Somebody at CBS can’t be trusted…though by whom? The one big rumor about four returning HGs playing a mentoring role has been proven true and I find it sad that it was leaked. Call me old school, but I believe in letting the pre-season and season play out on its own.
Have I enjoyed tweeting incessantly about the mentoring “rumor”? Yes.
Could I have lived without knowing? Most definitely.
But alas, there are 12 actual NEW HGs to be analyzed! Let the snark and superficiality begin!
IAN: I want to feed you. No, I want to adopt you then feed you. How cute are you?! We finally get a REAL lovable nerd and not some turd nerd! The fact that you have studied every past season (+5 points) and hold up both Dr. Will and Jack, who are very different, as gamers is very telling. It’s telling me you know what’s up (+5 points). You seem to be THE MOST REAL of all the HGs (+5 points) and all your answers in your bio and video seem least rehearsed (+5 points). You also dislike Chima (+5 points) and Amber (+5 points) and so you’d better not disappoint me this summer because I just gave you a hell of a lot of points. I have a feeling you will come to bond with Nurse D as she will shield you from some inevitable bullying. OVERALL: +25 points
DANIELLE: You’re only 23?! I thought you were older because you, um, seem so mature. I respect you more for being a nurse and preaching “love” because you actually have one of the hardest jobs out there (+5 points)…as opposed to spray tan love girl. You say you love Jordan (-5 points) but then you balance it out by saying you “can’t stand Rachel” (+5 points) so it makes your love for Jordan actually more believable than SPRAY TAN GIRL’s (+5 points). You say you don’t want to reveal in the house that you’re a nurse, although if you get a fake I-hurt-myself-during-the-challenge-cryer like Kalia you may end up just jumping into that role without realizing it. I hope you meant what you said about helping anyone who’s bullied this summer (+5 points) because most HGs tend to be cowards and play neutral. And thank you for admitting you “want the money” (+5 point). But stop with the “I wanna make friends” bullshit (-5 points). OVERALL: +15 points
JODI: I’ve never had a Korean chick follow “in my footsteps” in Big Brother. The closest I got was Christina in Survivor. But you’re following Kalia, and you have nowhere to go but up on the meter (+5 points). So raise that bar. I like you. After Ian, you seem most real. Stepmom of five and newlywed of nine months, it must have been a hard decision leaving them. But if you win, it will be better than any salary you make being a food server, and no matter how nice the steakhouse. I will be rooting for you (+5 points) but you are among a sea of BB folks who have gone with the “I will let people underestimate me” strategy. Most failed. I hope you won’t. I am pretty much okay with all of your BB alum dislikes and find it interesting they are mostly from older seasons (+5 points). But I am unnerved that your favorite three come from very recent seasons (-5 points). In any event, the fact that you physically shudder when you mention Rachel’s name (+5 points) excites me as I’m sure she’ll be on at some point this season and you will have to face her bedazzled boobs. OVERALL: +15 points
JENN: My fellow NYer…I wonder if maybe we’ve taken the subway together one day. You’d be one of those people I take one of my stealth ninja photos to upload for everyone to see. And I mean that in the nicest way (+5 points). It’s about time CBS has put a REAL lesbian, and not just a bi-curious tease, on that seems somewhat likeable. You refer to yourself as a “fun, twisted puzzle to unfold” yet you forget that most BB HGs haven’t completed a puzzle since kindergarten (-5 points). Good luck with that. I actually believe you when you say you’d “start a music program to help underprivileged kids stay focused” because “music has saved my life and I want to give back to what has been so good to me”, as opposed to others in the past who have expressed similar sentiments then got busted for peddling pills. Ahem, Adam. Your “I think a lot of people are going to judge me initially off of my looks, so the intimidation I am absolutely gonna twist in my favor” appeals to my twisted sense of voyeurism so I look forward to seeing what you mean by this (+5 points). We’ve never have a female Evel Dick before? You seem rough around the edges but maybe you’ll grind down some casting disasters in the house and give us some game (+5 points)! OVERALL: +10 points
