BB14 Power Rankings: Week Three

The coaches are in, and Jun Song is ranking the coaches-turned-players!

BB14 Power Rankings: Week Three

So much for “Expect the Unexpected.”

The coaches are in, after a drawn-out process of gasps and wide-eyed buzzer pushing, as we all expected.  I’d much rather CBS tell us “Hope you all had fun voting, now let’s bring these coaches into the game,” but no.  Julie Chen, who seemed to be wearing a yellow Kipling-bag-turned-dress, read her cue cards and teleprompter and carried on the charades.  Charming.

And that’s all the attention I’ll give to that bullshit America’s Vote.  Onto the Power Rankings:

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BRITNEY: So you’re in the game now.  The only thing you’re worse at than coaching is actually playing the game.  Oh, and you have no real influence on anyone but people like Danielle.  You sucked so bad at the Coaches Competition it implied you are as lazy in bed as you are in BB and you-on-top is not a frequent occurrence, let alone expecting any reverse cowgirl action from you.  Clearly you prefer to be on your back, which worked to your advantage in the HOH Endurance Comp where you kept your back glued to the wall for the duration.  Beginning next week I will be tallying up your points as well, but for now I’m just awarding you the same amount of points Shane’s got.   CURRENT TOTAL POINTS: 151

SHANE: According to CBS, you’ve been “winning over the ladies” when we weren’t looking. They should really make up their minds because they kept panning over to you several times while Jenn was telling everyone her coming out story. I noticed, did you notice? Congrats on winning yet another POV (+5 points) making it your third and clean sweep of POVS this season thus far (+10 points).  I’m sure Carmen Electra congratulated you as you slept, as she is a frequent figure in your dreams apparently (-5 points).  Seriously? Did you pull her out of “Acting Straight For Dummies” circa 2000? Get thee a newer edition. Although you work so hard to gain power, you continue to be gullible and so very easy to manipulate (-5 points) and it shows in your decision-making.  But you are patient, and your patience with Danielle and her dryhump-harassment of you has paid off as she is HOH and you are the least of her targets (+5 points).     OVERALL POINTS: +10

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BOOGIE: You are the only one of the four coaches who did not jizz on-camera pushing Julie’s “button” in the diary room.  I was shocked at first and then quickly realized you didn’t push it knowing the other three coaches would push it.  Or, because you came in a “winner”, you were already setting up your “I never wanted to come in, you’ll see I never pushed that button” scenario for when you lose.  The slight advantage you do have over the other coaches, though, is that you’ve only been “kind” to your “team” so you may have some protection going into the game.  For now, as I did with Britney, I’m awarding you your team’s overall three-week average as points entering the game.  Oh, and I do pity the fool back home that lost the bet…the bet that you wouldn’t get tongue this season.  I’m sure you made a nice chunk of change thanks to Ashley offering up her heavy dreamboard tongue to you.   CURRENT TOTAL POINTS: 136

IAN: You streaked again (-5 points) except this time there was an additional three weeks of hair growth in your crack to disgust us (-5 points).  I told you never to do that shit again.  You didn’t listen.  But you did volunteer for Have-Not again, taking the brunt off one of the brat HGs and Britney’s decision-making (+5 points).  And you were the “last man standing” in this last HOH (+5 points).  Plus you got a kiss in with Ashley, which the boys back at Tulane must have loved since they know by now that she used to be an S&M pornstar.  And you even scored $3,000 from Boogie (+5 points).  You said on the feeds though that you want to make enough money off this experience so you can take a semester off school and tour the “reality tv circuit” (-10 points).  Please don’t. You’d be risking your academic future for a game of STD Roulette.  OVERALL POINTS: +10

FRANK: Well, thank goodness CBS went and spent all that money going to your house and interviewing your family or else you’d have been a goner this week (+5 points).  CBS doesn’t invest chunks of cash like that unless they’re gonna keep you around for a bit. It’s interesting that your homegirl Julie Chen hasn’t addressed your body odor on the live show yet as it’s common knowledge that you do not use deodorant.  No “In one word, how would your housemates describe your scent?” or something to that effect. Hmmmm…  Good job calling Dan out on his “short”comings at the Coaches Challenge (+5 points), that was quite entertaining.  And kudos for sending Janelle into a tailspin on the feeds this week when you asked her about all the work she’s gotten done on her face. I’m actually glad you’re around just so we can have some brutal honesty around here.  In case my doses aren’t enough.   OVERALL POINTS: +10

