Episode 5 begins in the limo on the way home from DeAynni’s launch party where Leslie tells the recently fired, poop-scooping Kalyn that she’ll be working at Life’s a Pageant, Leslie’s tragically named business. Les is beginning to realize that if someone were in charge of firing godmothers, she’d be getting a pink slip first thing Monday.
I won’t let Kalyn get away with this again. Clearly, as her Godmother, I need to do something different. Maybe I need to be coming down harder on her.
Cut to the leading expert in raising well-adjusted daughters, Bonnie.
Bon is super excited about the release of her latest book in the Fiona Frost series, Order of the Black Moon. She’s feeling way confident.
I want to be the next J.K. Rowling. The main suspects of the book are a teen vampire cult so I’m having a vampire themed launch party.
Which is why Bon and Whit are raiding a local costume shop searching for the perfect outfits. Whitney grabs a pair of hooker shoes and holds up a gothic corset, “Ya think this will fit?” Bonnie knows a thing or two about what mythical creatures wear, “That’s skanky vampire.”
Bon: Why did you go off on Kalyn?
Whit: Me and Booger got into an argument, he said we were moving too fast and I stormed off. I was telling Nikki about the fight and I turned around and there was Kalyn and I just went off on her because she’s a skank.
Bon: Maybe you are moving a little bit too fast.
The moment to teach Whit some basics about not attacking people at parties was lost. Anyone else thinking this isn’t the first time Bon let one of those opportunities slip by?
Cut to the Leslie’s apartment where she’s ready to leave for work but Kalyn is sick in bed. Leslie doesn’t believe her cheetah robe wearing, hot pink laptop using goddaughter is really sick. Les docks Kalyn’s pay and leaves in a fury.
Meanwhile, at Al Biernat’s, Melissa is having a lunch meeting about a new swimwear cover-up line she hopes to develop.
I’m meeting with a woman named Vera Wang. Not THE Vera Wang but she does have the same name. Vera’s company takes a business idea and walks it through the manufacturing process so I’m meeting with her today to show her my ideas and I hope she likes them.
Mel wants to impress so she’s put her sketches that were drawn on a yellow legal pad, into some clear plastic page protectors and snapped ‘em into a 3 ring binder. It looked more like a preschooler’s proposal for a paper doll company but The Other Vera Wang praises her work and Melissa is thrilled.
She loves it. I’m so excited. My dream may finally be coming true.
They toast to a new endeavor and Melissa tells Vera, “Thank you for believing in me.”
So Mel, you do realize that The Other Vera Wang doesn’t care what big idea you’re manufacturing. She believes in all paying customers.
Next, we’re at Bonnie’s house with the garage in front where she’s cyber-investigating Booger to find out if he’s a quality guy. The part about him being a body-piercer covered in tattoos would tell most moms everything they need to know but Bon consults Google.
Across town at Terry Costa, Leslie is with a pageant client when she gets a phone call from Tyler.
Ty: I’m at the hospital with Kalyn. I had to call an ambulance.
Les: I just saw Kalyn this morning and she is fine. You called an ambulance?
Ty: They’re hooking up a bunch of IVs to her.
Les: She has an IV? This is serious.
Yeah, she could totally be dehydrated or something. It’s a shame the paramedics didn’t have some Gatorade in the truck. Leslie bolts to the ER where someone tells her only immediate family can receive medical information, so she waits.
Kalyn is on the couch reliving the traumatic scene for us.
I was at home and I started feeling really bad back pain and I started screaming for Tyler to call 911. He called the ambulance and rushed me to the hospital and once I got there they started putting IVs in me and they gave me morphine. The doctors ran some tests and started talking about surgeries. It was awful.
Kalyn, were you rushed to the set of Grey’s Anatomy?
Cut to KLIF studios where Bon is scheduled to promote her book on the Nicole Barrett radio show. Maddie and Melissa are there too, Bonnie explains.
I’m going to take Maddie along because she is the face of Fiona Frost.
Bon, it’s a radio show. No faces.
Nicole: Bonnie, tell us about Order of the Black Moon.
Bonnie: This one actually involves a teenaged vampire cult. So, hence, we’re having a vampire themed launch party.
Bon, seriously, she meant for you to tell about the plot. Think about it while we listen to Kalyn overdramatize the ER visit that could have been handled with a run to CVS.
HIPAA privacy laws have prevented Les from getting accurate information so she waits patiently for Kalyn to get enough strength to share the diagnosis. Kalyn, are you OK? Is it cancer? A rare degenerative disorder?
Basically, I have a severe kidney infection because I stress myself out too bad. It’s a combination of everything that I tried telling you. Whitney won’t leave me alone.
Ok, so the ER doc ran some tests and after mulling over various surgeries, he reviewed lab results and said it’s a kidney infection caused by Whitney? Did he mention how Whitney was able to transfer bacteria from your urethra to the urinary tract? Kalyn elaborates on Dr. Doolittle’s theory.
When I went into the hospital the doctor informed me that kidney infections are sometimes caused by stress.
And bacteria. Did he mention bacteria?