JOJO: You have such a lovely facial structure I wish I could just lighten you up a little in the tan, makeup and accessories department (-5 points). I thought you were a bartender but in the casting video all of a sudden you were a Promotional Model. The line that made me fall in maybe-love with you was “I have no kids or special someone to go home to, so it wouldn’t really bother me as long as I can chill in the backyard and tan” because I feel like it really summed you up (+5 points). I wonder if the tanning thing will make you bond or clash with SPRAY TAN GIRL. I can’t believe you still use Chapstick (+5 points) when there are countless other fabulous lip products out there. It boggles my mind, really. Your accent and voice will nearly kill me (-5 points) depending on how long you last. But as long as you don’t have a catfight, or makeout with Hantzsperm, you should be okay for a while (+5 points). I actually fear that someone from your very Italian Staten Island family will find me on Twitter. Gets me all tingly excited and shit. OVERALL: +5 points
KARA: You are no virgin to the scene; nor are you an angel on earth. But this is the first time we’ve had a Playmate of the Year in the house. You’re hoping you don’t get recognized. Right. Hmmm…interestingly enough, The Glass House has got a Playboy bunny. But CBS wins this round, I suppose , with your help (+5 points). Your video all but screamed to us “My agent said I’m turning 30 and so I need a boost so it’s the only reason I’m on this, what is this oh yeah Bigger Brother show. And instead of telling people I take pictures naked I tell them I play Snow White at Disney World” (-5 points). Oh, I can’t wait to see Playboy Snow White and Spray Tan Snow White do battle! Well, we can only hope because you seem so over this season already (-5 points). Why does CBS cast people who don’t care?!?! You want to use your BB win to “use it to help people and try to make a positive difference in the world”. WHAT?!?!?! I think you mistakenly copy/pasted your pageant answer there. Command-Z! undo! If you do win I’ll be happy because you say you want to give the money to your mom, a single mom (+5 points). But you won’t win. You didn’t like Keith or Lydia and you’re up for a showmance if it’s with someone like Jeff. Oy. Dumbledore. But you ask not to have Rachel brought back (+5 points) which means there are enough of you collectively who will make CBS have to bring her back for something. OVERALL: +5 points
WILLIE: If you can get JoJo, Ian, Jodi and Danielle over to your side I think you’ll be okay. But that will never happen so you’re not okay. I’m wondering if Ian will figure you out for a Hantz because he looks like he’d be a Survivor fan too. Your favorite activities are “Gambling and strip clubs!” with the emphasis on the exclamation point (-5 points) and I am shocked that you’ve frequented such venues… … … insert smirk… … … Your least favorite is Rachel (+5 points), which makes me wish she WAS returning just for you (-5 points) and I see you do have a soft side to you because you say your two children are your greatest accomplishment (+5 points). You admit that if you became famous you’d want to come back for All Stars. Again, I am shocked. Hantz Franchise for rent by CBS, anyone? It saddens me that you’d sleep on the floor and eat slop “for the rest of my life” for $500,000 (-5 points). After taxes you get half, so perhaps just half your life will suffice. You kept speaking in different tenses during your video which was disturbing because you seem to have missed the days of school when the proper use of past tense were taught. But you tell us you “take baths but that’s about it”. Yikes. But still entertaining (+5 points). OVERALL: 0 points
SHANE: You’re a house flipper. Good going CBS, that was cool like four seasons ago. You tell us you enjoying “hitting golf balls off my deck into the woods” as opposed to just hitting golf balls (-5 points). Seriously? That must be some deck you want us to know about you house flipper, you. Your dad is your hero, very sweet (+5 points). You always must mention (-5 points) that you were Bachelor 2010 in Cosmo magazine and I’m so confused because you don’t seem all that into girls upon first impression. Or maybe you’re just that douchey that your heterosexuality is masked that heavily. You compare yourself to Hayden and Jeff. Oy. But your goal “is to open a Special Olympics Training Camp” (+5 points) which is, um, random much? But I say to that: Yes! Go forth and do it! And don’t just talk about curing cancer like other people do! Your weaknesses are blondes and Southern belles. Oh boy. CBS hates you then. I don’t know how telling everyone you’re a “Beer and wine Salesman and personal trainer on the side” is gonna be any better than just saying you’re a puka-candy-necklace wearing house-flipper (-5 points). I mean, the best thing is not to build up so many big lies. You can always just say you WORK for a house flipper. Geez. Newbies always complicating things. OVERALL: -5 points
