It’s getting increasingly difficult to follow this season without too many complaints. The cast as it is without the coaches, to say the least, is weak. And even the coaches, who haven’t changed much, are getting repetitively overkill in their behaviors in both what is televised to us and on the feeds.
Thankfully, Dr. Will said yes to the right amount CBS offered him and provided us some good old fashioned Big Brother insight to salvage the live show. I will get to some of the things he said, later. It seems he and I agree on many things.
I’d love to know how he feels about the coaches coming into the game, because I mean really we all know there is as much fake weight in America’s Vote as there is in Janelle’s breast. She even told us so on the feeds that her implants weigh just under nine pounds.
And so the coaches will come in and they will solve the Willie problem in his early departure, and we will most likely see a double eviction too this summer. Ho hum.
If this is what America wants, then this is what America gets. Who am I to put America down for driving CBS to such predictable and scripted twists?
So onto the Power Rankings:
BRITNEY’S TEAM: Dr. Will said about you, “If your players are getting evicted for violence, you’re doing a terrible job coaching.” End of Story. You can add to the middle of this story what you want, but this is the end of the story for sure. You had good points for JoJo but your delivery and whine-shriek voice makes it impossible to take you seriously for more than 23 seconds. Your impersonation of JoJo’s “I know I know” was fantastic, but that was just about the highlight of your Big Brother career this week. But on to what’s left of your team:
SHANE: I think the biggest question on my mind and others’ minds, too, is: Did your niece really give you that puka necklace to wear? Because that’s the rumor right now, and also, there’s a rumor that you’re straight. You have been fighting your little booty off in competitions, taking yet another POV (+5 points) and HOH (+10 points) with the downside being you have had no choice but to fight so hard (-5 points). It was cute seeing you channel your inner Jeff Probst in that blue wanna-be-rugged button-down shirt on the live show. And it was good to see you throw JoJo a vote so she wasn’t evicted unanimously (+5 points). OVERALL POINTS: +15
WILLIE: Seriously dude? You came in charging, then lost your damn Froot Loops mind only to have Janelle make you her Have Not biatch leading to having the entire house, including your coach, against you and you buckled big time. You nearly made Joe lose his eyeballs they were popping out so far during the confrontation, and gave CBS the green light to boot you. And once booted, you went and got arrested for “Operating While Intoxicated” and well, you fail. OVERALL POINTS: FAIL
JOJO: I actually wanted you to stay just in case you gave us some additional drama. But you turned out to be all bark and weird overbite. The best moment of your eviction was when you shook Julie’s hand and wouldn’t let go so she had to turn to her cued camera while still holding your hand and hating you for nearly making her lose her cue. Thanks. OVERALL POINTS: FAIL
BOOGIE’S TEAM: According to Dr. Will, you’re actually Ian trapped in a tired and battered 40-something year old body. I couldn’t agree more. I hope in 20 years Ian is not you, now. Although hopefully Ian’s sex life is not a lab specimen like yours is by the time he’s your age. But on to your team:
IAN: You actually had the highest points at 9 in the HOH competition until Shane scored a 20. You’ve been my number one pick since before the season started (+5 points) and I find it uncanny that Dr. Will has his money on you too (+5 points). And it seems that “creeper” stigma that the mean girls tried to attach to you has faded away. Good job (+5 points). Keep an eye on Boogie’s wandering hands when he’s around you, but stick close to him once the coaches come in, so you have come protection. OVERALL POINTS: +15
FRANK: Your love affair with Boogie and Julie Chen is the most disturbing love triangle since Jessie and Lydia/Natalie happened. Make it stop (-5 points). Julie Chen is your homegirl as much as Mary Kay is 2012. And you’re a target in the house no matter what, but thinking Janelle and her three will have your back is ridiculous and well, I expect more from you as a super fan. Dr. Will referred to you as a “bigger better faster Chilltown member” but I think he gives you too much credit. For having watched Janelle now for two seasons you should know she is an HOH BFF week-to-week (-5 points). But I applaud you for not going with Boogie’s idea and backdooring Shane (+5 points). No need to complicate things further if you can help it, really. With all those near-death experiences you told us about over the feeds, I’d say this summer is pretty much summer camp for you? OVERALL POINTS: -5
JENN: By the time the HGs realize you’re actually in the game, and not just around as a tattooed rocker lesbian novelty, you will have made it pretty far (+5 points). You are neither here nor there, and not doing anything noteworthy in the game, plus you sucked at the HOH competition (-5 points) but you are less of a threat than both your other team members (+5 points). I had higher hopes for you but like JoJo, you have turned out to be a flat choice for a typecast (-5 points). But thanks for actually going into the diary room and casting your vote to evict the right way…quickly and clearly and you got the hell out of there (+5 points) OVERALL POINTS: +5
