Big Rich Atlanta: Episode 9 Recap

Batgirl swoops in to save some cheerleaders and Tony Soprano visits Meagan.

Big Rich Atlanta: Episode 9 Recap

Episode 9 of Style Network’s Big Rich Atlanta serves as a harsh reminder that evil is alive and well, lurking from beneath piles of synthetic hair and circus makeup in the Greater Atlanta area.

Speaking of Ashlee, she’s still trying to convince us that she’s over the Kahdijiha thing and is just letting nature (and law enforcement) take its course. She tells Harvin how indifferent she is about Kaj.

I’m going to shop and do the spa and things that I do while she works her 9 to 5, lives in her rented apartment where my housekeeper lives…

Harv interrupts with a polite version of what viewers are thinking.

Yeah, I can tell you’re really over it.

On the couch, Ashlee continues to persuade us.

I’m not going to spend another day being concerned about Kahdijiha, it’s not my problem, she committed a crime not me.

Harvin digs narcissistic people so she tells Ashlee she’d really like for her to mend fences with Meyer. Harv is Ashlee’s only remaining friend so she agrees. Harv promises to set it up.

Sabrina the dancing preacher is back this week, taking on supposedly troubled cheerleaders and standing up for inner city youth. An acquaintance, Cori, runs a gym and has invited Sabrina to mentor some of her teens because Cori is a white chick and thinks they’re more likely to listen to a crazy African-American who jumps around rappin’ about Jesus.

Next, Katie has invited Sabrina to lunch; the preacher is suspicious.

Katie and I are not that close but I’m going to keep an open mind because I want to hear whatever it is she has to say.

Big Rich Atlanta by Merritt Patterson

Like one of the Bridge playing white ladies in The Help, Katie lets us know the lunch is strictly charitable.

I felt compelled to take her to lunch today and give her a heads up about Cori and let her know some things that have been going on with her gym. Cori’s reputation has taken quite a few hits.

The ladies are seated and Katie gets right to business.

I think Cori might be using you a little bit to add some credibility to her gym because you are a minister and…just be aware.

Sabrina wants to know more because, based on the somber tone, Katie is probs about to drop some big bombshell about drugs and prostitution. Katie reveals Cori’s alleged evildoing.

Diana was at her gym last year and they had a great year but after that Cori started recruiting a lot of children from the inner city. She offers them free tuition so they can come and, you know, the rest of us pay.

Big Rich Atlanta by Merritt Patterson

Katie, even the cartoon birds that follow you around singing just distanced themselves on that one.

Katie: A lot of the mothers did feel uncomfortable and so the gym dynamic started changing a lot. Bringing in some inner city kids also brought in some, as you can imagine, some problems.

Sabrina: Has the controversy been because these kids are here now, have they brought in a negative connotation?

Katie: Oh yeah.

Katie, you just killed the birds. Are you happy?

Harvin takes Meyer to the spa for her 28th birthday, seemingly the perfect time to surprise her sister with a forced Ashlee reconciliation. Meyer isn’t smiling.

She needs friends because she got her hair pulled out, I’m not dumb.

Ashlee is on the couch telling us how things usually go.

I don’t chase friends, friends chase me. However, I’m going to make an exception in this case because I love Harvin.

That, and everyone else hates you with a burning passion.

Next, Virginia hosts an intimate birthday dinner for Meyer at a friend’s small, nondescript home. The friend didn’t attend the dinner leaving us curious as to the reason for an alternate location. Maybe it’s because Goose didn’t want to clean up after the cake fight that ended with Harvin, Meyer, and Meagan giggling over the sink while they washed clumps of icing from the boob-shaped cake out of their hair.

While primping, conversation quickly turns to the Kaj/Ashlee drama.

Meagan: Honestly, Ashlee had it comin’. She was completely taunting Kahdijiha.

Harvin: But Ashlee taunts everybody ‘cause that’s kind of Ashlee.

Meagan: I know, but at some point, you’re gonna get your hair pulled out.

True dat, Meg.

Meyer agrees that Ash was asking for it. Meg urges the sisters to give Kahdijiha a chance.

Cut to the couch where Meyer has had a change of heart, and maybe even a few vodka shots.

As crazy as Ashlee is, she’s not SO bad.

By sunrise Harvin is on the horn to Ashlee telling her what Meagan said.

Meagan just felt like you had started it with Kahdijiha and you weren’t hurt as bad as you were claiming.