JENN: Three weeks in this house and you’ve managed to host one POV competition (+5 points) and eat lots of food and basically have the time of your life.  There exists zero diary room of you because you are that inconsequential to the timeline of this summer (-5 points).  Luckily, you told Danielle all about your love for women so she is not out to get you as a potential suitor for Shane.  Your sexuality is coming in handy at last (+5 points).  I’m sure CBS is quite disappointed that you offer nothing to this season yet you raise their food bill week after week.  At least Kalia gave us material to work with making it easy to poke fun at her.  You are just a waste of BB14 space (-5 points).  But like I’ve said before, you will make it far but you will never win. And, hey, you did score $1K for doing absolutely nothing (+5 points). OVERALL POINTS: +5

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JANELLE:  Sunday’s televised show was the Janelle Show.  Congrats.  You’ve gotten everything you wanted out of this season so far, including a couple “oops my nipple” slips, and you are now in the game.  Congrats.  You said on the feeds that your husband would be so pissed with Frank flirting with you and some of the things he has said to you.  I think Frank is the least of your problems.  You are going into this week with most everyone less enamored with you, but I’m sure you will do everything you can to fight back to the top. Thought I’m not sure what else you have left to offer up in deals or dignity.  Like, Boogie, you are being awarded your team’s three-week average as points. CURRENT TOTAL POINTS: 103

JOE: You didn’t go home after all (-5 points).  Your screaming diary rooms (-5 points) and never washing your hands to cook/double-dip (-5 points) even after peeing and/or scratching your ass (-5 points) is disgusting yet an appropriate punishment for these HGs (+10 points) as they munch on your grimey cooking.  It was a joy to watch you pace in anxiety and hunger as a nominee and Have-Not (+5 points), thank you, and also seeing you fail miserably in the POV when you had just an hour before boasted you’d win (-5 points).   You’ve got zero game and your strategy blows and you’re gross for that “I swear on my kids, on my wife, on my life, on my mother” bullshit to Shane (-5 points).  And that “royal breakfast” of oily pancakes sprinkled with fresh dead skin cells from under your nails is proof positive that you will never be me.  Never. Cooking could have been a great strategy if only that wasn’t your only calling card.  OVERALL POINTS: -15

WIL: Oh you have a nasty mean girl streak in you that we never see on television but only through feeds (-5 points). But it only comes out when you are cornered like an injured rodent, which happens to all of us.  You got immunity out of Janelle after the Coaches Competition (+5 points) and sucked in the POV as the first one eliminated (-5 points) but you finally figured out what Janelle’s about (+5 points) but it remains to be seen what you do with it.  Your birthday celebration was entertaining and you managed to twist Janelle’s arm into taking a body shot of win from your belly button (+5 points).  Classy stuff.  Classy like how you pick at your head more often than all of the apes I’ve ever seen picking their heads on National Geophraphic. OVERALL POINTS: +5

ASHLEY: Although Janelle got all the credit on Sunday’s show, CBS failed to show us the convo that you and Shane had this week during which you pushed him to use the POV (+5 points). You and Ian both had a bigger role in this than you got credit for.  Plus, you lasted longest of all the losers in the POV (+5 points), getting down to you and Shane. I won’t even deduct points from you for crying about being on the block in the diary room…though I really want to. What I need to deduct points for is the fact that you swapped slippery spit with Boogie (-5 points).  Let this be a lesson to all the kids out there.  Just say no. OVERALL POINTS: +5

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DAN: I like the way you BB-think, but your screaming in the diary room is getting old, like, yesterday.  Your coaching on the sidelines might work on the football field, but it sucks in daily life and during competitions…and I can only imagine all the diary room sessions of HGs complaining about this very thing, that CBS is choosing not to show us.  What defines Dan besides coaching? Who are you? Is there more?  Is that really it?  Like Britney, with only one player left, you will adopt the same score Danielle has through these three weeks.  CURRENT TOTAL POINTS: 91

