BB14 Power Rankings: Week Two

Jun Song has thoughts about the season that are eerily similar to Dr. Will's!

BB14 Power Rankings: Week Two

It’s getting increasingly difficult to follow this season without too many complaints.  The cast as it is without the coaches, to say the least, is weak.  And even the coaches, who haven’t changed much, are getting repetitively overkill in their behaviors in both what is televised to us and on the feeds.

Thankfully, Dr. Will said yes to the right amount CBS offered him and provided us some good old fashioned Big Brother insight to salvage the live show.  I will get to some of the things he said, later.  It seems he and I agree on many things.

I’d love to know how he feels about the coaches coming into the game, because I mean really we all know there is as much fake weight in America’s Vote as there is in Janelle’s breast. She even told us so on the feeds that her implants weigh just under nine pounds.

And so the coaches will come in and they will solve the Willie problem in his early departure, and we will most likely see a double eviction too this summer.  Ho hum.

If this is what America wants, then this is what America gets.  Who am I to put America down for driving CBS to such predictable and scripted twists?

So onto the Power Rankings:

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BRITNEY’S TEAM: Dr. Will said about you, “If your players are getting evicted for violence, you’re doing a terrible job coaching.”  End of Story.  You can add to the middle of this story what you want, but this is the end of the story for sure.  You had good points for JoJo but your delivery and whine-shriek voice makes it impossible to take you seriously for more than 23 seconds.  Your impersonation of JoJo’s “I know I know” was fantastic, but that was just about the highlight of your Big Brother career this week.  But on to what’s left of your team:

SHANE: I think the biggest question on my mind and others’ minds, too, is: Did your niece really give you that puka necklace to wear? Because that’s the rumor right now, and also, there’s a rumor that you’re straight.  You have been fighting your little booty off in competitions, taking yet another POV (+5 points) and HOH (+10 points) with the downside being you have had no choice but to fight so hard (-5 points).  It was cute seeing you channel your inner Jeff Probst in that blue wanna-be-rugged button-down shirt on the live show.  And it was good to see you throw JoJo a vote so she wasn’t evicted unanimously (+5 points).   OVERALL POINTS: +15

WILLIE: Seriously dude? You came in charging, then lost your damn Froot Loops mind only to have Janelle make you her Have Not biatch leading to having the entire house, including your coach, against you and you buckled big time.  You nearly made Joe lose his eyeballs they were popping out so far during the confrontation, and gave CBS the green light to boot you.  And once booted, you went and got arrested for “Operating While Intoxicated” and well, you fail.    OVERALL POINTS: FAIL

JOJO: I actually wanted you to stay just in case you gave us some additional drama.  But you turned out to be all bark and weird overbite.  The best moment of your eviction was when you shook Julie’s hand and wouldn’t let go so she had to turn to her cued camera while still holding your hand and hating you for nearly making her lose her cue.   Thanks.  OVERALL POINTS: FAIL

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BOOGIE’S TEAM: According to Dr. Will, you’re actually Ian trapped in a tired and battered 40-something year old body.  I couldn’t agree more.  I hope in 20 years Ian is not you, now. Although hopefully Ian’s sex life is not a lab specimen like yours is by the time he’s your age.  But on to your team:

IAN: You actually had the highest points at 9 in the HOH competition until Shane scored a 20. You’ve been my number one pick since before the season started (+5 points) and I find it uncanny that Dr. Will has his money on you too (+5 points).  And it seems that “creeper” stigma that the mean girls tried to attach to you has faded away. Good job (+5 points).  Keep an eye on Boogie’s wandering hands when he’s around you, but stick close to him once the coaches come in, so you have come protection.   OVERALL POINTS: +15

