Big Rich Texas: Episode 2 Recap

Episode 2 of Style Network’s Big Rich Texas begins with Bonnie, dressed like a ninja, rolling in across the country club floor for self-defense class. Melissa demonstrates how she’d fend off perps with her wrists, and Leslie stands in as an offender while Connie kicks her in the gut. It’s kind of metaphorical. Bon is the badass, Melissa doesn’t know how to fight properly and Leslie just stands there while people kick her.

After ninja class, the ladies find a shady poolside table while the girls catch some rays. An otherwise peaceful moment is interrupted by Dee shouting like a cranky trucker at Shaye to put on sunscreen.

On the couch, DeYanni justifies her irrational screaming.

Shaye needs to learn how important sunscreen is for preventing skin cancer, especially when you’re as pasty as she is.

And Dee, you need to learn how important not treating your daughter like crap is in preventing her from being strung out on cocaine, especially when your teeth are so big.

Cindy spots Tyler from across the pool and turns into a panting dog, salivating over a steak. Bon tells her that Ty is Leslie’s son but that information doesn’t seem to play a vital role in Cindy’s decision-making process.

When she snaps out of her smutty cougar daydream, Cindy invites everyone to a crab boil she’s hosting soon.

Next, at Bon’s house, Whitney is finally moving out. Albeit with a tattooed, body-piercer named Booger, but it is progress. In a really twisted sort of way.

Though Whit is 24 years-old, Bonnie doesn’t want to let go.

I’d say she’ll be back soon, Bon, but Whit packed her old cheerleading uniform and a photo album filled with baby pics. Not to worry you but I’m married and have 4 kids and my box of memories is still at mom’s house. She’s really leaving you. Like, for forever.

Next, Leslie has invited Bon to Terilli’s for dinner so they can discuss why Bon didn’t have Leslie’s back at the casino party last week. Why Terilli’s, Les? Because it already burned down once and you thought it to be better equipped for disaster?

Bon explains she didn’t want to get in the middle and professes her love for both Mel and Les.

In what would have otherwise been a smooth transition to the courts at Woodhaven, we’re given some photographic points of reference. A tennis racket, a golf cart, a bucket of tennis balls. And a squirrel sprawled out on concrete.

After Nikki and Whitney finish a quick match, they sit down with 15 year-olds Alex and Shaye, and 16 year-old Maddie. Nikki explains she’s tired because she was out partying with Alex’s mom, Cindy, last night. Alex asks, “Did you drink alcohol when you were our age?”

Nikki lost some brain cells while partying hard with the over 40 crowd and responds, “Yes, sometimes.” Shaye asks how Nikki got it. Nikki responds reluctantly, “Peeeeeple.” Maddie wants to know more, “Like who?”

Then Nikki lets her own childhood delinquency taint her understanding of an innocent line of questioning, “OK, what are y’all getting at?” The girls explain they’re just curious but Nikki and her tattooed tennis partner don’t believe them. But by the grace of God, a gust of wind knocks over some Garden Ridge greenery in the background and the conversation ends abruptly.

Cut to Booger’s tat shop, and the most terrifying doll since Chucky. But Whit and Boog don’t seem disturbed at all and play a game of pool while it creepily sits near them. Bon shows up carrying cupcakes with little skulls on top and asks Boog and Whit if they want to do some shots. She also seems not to notice the freaky baby that is about to come to life and stab everyone in the room.

Whitney kicks her mom to the curb, confirming Bon’s worst fear; Whit doesn’t want to hang out with her anymore. Bon, not to be bossy, but your worst fear should be that doll eating you.

Cut to Connie’s used clothing store where Leslie is dropping off some items for Con to sell. Les tells her that she’s changing her whole wardrobe and would like her help with styling, but not in her store, in a store with new clothes.

On the couch, Connie tells us what she thinks of Leslie’s wardrobe.