Stress throws off your PH balance and that can cause kidney infections, urinary tract infections, and a lot of other infections as well.
How about hypochondria? Delusional episodes? Promiscuity? Does it cause any of that?
Leslie’s basic science is rusty and she’s feeling guilty about having doubted Kalyn was sick. So without a single WTF pause, Les vows to protect Kalyn from Whitney’s bacterial terror plot.
Next, we’re at the Love-N-Hate tat shop where Bon has just arrived with a sandwich for Booger. Sup with the total kindness, Bonnie?
I’ve learned as much as I can about Brandon on the Internet so it’s time to take my investigation to the next level.
She doesn’t beat around the Booger bush, “Do you really like Whitney?” He nails it, “I love Whitney.” But the interrogation is just beginning.
Q: What’s her favorite color?
Q: What would Whitney rather wear, glitter or shimmer?
Q: Are you a drinker or a designated driver?
A: If she drinks, I’m the designated driver.
Q: What if you’re both laying in bed at night and you see an Ascaris, which is a round worm, crawling out of her nose, would you still love her?
Q: What about a tapeworm coming out of her anus?
A: That’s fine with me.
Q: Every Christmas we dress up as Christmas characters and go out. What are you gonna be?
A: An elf.
Q: You’ll do that?
Bonnie is convinced that Booger is the right man for Whit. Viewers are convinced he’s a total freaking liar because no one is “fine” with envisioning anal tapeworms. Sorry.
Back to Kalyn’s bedside where Maddie has come to pay last respects, “I was so worried about you. Like, literally, my heart was beating through my chest.” Maddie is anxious to hear what happened, Kalyn musters the strength.
I mean, I got sick because of Whitney. Because I was so unbelievably stressed from all of her crap.
Cindy feels really bad about everything Kalyn is going through and like a good friend, she swoops in to see how she can help. Maybe she’ll bring a meal? Or offer to do some laundry?
I realize Leslie has been under a lot of stress because of Kalyn’s illness so I agreed to go out to the golf course and let Leslie blow off some steam.
That is so above and beyond, Cindy. Really.
While they hit golf balls, Cindy asks for the medical update.
Leslie: She’s just worn out.
Cindy: What caused all that?
Leslie: Stress. From Whitney.
Cindy seems skeptical but remains silent and supportive. Leslie tells her that she’s been trying to reach Bonnie to discuss what has happened but Bon won’t return her calls. They agree that the vampire party is the perfect place for Les to confront Bon.
Because Bonnie will be drunk and wearing fangs?
Cut to Melissa’s apartment where she and Maddie are bonding over a manicure. Maddie shares the tragic story about Kalyn being in the hospital with a kidney infection caused by Whit. Mel is the first to call BS, “You cannot get a kidney infection because of stress.” Melissa takes it to the next level and declares the cause of Kalyn’s infection is promiscuity.
Speaking of Kalyn, she’s up and around! And since Leslie is still seeking forgiveness for originally doubting the illness, she takes Kalyn shopping.
You know what, it’s my treat. Let’s go in here. Anything you want.
I hope they have a good return policy because something tells me Les will be in doubt again real soon.
Across town, complete with a smoke machine, the book celebration is underway. Bon busts up the party flow for an awkward reading by Maddie as Fiona Frost.
Then Melissa mingles, telling Bonnie about Kalyn’s illness.
Mel: So Kalyn is claiming that Miss Whitney gave her a kidney infection from stress.
Bon: It’s like hooker disease. You know how Kalyn got it, it’s from being dirty.
Bon is on the couch.
As a PhD in physiology, I know that kidney infections are not caused by stress. And in my professional opinion, in this case, it’s most likely from Kalyn sleepin’ around too much.
Leslie enters, dressed as a nun vampire slayer, and makes her way over to Bonnie.
Leslie: Whitney needs to be reined in.
Bon: Whitney is 24.
Leslie: She is the reason Kalyn went to the hospital. You need to take control of your daughter.
Bon: This is not the time or place. I think you should leave.
Cindy tries to help, “I think she came to try to kind of make amends with you.” Bonnie reiterates, “I think you should leave.” Cindy and Leslie oblige but once they are just far enough from Bonnie for everyone to hear, Bon shouts at them, “Hey.”
Bon: Kalyn saying that Whitney sent her to the hospital with a UTI from stress…
Les: Is absolutely true.
Bon: Why don’t you look that up ‘cause you don’t get a UTI from stress, you get it from…
Whitney jumps in, finishing her mother’s sentence: Sleeping around.
Bon: Bacteria does not spontaneously generate, OK?
After a long pause with partygoers looking on, Leslie heads to the couch.
Now I’m going to have to do a little fact checking and get to the bottom of this mess.
Based on scenes from episode 6 of Big Rich Texas, Les did some research and decided Kalyn’s only hope is baptism. Join me next week for results of the holy cleansing.
Who do you think wins the Most Delusional accolade this week: Les in regards to Kalyn’s stress-induced kidney infection or Mel in regards to having Vera Wang as a business partner?