FRANK: Your love affair with Boogie and Julie Chen is the most disturbing love triangle since Jessie and Lydia/Natalie happened. Make it stop (-5 points). Julie Chen is your homegirl as much as Mary Kay is 2012.  And you’re a target in the house no matter what, but thinking Janelle and her three will have your back is ridiculous and well, I expect more from you as a super fan. Dr. Will referred to you as a “bigger better faster Chilltown member” but I think he gives you too much credit.  For having watched Janelle now for two seasons you should know she is an HOH BFF week-to-week (-5 points).   But I applaud you for not going with Boogie’s idea and backdooring Shane (+5 points). No need to complicate things further if you can help it, really. With all those near-death experiences you told us about over the feeds, I’d say this summer is pretty much summer camp for you?  OVERALL POINTS: -5

JENN: By the time the HGs realize you’re actually in the game, and not just around as a tattooed rocker lesbian novelty, you will have made it pretty far (+5 points).  You are neither here nor there, and not doing anything noteworthy in the game, plus you sucked at the HOH competition (-5 points) but you are less of a threat than both your other team members (+5 points).  I had higher hopes for you but like JoJo, you have turned out to be a flat choice for a typecast (-5 points).  But thanks for actually going into the diary room and casting your vote to evict the right way…quickly and clearly and you got the hell out of there (+5 points) OVERALL POINTS: +5

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JANELLE’S TEAM: I said last week about you, “something’s missing for me when I watch you for the third time.”  Dr. Will said about you, “If Janelle wins this show, she will have redeemed her previous two losses. If she loses, however, she’s just a three-time loser.”  You are definitely a third-time something right now and I hope this summer is everything you ever wanted it to be.  And “floater” is not a dirty word, in fact, you should embrace it as that’s what you do every week depending on which direction the HOH has drifted in the BB current.  Onto your team:   

JOE: I don’t blame you for throwing a “You’re the only pussy I see bro” at Willie as they are just words and you had every right to call him a pussy back (+5 points).  But I do think those “four headbutts” you said you received over the the feeds was more like one wannabe headbutt that CBS chose to show us four times on the live show. Holy exaggeration.  Dude, you’re not as great for television as you think you are, and your weird landing-strip-of-a-goatee has more potential to return to television than you do (-5 points).  Granted, I’m sure you are a perfectly nice guy outside of Big Brother and hey, you love your family enough to swear on your kids lives (-5 points) when you told JoJo on the feeds that you’d vote to keep her in the house. Like I said last week, you are no Shelly.  You and your icky never-washing-your-hands-before-you-cook (-5 points) and your blue chef’s jacket should have followed Willie out.  OVERALL POINTS: -10

WIL: You’ve been playing one of the more steady games this season (+5 points) and have settled into being Janelle’s pet quite well.  This may hurt you this week, however, so I recommend you try to play your own game little Velveteen bunny.  Your “look” continues to shake all my senses (-5 points), and I have to say you are up there with Julie week-to-week in the “WTF is going on with the hair and wardrobe?!” choices.  You smacked the shit out of that poor ball during the HOH competition (+5 points) for no good reason, as this challenge was hardly about brute strength. I’m hoping to see you on the block this week just to see how you handle it.  OVERALL POINTS: +5

ASHLEY: You are a hot mess and a half and then some at this point…crying and medicating yourself into a heavy-eyed state. But clearly nobody thinks of you as a threat (+5 points).   You scored only four points in the HOH competition, but somehow you weren’t the worst of all the HGs to play (+5 points) and in fact, I’m sure that wasn’t the first or last hockey stick you will ever grip for a chance at power. Btw, good for you for hiding in the toilet during the Willie-Joe Makeout Session (+5 points) and emerging once everything died down with that permanent “What happened” look on your face. And speaking of your face, you and Janelle are hanging out so much your noses are starting to look alike.  Brava.   OVERALL POINTS: +15

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DAN’S TEAM: I didn’t even know Kermit could HAVE babies, but apparently he and Ryan Seacrest are your daddies, according to Dr. Will.   Like me, Dr. Will also called you out on picking “a lot of hot ass” to be on your team.  And you continue the closest thing to this season’s showmance, with Danielle.  Dude, she is going to stalk you for the rest of her life.  Your wife will kick your ass.  But on to what’s left of your team:

