face Ian. Then you can start your own Breaking Bad Empire. (Grade: 7/10)
LISTENS AND COMMUNICATES EFFECTIVELY – Watching you nearly beg Dan, “Please, Don’t Dan. Please,” not to put you up when he won the Double Eviction HOH broke my heart. “Please” does not cut it in the BB house when it’s “No, don’t do it” that should be coming out of your mouth as you put your foot down. (Grade: 8/10/)
SENSE OF COMPETITION – You told us, “Frank was my biggest threat to winning that $500k prize”. I believe that to be true and commend you for doing something about that. When you barked, “Not a hard decision, Julie!” in response to her questioning your use of the POV on yourself, it was not only funny to watch, but also showed us that very raw competitive nature hidden underneath all that body hair. (Grade: 8/10)
SELF-AWARE – Saying things like “I can come back and coach Big Brother now,” makes you sound wholly unaware, but I appreciate the fact that you say them when you’re all riled up on Ian juice. And watching you nearly cry as you whispered to yourself “I did it,” when you won HOH made me a little teary eyed. You’re a good egg Ian. Stay that way. (Grade: 8/10)
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY – Your “horizontal velocity kicked in” talk, and praises of such things as bismuth, is certainly appreciated this summer. You have managed to use your time in the BB house to get to final three and teach all of us a thing or two about school subjects far beyond our Google searches. Kudos. (Grade: 9/10)
PLAYS COOPERATIVELY WITH OTHERS – You always shared your HOH basket of goodies so willingly with other HGs this summer. And you coached people like Shane and Boogie during competitions as you sat on the sidelines. You are certainly BB’s favorite new nerd. (Grade: 8/10)
Final Grade: 82 (B)
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DAN, here’s a breakdown of your Final Three Report Card:
ACCEPTS RESPONSIBILITY FOR CHOICES AND ACTIONS – You don’t accept responsibility for every single thing, but really, who has the time to do all that in the diary room? However, you have made it abundantly clear that things such as “stabbing Frank in the back is a byproduct of” that “double crossing game” you play. (Grade: 8 out of10)
CAN WORK INDEPENDENTLY – Yes, you can. Clearly you can, considering you spent 24 hours in solitary confinement to come up with your funeral speech while battling disco lights and music. (Grade: 9/10)
PARTICIPATES IN GROUP ACTIVITIES – You do, though you kept your distance from group mayhem the first few weeks. But you did call your own funeral, which is technically, a group activity. (Grade: 7/10)
DEMONSTRATES CONSISTENT EFFORT – Nobody can say you’re not showing effort, what with that “I will rip your face off” threat to Ian before the live vote during last double eviction episode. But most of your consistence comes by way of your wife Chelsea, whose video message you cried over. There is no doubt that you two love each other, for real. (Grade: 9/10)
HANDLES CONFLICT APPROPRIATELY – The way you handled Boogie when he flipped out and Jenn when she flared up like a hemorrhoid, are the proper ways to handle conflict in the BB house. It’s great for us viewers and live feeders to see fighting going on, but ultimately it’s best to avoid that kind of energy if you want to win. (Grade: 9/10)
LISTENS AND COMMUNICATES EFFECTIVELY – You’ve had to listen, most, to Danielle all summer. Your “I put Memphis Garrette up twice,” to Danielle pretty much shut her up and again put her in her place, somewhere tucked between your balls. Besides Danielle, you’ve repeatedly convinced others to keep you safe by way of POV or HOH. You made it final three. End of story. (Grade: 8/10)
SENSE OF COMPETITION – Whether or not you will ever admit to which competitions you threw doesn’t matter. You always need to win the war, thus you care less about winning the battles. Others win them for you. There’s an argument to be made here that you didn’t win “enough” competitions. (Grade: 7/10)
SELF-AWARE – You said, “I’m not sure I have the smarts to beat Ian should he get to final three.” And now Ian is in final three. The fact that you can credit Ian with his skills speaks to your self-awareness and subsequent strategies. (Grade: 8/10)
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY – You get in all your convos and you spread them out over the course of hours/days to get people to do what you want. That’s a pretty effective use of time, unlike the very ineffective use of your wardrobe this summer. (Grade: 9/10)