FRANK: Do you really even want to be on this show (-5 points)? And are you going to make basketball analogies all summer (-5 points)? Anyone who comes in wanting to “build-a-team-type-alliance” where they are the leader, are usually tools. You’ve watched since Season 6 and you’re not into floaters (-5 points) which means you can’t be a “superfan” like you claim to be. Perhaps you should have watched Season 4. Floaters are a necessary evil and brilliant if done right. I do appreciate your dislike of Chima (+5 points) although I get a similar vibe from you in that you’re only in the house because you don’t have a job. No, sorry, you don’t WANT a job. A common trait, it seems, for most BB alum. For someone who doesn’t want to be portrayed as “just a famous wrestler’s son” you sure are acting like a lazy bum. Do you think everyone who works does it because it’s their passion? No, sadly, they have to put food on the table. Grow up! Get a job! OVERALL: -10 points
JOE: I’m gonna call you No Video Joe. Dude. You weren’t even in the house until Mike the “What Did I Get Myself Into” Sailing Instructor got cut (-5 points). But I look forward to seeing you cook in the BB house (+5 points)! Too bad you’re an actual chef and that will make it TOO obvious a strategy. I hope you have a back-up. I’m jealous that I won’t be able to taste your food. You have no idea how hard it will be “to have everyday, every minute, every second of my life on the air” until you are in that house, dude. You actually have no idea (-5 points). It’s too bad we have no video of you. No. It’s not. Those freaking casting videos were all at least 6 minutes too long. But I won’t take points away from you for that. Good luck my culinary friend. OVERALL: -5 points
ASHLEY: Clearly you HAVE watched Big Brother before since you’re playing the “I Heart JeJo” and “Shelly got on my nerves” card in an effort to gain numbers outside of the house (+5 points), can’t fault you for that. But you call yourself Snow White and don’t realize that quality over quantity is what will matter in the end! You are one of way-too-many blonde HGs who have come and gone, who plans to play “dumb ditzy blonde” (-5 points) and you talk as if you’re stuck in a five year old’s body (-5 points) which will get annoying, like, yesterday. Relax your eyes and your tongue…that’s it…no need to put on a cartoon voice. You fancy yourself a “dreambook” maker (-5 points). I don’t trust chicks who do that dreambook shit. It’s creepy. You say you’re all about love and giving love and sharing love and, what?! Spray tanning does not a love energy make (-5 points)! Give it up. “Fetch” never caught on, and neither will your “love” thing. For someone who claims to be a fan, you certainly didn’t learn that this game is not about love. Evel Dick scares you (+5 points) but not as much as the sun apparently, because you tell us in your video you’ll be wearing 100 “proof” SPF on your face and 70 on your shoulders. Oy. OVERALL: -10 points
WIL: You’re that American Idol reject with the youTube channel that everyone keeps tweeting me about (-5 points) and I see you like wearing mesh see-through shirts (-5 points). Only I can rock anything close to fishnet! Your voice makes MY balls ache. And you, like, many other want to hide your true profession. I mean, unless you’re married to the head of CBS and hosting the show, I don’t see why you would hide your profession to the HGs, seriously. Get over your respective professions. It’s not that important. I was in banking and said I was in banking and I banked on everything and won anyway. Okay, off my BB soapbox. But seriously, you think you’re Don Draper in your description of yourself yet you’re just an assistant, admit it. You did not like Eveil Dick but you liked Rachel (-5 points). Bananas creep you out (-5 points). OVERALL: -20 points)
PS: There exist people on Twitter who hide behind multiple accounts and fake photos who wish people harm and death. Unimaginable right? Over television programming that’s supposed to be “reality”? It’s the reality we live in, and so many just turn a blind eye to these people utilizing social media outlets to wish death upon someone’s baby. I can only speak for myself, but I can tweet for others when I say people like @GreggsGyrl who wished my baby dead should have their IP addresses tracked and banned from social media. They are toxic and detrimental to our already damaged society.