DANIELLE: So you are basically the Adam Poch of this season, most likely to get to 3rd place for all the wrong reasons (-5 points).  Your crying and whining and willingness to die before you roll over is just as bad as Britney’s (-5 points) and it’s too bad she isn’t your mentor for you two would have surely fallen into a state of depression and both left the house on stretchers.  It’s too bad, really.  Your need for love and attention is translating to a need for a punch in your mouth at this point and even on the feeds it is hard not to want to throw a vase when you pop up on the screen.  And the fact that in 2012 you have to ask such questions as “how do lesbians have sex” to the resident lesbian Jenn, is preposterous (-5 points).  Between that and Dan’s explanations of his structured sex life, this season may be the season my BB erection never meets its potential and remains flaccid.  OVERALL POINTS: -15

My goodness, did I wake up on the wrong side of the BB season this morning:

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ASS FIRST, a few notable mentions:

BEST IMPERSONATION OF AN ASIAN MAN: DR. WILL

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I had no idea Dr. Will was down with us like that! He looked downright Asian on television last night!  Julie is looking more Caucasian every year and it seems Dr. Will is taking on more Asian features! Go figure.

 

BEST IMPERSONATION OF THE INSIDE OF A GIFT BOX: DANIELLE (-5 points)

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Seriously.   I know Danielle used to work at Kay Jewelers (every kiss begins with kay?) and all, but she really did look like the inside one of those little jewelry boxes they wrap their stuff in. Oy.

 

BEST IMPERSONATION OF A HUG: JANELLE

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Wow Janelle, looking in the mirror much lately? I haven’t seen such a bad case of “I’m looking at me” since Ali BB4 and then Rachel BBForLife.  I’m sure production is working on an endurance competition revolving around holding stares in mirrors.

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And at the end of this third week of BB:

IAN is still#1! And it looks like Boogie’s team is still faring the best after three weeks!

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Comments

  • Caitlin

    Love the power rankings jun! Ian’s my favorite too

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      Fun huh?! :)

  • http://twitter.com/spicypants Spicy

    So. Effing. Hysterical. I laughed my ass off!!

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      But did you check my math?! OMG. Hahahaha! I have to get better at making sure my numbers add up!

  • Guest

    You should check your points for Shane…it should add up to 15 not 10.

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      Will check it out! Thanks!

  • http://twitter.com/branden628 Branden B

    Hahhahaha. Love it.

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      I get to be as biased as I want hahahaha. You, meanwhile, are a real journalist and must maintain a level of professionalism. Together, we are a Reality Nation power couple! :)

  • http://twitter.com/MarluvsBB Marie T. Hudson

    I thought Danielle looked like she was dressed for a wedding or prom. Def the wrong venue!

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      I was so confused! I thought we were going to finally have our Brenchel wedding! HA!

  • http://twitter.com/trevwoh Trevwoh

    Would be funny to see Jun play with Will.. can already tell she would be right up that ass! Definitely completely disagree about Danielle. She has game and you will find that out later.

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      Are you Auggie?! Amazing how much hate you spew at me on Twitter yet you come back to read my blogs! Thanks so much!

  • Auggie

    Fuck Dr. Plastic Kirby and fuck you too. You floated yourself to a win that Allison should have rightfully gotten, which is why Big Brother and the majority of BB alum have no respect for you. Your life revolves around Twitter and the internet and you must be soooo envious of those who have wonderful, adventurous lives.

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      Oh wow Auggie. You need to step out of that hateful little bubble you’ve trapped yourself in. Let me know if you need help. I’m great at bursting bubbles!

  • http://twitter.com/divajessara Jess

    Awesome, Love your power rankings and read them every week. Daniele, I must say almost falling over when standing last night made me LOL and being dressed like she is ready to go to the horse races only made me laugh harder.

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      Danielle is a hot hot mess! And is useless to us…but a swing vote in the house. Sigh.

      • guest 23

        come on, not trying to bash you here but doing this danielle? you have absolutely no class. how on earth is she a “hot mess”, shes classy and gorgeous, so what if her dress wasnt your style! who cares she’s a sweet girl, and what do you mean by shes useless to “us”? last time i checked you were not in bb house anymore! just because her team mates got voted off doesnt make her any less of a competitor than all the other hg’s that havent won yet.