Ashlee must think she’s Meg’s pimp, “I’m gonna be sure that Meagan knows to keep her mouth shut from here forward.” OK, but Harv wants to make sure one thing is clear, “I’m not calling you to start, like, some big ruckus.”

Ashlee is done with this convo, she needs to hang up and confront Meagan.

Quit tryin’ to act like you’re Jesus or Gandhi or somethin’, I gotta go.

Continuing with the theme of running and telling people what’s been said about them, Sabrina pops in unannounced at the gym to speak with Cori.

Katie and I were having lunch and she just mentioned that there were so many rumors going on about you, surrounding the gym and the types of kids that you bring in from the inner city and that it caused everybody to leave.

Cori cries right there on the gym floor in front of kids. Sabrina, you really should shut up more often.

Big Rich Atlanta by Merritt Patterson

Cut to Ashlee showing up at Meagan’s house like Tony Soprano looking to crack some skulls.

Meagan opens the door, but not fast enough for Ash who pushes her way through, “Let me in, how’s it goin’?” And she doesn’t stop in the entry like people with boundaries do; she walks with purpose to the room and seat of her choosing.

Ash: Meagan, I’m gonna cut straight to the chase with you. Harvin told me that you opened your fat [BLEEP], [BLEEP] mouth and were saying that you didn’t believe that my hair really got pulled out.

Meg: No, I don’t think it did. I think you’re just an attention whore, and that’s just your way of getting more attention.

Ash: So do you think that I called a [BLEEP] ambulance on my birthday because I felt like calling an ambulance?

Meg: I wouldn’t put it past you

Ash: You are one twisted little [BLEEP] and you’re not gonna get away with it little girl.

Big Rich Atlanta by Merritt Patterson

Meagan begins a response but Dr. Doofenshmirtz interrupts, “Meagan hush.” Surprised that her orders of silence aren’t immediately followed, Ashlee pauses before spewing more of her signature hate, “You better pump the brakes before the only thing you have is Kahdijiha. You mark my words.”

Over at the gym, one of the more painful scenes in reality television history unfolds as Sabrina arrives to mentor inner city youth, wearing what appears to be a Batgirl outfit with the words EPIC WOMEN printed across the front. I winced and wanted to look away but couldn’t as she began to rap, waving her wing-clad arms wildly.

The rap was excruciating.

I was goin’ thru life like everything was a-ok. I wasn’t concerned with these preachers sayzz about the judgment days. Stop callin’ my name, stop callin’ my name, God why are you botherin’ me. Where was you when my mother raised 6 kids on her own, where was you the days I cried? I don’t need you now. I’ve got this gift you see, I’m goin’ on tour with Bobby Brown and I’m dancin’ for TLC.

Hair dip, [something] twist, never sleep from head to toe and all the shorties be like whoa.

It went on. And on. There was something about her brother having AIDS and then the tune took a dramatic turn, Sabrina stomped around wailing, but still rapping.

I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I ain’t got no peace.

I seriously couldn’t take another second and if my job didn’t require it, I’d have flipped to ABC, watched Revenge, and called it a night.

And Cori, I’m not sure there was a benefit that could possibly outweigh the fact that you now need a tutor to come in and undo Sabrina’s anti-grammar lesson.

Next we get a much-needed break from the preacher when Ashlee brings a bejeweled bike helmet to Meyer as a birthday gift with a note explaining it’s to protect her hair from being ripped out on her special day. That’s a half point for Ash; we liked that.

Oh no! Sorry Ashlee, we’re taking the point back due to this next scene.

Big Rich Atlanta by Merritt Patterson

Harvin and Meyer arrive at the country club and notice a large police presence. Upstairs, Sharlinda screams as cops arrest Kahdijiha. Ashlee, the mastermind behind the operation, waits outside in an SUV positioned for prime viewing of the perp walk.

Harvin is stunned.

I knew Ashlee was capable of this but I never thought she would actually go through with it.

See you next week for what appears to be Meyer’s boob job, Katie’s celebration of ancestry, and Ashlee’s journey to break her own world record for biggest bitch ever.

 

Comments

  • Shortfatatlanta

    I’m just sure that at the end of the
    Season we will discover harvin,
    Meyer, goose and ashlee are all
    Tyrannies who have taken on these
    Parts as a huge joke. By the way,
    The country club where they film
    Is probably less exclusive than
    The trailer park in myrtle manor.