PLAYS COOPERATIVELY WITH OTHERS – You’ve pissed a lot of people off this summer. People who are in the jury house, because of the way you’ve played this game. Although you whispered fervently into Shane’s ear, as he left, that he’s been played by Danielle this whole summer and that he should “ask Jenn”, Shane may compare notes once he goes to jury and Jenn will tell him that you referred to him as a “boy toy” last week. (Grade: 6/10)
FINAL GRADE: 80 (B-)
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DANIELLE: Here’s your Final Three Report Card:
ACCEPTS RESPONSIBILITY FOR CHOICES AND ACTIONS – Girls like you usually get killed right away in horror films, but in the BB house, it seems they never die. You take responsibility for everything good that happens, whether or not you are the cause, and you shun facing the music when it comes to times of trouble. Somehow you made it to final three anyway because you chose the right sets of testicles to hang on to for the ride. (Grade: 6 out of 10)
CAN WORK INDEPENDENTLY – I know that you’ve done things on your own this season, but those occasions are few and far between. I give you credit for being the last woman standing in a house designed to make you go crazy, but it seems you were already crazy to begin with, so whatevs. Your dependency on people has both helped you in the game, but will hurt you in jury votes (unless you win the final round and evict Dan). (Grade: 5/10)
PARTICIPATES IN GROUP ACTIVITIES – You will participate in any activity where you can draw attention to yourself, and so you did work yourself into the group of HGs you shared your summer with. Although you preferred to mount and sexually harass Shane all summer, you managed to tear yourself away from him enough times to be somewhat social. (Grade: 7/10)
DEMONSTRATES CONSISTENT EFFORT – You have demonstrated very consistent behaviors in your diary room sessions as of late. They all start out whiny, per usual, but now end in a pre-fake cry manner. Stop it. If you spent more effort on your own game and less on Dan’s, you could have a better argument should you get to final two. (Grade: 5/10)
HANDLES CONFLICT APPROPRIATELY – You jump immediately into distressed damsel mode when any conflict arises, which is weak in every way whether in the sense of the game, or in life. We now know that your mouth is fist-able because we’ve seen your jaw unhinge so often this season as a result of your dramatics. (Grade: 5/10)
LISTENS AND COMMUNICATES EFFECTIVELY – Your threat to Dan that you would castrate him with a butter knife has not gone unnoticed. Most everyone who’s tried holding a conversation with you has been forced to feed your insecurities with compliments and confirmations, because every conversation eventually revolves around your shallow being. (Grade: 5/10)
SENSE OF COMPETITION – Although your sense of competition is on the unhealthy side, I have to give it to you that you do throw yourself into every competition. You can’t win everything like you claim you can, but you have now won enough to be able to throw in the jury’s face. Though the fact that you threw the first round of final three competitions to Dan defeats the purpose of your competitive nature. Sigh.
SELF-AWARE – You are neither self-aware nor close to mature enough to know what to do with the prize money, should you win it. But that shouldn’t be a factor for the jury. Most of the jury still think you’re a harmless southern bell-shaped sweetheart, so you did something right I suppose.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY – You spent most of your time chasing a lady-boy all summer, being strung along by Dan and seducing super horny Joe, among other deplorable uses of time. But ultimately you are sitting in the final three with little or no blood on your hands. Let’s see where this leads you.
PLAYS COOPERATIVELY WITH OTHERS – You sure made it look like you were playing nice with everyone this summer, even if we, on the outside, know differently. It scares me that you are a nurse in care of others, but I suppose I should be relieved that you’re not a kindergarten teacher like you (unnecessarily) lied you were.
Final Grade: 53 (D)
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And with the points from these report cards accounted for:
Ian is still #1 in the Power Rankings, ahead of Dan by 77 points and ahead of Danielle by…who cares…Danielle’s last.
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