DANIELLE: I take back what I said last week about you being the Adam Poch of this season.  He never won an HOH, let alone an endurance HOH, you did (+10 points).  You maintained your self-control and did not throw yourself off your little ledge in pursuit of the 834th love of your life, Shane, when he fell off (+5 points).  Your obsession with Dan and Shane, married and gay respectively, is too much to be real (-5 points).  And the fact that this was your first sushi experience makes me dislike you more.  This week will be excruciatingly painful as you writhe in insecurity and hormones as HOH.  In anticipation of this inevitable pain we will all suffer through, I must punish you now (-10 points).  Your decisions will be based on what everyone, including the diary room, tells you to do…and whoever left your ear last (-5 points). Sigh.    OVERALL POINTS: +5

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

ASS FIRST, and in keeping with the spirit of the 2012 Olympic Games…

BEST FACES OF THE WEEK:

BRONZE Medal: BOOGIE (+5 points)

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In response to Joe’s “Be the President, Shane!” speech.

 

SILVER Medal: SHANE (+10 points)

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Has anyone actually counted how many pieces of pink Shane has in possession? Such flare! Heyyyyyyyyyy!

 

GOLD Medal: Britney (+15 points)

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Impersonating Joe here. It’s what she does best. Her eyes are really suited for it.

 

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And at the end of this third week of BB, I’m awarding 50 points for everyone making it to the “merge”:

IAN is still#1 but not by much! And Britney is the “best” coach in point tally. Oh, the irony.

 See what they can’t show you on TV – get the Big Brother 14 Live Feeds!

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 See what they can’t show you on TV – get the Big Brother 14 Live Feeds!

 

 

Comments

  • Eileen

    Oh Jun, you are a girl after my own heart! That piece you just wrote was SUPERB! You are my new writing hero. Work it out girl and tell it like it is. That’s why you’re a winner and why you should definitely return for the next BB Allstars! They got nothing on you garfren.

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      OMG I was beginning to think my snark was too much :)

  • http://twitter.com/MizJones602 Michelle Jones

    Not a BB13 Adam fan but he did win the final four HOH. Thus ensuring he’d stick around and beg to be dragged to Final 2.

    Otherwise, a bang up job as usual!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000175635622 Andrew Sloan

      True, but at that point there were only 2 people left in the HOH for adam to compete with (Porsche and Jordan) and he should’ve beat them. And that HOH is for a floater (or should I say “piggy-backer)” to win. One where you are guaranteed safety and your nominations don’t mean a thing.

      • http://twitter.com/MizJones602 Michelle Jones

        Agree 100%

        • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

          You’re both right. But I did mess up. I totally forgot he won an HOH. Hahahahahahahahaha!

  • Silvy_f1

    LOL… good points but Shane is gay?

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      I don’t think he’s come out to himself yet.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000175635622 Andrew Sloan

    This is hilarious! I love it!

    Ian needs to get a grip with how to talk strategy and the way he presents himself to the house.

    Wil is super catty and bitchy. Janelle saved her entire team, by herself, all 3 weeks. Wil does suck as a game player

    Britney is ridiculous and a terrible game player. Last night she told Danielle “I’m only loyal to you” in the storage room. Give me a break.

    Jenn does nothing.

    Dan’s already made to many mistakes this season

    Joe just needs to get the hell out of the house.

    Shane needs to come out of the closet already. 10.5 for kissing danielle, yet he wants nothing to do with her until she wins HOH

    Janelle just needs to win the whole damn show.

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      Nice recap of your own there :)

  • Peartist

    Ugh. You all really like this? This isn’t snark, it’s just mean girl trash. You must really miss your sorotity meow bitchfests of college. You’ll never be Dingo, that’s obvious.

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      I was never in a sorority.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=745421368 Gerri Curless

    you are snarky & bitchy & I LOVE it LOL – good job!

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      Thanks bitch :)

  • http://twitter.com/DeanoBrown2010 Dean Brown

    The annoying thing about Britney is… She SHOULD be good at this game!! She has an incredible skill of immediately sensing when someone is BS-ing and not talling the truth, yet instead of using that to her advantage she feels the need to tell EVERYONE in the house EVERYTHING she thinks!!

    But I totally agree with you about her impressions… Instead of having her in the game they should just have her on live shows on a Thursday to mock the other HGs!!

