So much for “Expect the Unexpected.”
The coaches are in, after a drawn-out process of gasps and wide-eyed buzzer pushing, as we all expected. I’d much rather CBS tell us “Hope you all had fun voting, now let’s bring these coaches into the game,” but no. Julie Chen, who seemed to be wearing a yellow Kipling-bag-turned-dress, read her cue cards and teleprompter and carried on the charades. Charming.
And that’s all the attention I’ll give to that bullshit America’s Vote. Onto the Power Rankings:
BRITNEY: So you’re in the game now. The only thing you’re worse at than coaching is actually playing the game. Oh, and you have no real influence on anyone but people like Danielle. You sucked so bad at the Coaches Competition it implied you are as lazy in bed as you are in BB and you-on-top is not a frequent occurrence, let alone expecting any reverse cowgirl action from you. Clearly you prefer to be on your back, which worked to your advantage in the HOH Endurance Comp where you kept your back glued to the wall for the duration. Beginning next week I will be tallying up your points as well, but for now I’m just awarding you the same amount of points Shane’s got. CURRENT TOTAL POINTS: 151
SHANE: According to CBS, you’ve been “winning over the ladies” when we weren’t looking. They should really make up their minds because they kept panning over to you several times while Jenn was telling everyone her coming out story. I noticed, did you notice? Congrats on winning yet another POV (+5 points) making it your third and clean sweep of POVS this season thus far (+10 points). I’m sure Carmen Electra congratulated you as you slept, as she is a frequent figure in your dreams apparently (-5 points). Seriously? Did you pull her out of “Acting Straight For Dummies” circa 2000? Get thee a newer edition. Although you work so hard to gain power, you continue to be gullible and so very easy to manipulate (-5 points) and it shows in your decision-making. But you are patient, and your patience with Danielle and her dryhump-harassment of you has paid off as she is HOH and you are the least of her targets (+5 points). OVERALL POINTS: +10
BOOGIE: You are the only one of the four coaches who did not jizz on-camera pushing Julie’s “button” in the diary room. I was shocked at first and then quickly realized you didn’t push it knowing the other three coaches would push it. Or, because you came in a “winner”, you were already setting up your “I never wanted to come in, you’ll see I never pushed that button” scenario for when you lose. The slight advantage you do have over the other coaches, though, is that you’ve only been “kind” to your “team” so you may have some protection going into the game. For now, as I did with Britney, I’m awarding you your team’s overall three-week average as points entering the game. Oh, and I do pity the fool back home that lost the bet…the bet that you wouldn’t get tongue this season. I’m sure you made a nice chunk of change thanks to Ashley offering up her heavy dreamboard tongue to you. CURRENT TOTAL POINTS: 136
IAN: You streaked again (-5 points) except this time there was an additional three weeks of hair growth in your crack to disgust us (-5 points). I told you never to do that shit again. You didn’t listen. But you did volunteer for Have-Not again, taking the brunt off one of the brat HGs and Britney’s decision-making (+5 points). And you were the “last man standing” in this last HOH (+5 points). Plus you got a kiss in with Ashley, which the boys back at Tulane must have loved since they know by now that she used to be an S&M pornstar. And you even scored $3,000 from Boogie (+5 points). You said on the feeds though that you want to make enough money off this experience so you can take a semester off school and tour the “reality tv circuit” (-10 points). Please don’t. You’d be risking your academic future for a game of STD Roulette. OVERALL POINTS: +10
FRANK: Well, thank goodness CBS went and spent all that money going to your house and interviewing your family or else you’d have been a goner this week (+5 points). CBS doesn’t invest chunks of cash like that unless they’re gonna keep you around for a bit. It’s interesting that your homegirl Julie Chen hasn’t addressed your body odor on the live show yet as it’s common knowledge that you do not use deodorant. No “In one word, how would your housemates describe your scent?” or something to that effect. Hmmmm… Good job calling Dan out on his “short”comings at the Coaches Challenge (+5 points), that was quite entertaining. And kudos for sending Janelle into a tailspin on the feeds this week when you asked her about all the work she’s gotten done on her face. I’m actually glad you’re around just so we can have some brutal honesty around here. In case my doses aren’t enough. OVERALL POINTS: +10
JENN: Three weeks in this house and you’ve managed to host one POV competition (+5 points) and eat lots of food and basically have the time of your life. There exists zero diary room of you because you are that inconsequential to the timeline of this summer (-5 points). Luckily, you told Danielle all about your love for women so she is not out to get you as a potential suitor for Shane. Your sexuality is coming in handy at last (+5 points). I’m sure CBS is quite disappointed that you offer nothing to this season yet you raise their food bill week after week. At least Kalia gave us material to work with making it easy to poke fun at her. You are just a waste of BB14 space (-5 points). But like I’ve said before, you will make it far but you will never win. And, hey, you did score $1K for doing absolutely nothing (+5 points). OVERALL POINTS: +5
