Losing an hour to Daylight Saving this weekend wouldn’t have been such a crusher if it had happened on Sunday at 9/8 central, causing us to miss episode 7 of Big Rich Atlanta in which Harvin and Meyer rummage through their mother’s belongings, searching for, and finding, sex toys.
I far prefer Fear Factor’s bug-eating segments to the details of Virginia’s personal time, but that’s just me.
Speaking of Goose, here she is meeting up with Mike, that super young guy she made out with in a parking lot during episode 4. Virginia has had second thoughts about dating a guy so many years her junior, but his face is too pretty to waste. Goose considers repurposing him as a son-in-law and tells him about Meyer. She invites Mike to Marcia’s Halloween party for an introduction.
But Mike, Goose has one rule.
Don’t tell her you kissed me.
Cut to Meagan, she has just joined her mother, Marcia, who insists on helping her pick out a unique costume. Marsh has a strategy.
All the girls that come are always, like, I’m going to be a sexy so-and-so. I think it would be fun if she did something totally over-the-wall.
Marcia. It’s off-the-wall.
Already proven herself epically unhip, viewers are not surprised when Marsh suggests Meagan go as a bottle of ketchup.
It says, hey, I have confidence.
Unsure how dressing as a condiment translates into confidence, Meagan refuses. Marcia has a back-up plan, The Jolly Green Giant. A pumpkin?
Meg decides to meet Harvin and Meyer at a bar to brainstorm about the perfect costume. After settling on a unicorn, Meagan tells the sisters that Kahdijiha and Sharlinda will be at the party. The art show tension is still heavy, made worse last week when Daryll told Harvin and Meyer they would need to apologize to Shar before he would carry their jewelry in a store that’s not even his.
Harvin, Meyer and Virginia discuss the dilemma on the couch.
Goose: It’s not that hard to say I’m sorry. Just say, I’m sorry.
Meyer: Do you want me to throw up in my mouth?
Harvin: And swallow it?
Ladies, earlier we saw you dunking ice cream sandwiches in martinis while you investigated your mother’s personal pleasure items, if that didn’t make you throw up, you’ll be fine.
Next, Ashlee is back and it seems she’ll be attending a party as a man dressed like a woman. Oh, never mind, that’s not a costume. Ash is in a limo cruising around Atlanta wearing the discarded hair of several hundred Barbies. She sets the record straight.
The boss bitch is back.
On her way to pick up her sister, Ashlee tells us where she has been.
After Kahdijiha attacked me at my birthday party I needed to go to my second home in Beverly Hills so that I could just be alone in solitude and enjoy myself. Get my hair fixed, go to the spa, and get myself back grounded and centered.
Translation: After Kaj embarrassed me at my birthday party by ripping out my extensions and throwing them on the floor, I had to get more fake hair but there wasn’t enough in all of Georgia because Harvin and Meyer sucked it all up.
Lauren: Did Kahdijiha apologize yet?
Ashlee: Hell, no, she never will.
On the couch, Ashlee proves she is so above what happened.
I’m not angry at Kahdijiha, I let all that go whenever I left my birthday party that evening. However, Kahdijiha will pay. Mark my word.
Which word? The word about you letting go or the one about how she’ll pay? I’m not lying, Ash, you could sell out arenas giving seminars on the power of forgiveness. How’d you do it?
I focused on letting it go really hard so that when I came back to Atlanta, I was free. So I’m free from shackles and it’s time for her to get some shackles.
I see. So you still have a little work to do in the revenge department?
I’m back in this town and I’m droppin’ grenades.
Over at Virginia’s house, the matchmaking is underway. Goose tells Meyer that she has a boy for her. Big sister jumps in for the save, realizing Mike is mom’s sloppy seconds.
Harvin: Did you kiss him on the mouth?
Virginia: He kissed me.
Harvin: OH. My. Gawd. MOM. That is GA-ROSS.
Said the girl who touched her mother’s vibrator?
Harvin puts an end to the madness.
Mom you’ve gotta come back with a better game plan than to, like, hook her up with somebody that you put your mouth on.
Virginia, you’re a great mom in many respects but somewhere along the way, you made a mistake of such enormity that your daughters have intel about your intimate life. Boundaries, Goose. Boundaries.
Next, Sabrina the dancing preacher and self-appointed expert on how to be a strong, professional woman, confronts Ashlee on her disappearance since she’s Anandi’s free pageant coach.
You can’t just disappear. That’s not the impression I want to have Anandi to know, when there’s difficulty you just flee.
Sabrina, Anandi is 19, not 12.
And we totally don’t blame you for not wanting Ashlee to be a role model to your daughter. But maybe you could talk to Anandi about Ashlee’s poor example as opposed to telling other grown-ups how to act. Because when you do that, we hate you with a burning passion and hate is such an exhausting emotion.
Sabrina lectures Ash.
I think just explaining would have been a more appropriate approach because whose to say another incident won’t occur?
Sabrina, another incident is highly likely, Ashlee has pissed off a lot of people. So it’s a really good thing you’re not a paying customer.
And seriously, why won’t you stop talking?
As a business woman and you have clients and when you’re working with children you are honest and you let them know, you can’t just desert them because it also impacts their self-esteem.
OMG, I think I’d rather hear more about Virginia’s sex.
Cut to Goose who has just met Katie for lunch to tell her about a procedure she’s getting called a G-shot, as in G-spot.
Just typing that made me reflect on my career choice.
Katie offers to drive Virginia to her G-shot appointment. The doctor is a woman and at first that seems comforting but it quickly becomes super disturbing as doc does a “manual search” for Goose’s G-spot.
Virginia: I can’t wait to see what the results are gonna be.
Doc: I can’t wait as well.
When Virginia returns to the waiting room she rates the doc for Katie, “She was fabulous. You would really like her, even if you didn’t do the shot.”
Perplexed. All of us. In a very bad way.
Meanwhile, Harvin is so excited about her costume.
Meyer and I are going as broke down baby dolls. Damaged.
I bet the ketchup outfit is still available if you’re having second thoughts.
While they apply “broke down baby doll” makeup, the ladies discuss seeing Sharlinda tonight for the first time since the art show. Will the girls be able to apologize in the name of business?
Marcia’s home is festively decorated with skull candles, cobwebs, and shirtless vampire waiters. The guests are, for the most part, dressed as people we were able to guess rather easily. I think Sharlinda came as Glozelle, if not, that’s who she should be next year.
As if the boutique that Daryll doesn’t own is the only retail establishment in Atlanta, Virginia arranges a sit-down with Shar to save the She Blames Me jewelry line. Goose makes the broke down baby dolls join the impromptu therapy session on the patio.
Sharlinda take the first shot.
Miss Virginia, your daughters are a emotional roller coaster.
Shar, you obviously didn’t see your own daughter crying on the bathroom counter last week at the lake house and it’s an emotional coaster because emotional starts with a vowel.
And seriously, discussing this with Kaj the chocolate covered strawberry chiming in is too much. Perhaps we can pick this up sans costumes at a later date?
Harvin and Meyer have decide they don’t need Daryll after all and abandon the meeting with Sharlinda.
Mike shows up dressed like a PE teacher and Meyer doesn’t want anything to do with him, which is convenient because he tells Goose that despite the age difference, he really only wants her. So Virginia decides to keep him and invites Mike back to her house.
Meyer and Harvin don’t want to risk seeing Sharlinda on their way out so, naturally, like true socialites, they exit through a bedroom window.
If Virginia will padlock her bedroom door, next week won’t be nearly as painful.