    I totally get your Shane-Gay thing now too!! Any time Danielle goes near him his eyes widen like a deer thats about to be shot or something!! And, after apolosing & hugging Frank for putting him on the block… HE SMACKED HIS ASS!! Go back and watch the video, thats not normal!!!! lol

    Ian’s “Taking the punishments so people will keep me around then they don’t have to take punishments” strategy was actually pretty smart!! Hope it pays off in the long run though.

    Joe made Shane breakfast on his FIRST morning of HOH… Then complained later int he week that he’s never gonna kiss his ass!! Too little too late you idiot!!

    You so know that one cross word from Shane this week to Danielle and he will be on the block and sent home. That woman is Grade-A Fatal Attraction material!!

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      And that breakfast was NASTY! Those pancakes were in that pan in an inch of oil. Ugh. Gross.

      • mimi

        how can you comment on freaking pancakes when you are NOT there……….you have NO idea what kind of chef Joe is or is not…………. I saw the show & the live feeds…….and you are the NASTY one…… and yes I am judging you just like you are judging Joe……..

        • mimi

          actually i think you are NASTY to all the BB HG’s & alot of what you say is really cruel hurtful & uncalled for. SAVE THE DRAMA FOR YOUR MAMA….

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000175635622 Andrew Sloan

            right back at ya…

          • mimi

            whatever that means…… I wasnt even talking to you

          • Sofa King Hilarious

            Jun’s having a laugh. Take the stick out of your ass, you hypocrite…

        • Tammi

          When someone doesn’t wash their hands after shitting, then preparing food when they agree to be on tv, they are fair friggin game!!!!! You must be Joes wife, because no one else could possibly defend this lame one

  • moveover

    RE: Frank … On Thursday’s show, we saw Frank’s family and then listened to Frank talk about how he wants to get out of the shadow of his father and be his “own man”. Really, Frank, really? Frank, you can start by taking a good realistic look in the mirror! Start by getting rid of the stupid CarrotTop hairdoo that went out 30+ years ago.(If I have to watch him turn his two forefingers around and brush his little curls out ofhis eyes once more, I’m going to throw up!) Oh, and the baseball cap sitting up on top ain’t helping the look any. Also, take a look around you …. REAL men don’t fart in front of women or even worse, fart ON them and then laugh like a hyena over it. And, I ‘ve never heard any real men saying stupid, immature things like “PREESH!” You may be 28 chronologically, but you remind more of the 6th and 7th graders I left behind many years ago.

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      Ha. You have studied Frank! :) I agree. He’s 28 and acts like a kid…like a lot of men :)

  • moveover

    By the way, June, love your review each week. (almost as much as the show itself!) Keep up the good work.

  • Realist

    Jun? seriously, your commenting like your the best player in the game. In fact, you won by floating with around your ex-boyfriend. Shut up and have someone else rank these player ( Dick Donato or Dr. Will). Bitch

  • http://twitter.com/TeamNzinga Nzinga Brooks

    By my calculations, Ian’s point total for this week should be -5 not +10 (-5, -5, +5, +5, +5, -10). Am I missing something?

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      I think someone mentioned this to me on Twitter. I’ll amend next week :)

  • Gaborrr

    No Reverse Cowgirl? :( Did Carmen do Shane’s nails in that pretty pink color he loves? OMG Ashley as the new Geisha Girl?? Totally on my Dreamboard!!! Imagine Sid Vicious taking on the Hantz Clan in a No Holds Bar Stench attack bout..my Dreamboard just overflowed!!! :D Don’t you think David Lee Rothen has the best legs? Was the bird shit in the HOH comp a shot at Boogie’s dreams about Ian? Did you see how Britney’s eyes straightened out as she impersonated Joe??

    Love you Jun and lil Noah is just too adorable!!! :D

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      Hahahahaha…Sid Vicious Family and Hantz Family tag team match!

  • Wildinvegas

    i liked the concept of Juns aritcals, and her appearances on vid shows. she was a great player and i enjoy a look from someone whos been in the game. “this was a good move, this was bad…” etc etc, all in a fun way.
    but this one… this gives the feeling that Jun thinks every single player in the game is a disgusting human being, pounding it in with a hammer. Ick! whats goin on with Jun? I hope shes ok

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      Oh come on. If you take my blogs and vids and tweets, etc…it’s not fair to say I think they’re all disgusting human beings. Do you really mean that?