JANELLE: Sunday’s televised show was the Janelle Show. Congrats. You’ve gotten everything you wanted out of this season so far, including a couple “oops my nipple” slips, and you are now in the game. Congrats. You said on the feeds that your husband would be so pissed with Frank flirting with you and some of the things he has said to you. I think Frank is the least of your problems. You are going into this week with most everyone less enamored with you, but I’m sure you will do everything you can to fight back to the top. Thought I’m not sure what else you have left to offer up in deals or dignity. Like, Boogie, you are being awarded your team’s three-week average as points. CURRENT TOTAL POINTS: 103
JOE: You didn’t go home after all (-5 points). Your screaming diary rooms (-5 points) and never washing your hands to cook/double-dip (-5 points) even after peeing and/or scratching your ass (-5 points) is disgusting yet an appropriate punishment for these HGs (+10 points) as they munch on your grimey cooking. It was a joy to watch you pace in anxiety and hunger as a nominee and Have-Not (+5 points), thank you, and also seeing you fail miserably in the POV when you had just an hour before boasted you’d win (-5 points). You’ve got zero game and your strategy blows and you’re gross for that “I swear on my kids, on my wife, on my life, on my mother” bullshit to Shane (-5 points). And that “royal breakfast” of oily pancakes sprinkled with fresh dead skin cells from under your nails is proof positive that you will never be me. Never. Cooking could have been a great strategy if only that wasn’t your only calling card. OVERALL POINTS: -15
WIL: Oh you have a nasty mean girl streak in you that we never see on television but only through feeds (-5 points). But it only comes out when you are cornered like an injured rodent, which happens to all of us. You got immunity out of Janelle after the Coaches Competition (+5 points) and sucked in the POV as the first one eliminated (-5 points) but you finally figured out what Janelle’s about (+5 points) but it remains to be seen what you do with it. Your birthday celebration was entertaining and you managed to twist Janelle’s arm into taking a body shot of win from your belly button (+5 points). Classy stuff. Classy like how you pick at your head more often than all of the apes I’ve ever seen picking their heads on National Geophraphic. OVERALL POINTS: +5
ASHLEY: Although Janelle got all the credit on Sunday’s show, CBS failed to show us the convo that you and Shane had this week during which you pushed him to use the POV (+5 points). You and Ian both had a bigger role in this than you got credit for. Plus, you lasted longest of all the losers in the POV (+5 points), getting down to you and Shane. I won’t even deduct points from you for crying about being on the block in the diary room…though I really want to. What I need to deduct points for is the fact that you swapped slippery spit with Boogie (-5 points). Let this be a lesson to all the kids out there. Just say no. OVERALL POINTS: +5
DAN: I like the way you BB-think, but your screaming in the diary room is getting old, like, yesterday. Your coaching on the sidelines might work on the football field, but it sucks in daily life and during competitions…and I can only imagine all the diary room sessions of HGs complaining about this very thing, that CBS is choosing not to show us. What defines Dan besides coaching? Who are you? Is there more? Is that really it? Like Britney, with only one player left, you will adopt the same score Danielle has through these three weeks. CURRENT TOTAL POINTS: 91
DANIELLE: I take back what I said last week about you being the Adam Poch of this season. He never won an HOH, let alone an endurance HOH, you did (+10 points). You maintained your self-control and did not throw yourself off your little ledge in pursuit of the 834th love of your life, Shane, when he fell off (+5 points). Your obsession with Dan and Shane, married and gay respectively, is too much to be real (-5 points). And the fact that this was your first sushi experience makes me dislike you more. This week will be excruciatingly painful as you writhe in insecurity and hormones as HOH. In anticipation of this inevitable pain we will all suffer through, I must punish you now (-10 points). Your decisions will be based on what everyone, including the diary room, tells you to do…and whoever left your ear last (-5 points). Sigh. OVERALL POINTS: +5
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
ASS FIRST, and in keeping with the spirit of the 2012 Olympic Games…
BEST FACES OF THE WEEK:
BRONZE Medal: BOOGIE (+5 points)
In response to Joe’s “Be the President, Shane!” speech.
SILVER Medal: SHANE (+10 points)
Has anyone actually counted how many pieces of pink Shane has in possession? Such flare! Heyyyyyyyyyy!
GOLD Medal: Britney (+15 points)
Impersonating Joe here. It’s what she does best. Her eyes are really suited for it.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
And at the end of this third week of BB, I’m awarding 50 points for everyone making it to the “merge”:
IAN is still#1 but not by much! And Britney is the “best” coach in point tally. Oh, the irony.
See what they can’t show you on TV – get the Big Brother 14 Live Feeds!
See what they can’t show you on TV – get the Big Brother 14 Live Feeds!