  • Gaborrr

    No I think Janelle’s Breasts are way more real Haha I love Britney’s eyes..I’m still watching BB14 to see what they’ll do next!! +5 points to Shane for looking like the young Tom Cruise before Scientology! Is it just me or wouldn’t Willie coming back in a Pandora’s Box scare the shit out of everyone?? Isn’t Boogie with Ian like the creepy camp counselor and boyscout in that one SNL sketch? Shouldn’t Ian have dropped his towel in order to stop the ‘fight’ between Joe and Russel??

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      The only way Willie will come back is if they have a BB Mugshot Edition! Hahaha! :)

  • http://twitter.com/mathiasmiles Mathias Miles

    Ashley’s numbers don’t add up either. Jun bad at math? That’s a first.

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      Oh you’re right! Will have to amend next week :)

  • Ricky McGillicutty

    You are absolutely right, the rest of the non-coach cast is pretty “weak.” Since I don’t get the live feed, I haven’t seen or heard much from Ashley, Jenn or Wil. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that being quiet isn’t all part of their game and that eventually one or two of them will come out of their shells.

    The thing that impressed me the most about Dr. Will was the way he would sit in the DR and tell us how he was going to manipulate the other guests, not how he had just done it, but how he was going to do, and then he would go out and actually do it. Almost every week, my wife would whine about how arrogant he was and how she couldn’t stand him, and I kept telling her to look at what he is doing (we had similar arguments about Deion Sanders too (great athlete)) (I wrote this off to: women!?!?). Okay, enough with the drooling. My point is I can see some of the same characteristics in Frank, and this is why he has become my number one choice. People seem to want to listen and trust him. And because of this, I think he’ll talk Shane into taking out one of Janelle’s players. This will be perfect for him too, because Janelle will probably overlook her real threat and then go after Shane. Bwahahahaha!!!

    • http://twitter.com/JunDishes Jun Song

      Yes, you’re right Frank is Dr. Will-esque…but there is only one Dr. Will :)

  • Jay

    I… I don’t want to know what Boogie’s “come protection” is.

  • guest 23

    you really judge Danielle don’t you, i bet she is a really nice girl but your to self centered to think that everyone is different, she may not be perfect and she wines a lot but at least she doesn’t talk bad about people like will.

  • http://twitter.com/DeanoBrown2010 Dean Brown

    OMGGGGGGGGGGG whyyyyy has Dr Will decided to become a walking advertisement AGAINST plastic surgery??!! His face is terrifying!!

    If I were Ian & Jen I’d have a little chat about breaking from your group, because it’s pretty clear to everyone with eyes that Boogie is looking at Frank as his ticket to $100,000, and couldn’t care less about Jen or Ian!!

    And Joe with the “headbutt”!! You can tell if he’s ever on the block his eviciton speech will be “Hey guys, we’ve played a great game but remember, I was headbutted by Willie… Vote to save me”!! At least he has something we can remember him by instead of just for his awful over-acting!!

    Also LOVE That your twitter haters are making their way to your blogs too!! It must be so hard for you Jun when people ‘Hate’ you so much they have to read EVERYTHING you ever write and comment on it all just to get a response!! haha

    I’m totally on Team Ian with you right now :)

  • Diandra

    Janelle is my all time favourite big brother player, but something about not having her fight is kind of boring. I agree there is something off about her this year. I think it’s because we aren’t used to seeing her float around. That being said her social game has dramatically improved. There is no reason for Britney to be a coach. She was a terrible player in her season who clung to guys to get far and it looked like that was her strategy again this season.

    Ashley is my favourite because of how much she has everyone in that house fooled.

    I sincerely hope that next season is all newbies, because as much as I loooooove former bb players, they really aren’t as fun.

    Should be all stars or nothing, because as far as I am concerned there is no one memorable to make an all stars season between last years newbies and these ones (so far)

  • http://twitter.com/starryeyed47 Meredith Wemhoff

    what’s this structured sex life of dan’s you referenced??? i’m interested in finding out more about this. love you momma!