      • Wildinvegas

        ummm…. WELLL!! .. lol ok, i guess not. my bad, i take it back. Just checking, glad we could clear that up.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000175635622 Andrew Sloan

      Because all the newbies suck. Let me explain:

      Shane: using Danielle, had no real feelings for her, yet he’ll lead her on. All the gay stuff is just fun and games, but hey all the signs point that this may be a possibility

      Frank: Good player, but he aligned himself with Boogie. Bad Move

      Ian: The underdog, yet he is an attention seeking whore, streaking around the house, kicking himself in the face, taking slop. He also has no game- Ian and Brit convo about the shane’s safety

      Jenn: Does ABSOLUTELY nothing

      Joe: So friggen annoying with his diary room and his game is pathetic

      Ashley: She an idiot, but soooo funny. She also has no game and said herself she plans to be a floater

      Wil: Catty and ungrateful. Janelle did A LOT for him, and his ego got in the way of accepting Janelle saved him.

      Danielle: She proved she is a physical competitor but she is so wrapped around the Shane showmance and is always talking crap about Janelle with Britney. She is also very bitchy.

      Now for the coaches…

      Britney: Doesn’t know when to shut her mouth and her gameplay is so transparent.

      Dan: Has already made too many mistakes this season. He’s not the Dan from BB10, that’s for sure.

      Boogie: His past history of sleeping with old men keeps me from making any further comment about him

      Janelle: The only one here to play the friggen game. Every single thing she does is strategic, but the bitchiness of the house make her a constant target

      So case in point… most these people are “disgusting” players

  • http://twitter.com/trevwoh Trevwoh

    Get your shit together, yeah adam was the worst bb player EVER but he did win an HOH

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      That’s true. My bad. He did win one at the end. Why do you have to be so hateful every week if you’re going to read all my blogs? You don’t even know why you hate me so much do you? You love me. Admit it.

  • @kcsmum

    Hilarious. As always, way more entertaining than the game itself. Good job.

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      I think this will be my last summer though…

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=570605532 Matt Barter

        Sad face!

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000175635622 Andrew Sloan

        Noooooo! I look forward to this every week!

  • GOOK!!

    I think your annoying for attacking the players every week. Your a annoying gook and need to get a life. Go analyze the biggest loser or something because your whore ass needs to get a life

  • Shoreline Frank

    Ah Jun, you crack me up! Keep up that score card dissing love it. One thing to add at this point to Danielles: She should have put up the two people who fell off the plank first: Boogie and Jenn. Minus 10. Hahah.

  • Wildinvegas

    about Joe washing his hands…
    .. I was thinking about when i was once worked in a resteraunt, i washed my hands in the kitchen area so i can lather up good and found it disgusting to touch the knobs in the bathroom, and the 3-4 doors i had to go through to get back to the kitchen area. kitchen knobs i can bang on with my wrist, i was now freshly clean and eventually it became a habit. Stuped i know… but are we sure Joes not doing the same? i never really payed that close attention, and find it rather odd a ‘chef’ would know better. Since no one has gotten ill yet, can we safely assume he’s not wiping his ass with his bare hands!?

  • Larry Daley

    Yeah, Jun, this “coaches entering the game” twist was a pretty obvious charade. I’ll bet it was originally designed to buy some time for the vets which would ultimately increase the ratings.

    Am I sensing a little cattiness between you and Julie? I guess this shoots down my fantasy of see the both of you pillow fighting in a Girls Gone Wild video. Now I’m thinking pay-per-view mud wrestling…

    What was with Britney’s play this week? She actually plans a clever scheme to blame Ian for Frank’s backdooring, and then she actually goes out and sells it to Boogie. Now that’s planning ahead.

    And now that the stage is set, I wonder who Danielle will backdoor, Boogie or Janelle? My guess is Boogie. BB needs to throw in a phone-a-friend twist so he can call Will for some advice.

  • Taylor V

    Great stuff! love it!

  • Taylor V

    Great stuff! love it!

  • Tammi

    Jun, just found this website and read your post and I have to say…..YOU ROCK! I laughed and spit water out my nose. It hurt, but I still laughed more. You have some talent for writing, even if that talent is bashing hgs….lets face it….we gotta get entertainment where we can, right? YOU GO GIRL!