JANELLE’S TEAM: I said last week about you, “something’s missing for me when I watch you for the third time.” Dr. Will said about you, “If Janelle wins this show, she will have redeemed her previous two losses. If she loses, however, she’s just a three-time loser.” You are definitely a third-time something right now and I hope this summer is everything you ever wanted it to be. And “floater” is not a dirty word, in fact, you should embrace it as that’s what you do every week depending on which direction the HOH has drifted in the BB current. Onto your team:
JOE: I don’t blame you for throwing a “You’re the only pussy I see bro” at Willie as they are just words and you had every right to call him a pussy back (+5 points). But I do think those “four headbutts” you said you received over the the feeds was more like one wannabe headbutt that CBS chose to show us four times on the live show. Holy exaggeration. Dude, you’re not as great for television as you think you are, and your weird landing-strip-of-a-goatee has more potential to return to television than you do (-5 points). Granted, I’m sure you are a perfectly nice guy outside of Big Brother and hey, you love your family enough to swear on your kids lives (-5 points) when you told JoJo on the feeds that you’d vote to keep her in the house. Like I said last week, you are no Shelly. You and your icky never-washing-your-hands-before-you-cook (-5 points) and your blue chef’s jacket should have followed Willie out. OVERALL POINTS: -10
WIL: You’ve been playing one of the more steady games this season (+5 points) and have settled into being Janelle’s pet quite well. This may hurt you this week, however, so I recommend you try to play your own game little Velveteen bunny. Your “look” continues to shake all my senses (-5 points), and I have to say you are up there with Julie week-to-week in the “WTF is going on with the hair and wardrobe?!” choices. You smacked the shit out of that poor ball during the HOH competition (+5 points) for no good reason, as this challenge was hardly about brute strength. I’m hoping to see you on the block this week just to see how you handle it. OVERALL POINTS: +5
ASHLEY: You are a hot mess and a half and then some at this point…crying and medicating yourself into a heavy-eyed state. But clearly nobody thinks of you as a threat (+5 points). You scored only four points in the HOH competition, but somehow you weren’t the worst of all the HGs to play (+5 points) and in fact, I’m sure that wasn’t the first or last hockey stick you will ever grip for a chance at power. Btw, good for you for hiding in the toilet during the Willie-Joe Makeout Session (+5 points) and emerging once everything died down with that permanent “What happened” look on your face. And speaking of your face, you and Janelle are hanging out so much your noses are starting to look alike. Brava. OVERALL POINTS: +15
DAN’S TEAM: I didn’t even know Kermit could HAVE babies, but apparently he and Ryan Seacrest are your daddies, according to Dr. Will. Like me, Dr. Will also called you out on picking “a lot of hot ass” to be on your team. And you continue the closest thing to this season’s showmance, with Danielle. Dude, she is going to stalk you for the rest of her life. Your wife will kick your ass. But on to what’s left of your team:
DANIELLE: So you are basically the Adam Poch of this season, most likely to get to 3rd place for all the wrong reasons (-5 points). Your crying and whining and willingness to die before you roll over is just as bad as Britney’s (-5 points) and it’s too bad she isn’t your mentor for you two would have surely fallen into a state of depression and both left the house on stretchers. It’s too bad, really. Your need for love and attention is translating to a need for a punch in your mouth at this point and even on the feeds it is hard not to want to throw a vase when you pop up on the screen. And the fact that in 2012 you have to ask such questions as “how do lesbians have sex” to the resident lesbian Jenn, is preposterous (-5 points). Between that and Dan’s explanations of his structured sex life, this season may be the season my BB erection never meets its potential and remains flaccid. OVERALL POINTS: -15
My goodness, did I wake up on the wrong side of the BB season this morning:
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ASS FIRST, a few notable mentions:
BEST IMPERSONATION OF AN ASIAN MAN: DR. WILL
I had no idea Dr. Will was down with us like that! He looked downright Asian on television last night! Julie is looking more Caucasian every year and it seems Dr. Will is taking on more Asian features! Go figure.
BEST IMPERSONATION OF THE INSIDE OF A GIFT BOX: DANIELLE (-5 points)
Seriously. I know Danielle used to work at Kay Jewelers (every kiss begins with kay?) and all, but she really did look like the inside one of those little jewelry boxes they wrap their stuff in. Oy.
BEST IMPERSONATION OF A HUG: JANELLE
Wow Janelle, looking in the mirror much lately? I haven’t seen such a bad case of “I’m looking at me” since Ali BB4 and then Rachel BBForLife. I’m sure production is working on an endurance competition revolving around holding stares in mirrors.
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And at the end of this third week of BB:
IAN is still#1! And it looks like Boogie’s team is still faring the best after three weeks!