If there is anyone who needed a fashion intervention, it is Leslie. And we are talking emergency. 911. Now.

Said the woman who once wore this?

Connie wonders why Kalyn isn’t at the bakery, Leslie updates Con on her goddaughter’s recent decision to quit her job without having another one lined up. Kalyn gets defensive and tells Connie that she was miserable, but on a positive note, she was able determine that liking cupcakes doesn’t necessarily make it a vocational fit.

Back at Woodhaven, Melissa and Maddie chat with Kalyn about her employment status.

Maddie: What would you want your job to be?

Melissa: If you’re going to explore, you want to think about your top 5 things.

Kalyn: I like doing makeup. I’ve been scuba diving a few times and that was really cool. So, maybe something with marine biology. I like riding horses.

Kalyn, I think I know where you’ll be in 15 years.

Mel gets Kalyn a job on a ranch where she dresses like Daisy Duke to shovel horse dung. Leslie is less than happy. Not about Kalyn’s new career in the animal feces industry, but about Melissa helping Kalyn.

Next, we’re in the Woodhaven locker room where Leslie confronts Mel about meddling with Kalyn and getting her the job at the ranch. And just when we thought the blurred-out double birdie Mel shot was the end of this discussion, Melissa tells Les why she’s emotionally invested in helping Kalyn.

Contrary to what you believe, I really do have Kalyn’s best interest at heart. I see myself in her. I grew up very, very poor and I had tons of obstacles. And I was sexually and physically abused as a kid. If I can help her, I’m gonna help her.

Viewers were touched. We felt Mel’s pain. Really, we did. But raise your hand if you wondered why that led to her getting Kalyn a poo-shoveling job.

Seconds later, Melissa made me a lifelong fan when she admitted to Les, “I’ve been very ugly to you. I hear myself say things and I’m like, I’m not that person.” They agree to forgive each other and shake hands to being cordial in the future.

Cut to the suburbs where the crab boil is in full swing. Bonnie shows up dressed like a crab. She and Whitney undergo a secret mission to set the entrees free in the yard, about a five-hour drive from the nearest coastline. As luck would have it, the rescue operation is easily concealed as bigger drama heats up, courtesy of Nikki.

Nikki slithers over to Cindy and tells her about the conversation on the tennis court in which Cindy’s daughter, Alex, along with Maddie and Shaye, asked age-appropriate questions regarding alcohol. Nikki told Cindy, “I’m pretty sure they were asking us to buy them alcohol.”

Cindy grabs Melissa and Dee, the moms of the other two curious girls, and shares with them what Nikki has told her. They bring the girls in for a talk. Alex and Shaye explain that they were just curious and were not asking for anyone to buy them alcohol.

Alex: We wouldn’t just lie to your faces.

DeAynni: Shaye lies to my face on a daily basis.

Shaye: Mom, you need to calm down.

DeAnnyi: I’m fed up with the trickiness, the deceitfulness, I’ve had it.

Shaye: It was just a conversation…

But Shaye never finished that sentence because, reminiscent of last season, DeAynni hauled off and slapped the daylights out of her. Mel jumped in front Dee and blocked her from reaching Shaye again. Dee finally manages to physically pull Shaye from the house and as they make their way to the car, DeAynni shouts at Shaye, “You stupid idiot, I don’t know what the heck your problem is.”

Cindy follows them: You cannot hit that child.

DeAynni: It’s when I get her home that you need to worry about.

Dee promised via Twitter that there is a loving end to this saga with a lesson learned and she urges us to keep an open mind. I’ll do my best, DeAynni, but I’m pretty rigid on my views of child abuse and anything less than court ordered parenting classes will likely fall short of what I consider an acceptable conclusion. Just sayin’.

Based on scenes of next week’s episode, it looks like Bon ditches the crab costume to become an Indian and Kalyn visits Booger for a tattoo “in the vagina region.”

Do you think DeAynni crossed the line?