The Big Rich Texas season 3 finale begins in the bar at Woodhaven Country Club. Cindy has something she wants to discuss with Bonnie so she’s called a meeting. As we overlook the fact that real socialites would be lunching in a low crime area as opposed to boozing it up mid-day at an establishment surrounded by barbed wire, Bon places her order, “I’ll have a Bacardi and Diet Coke with 2 cherries.”
Cindy recalls Bonnie warning her about Leslie at the chili cook-off last week and has called this meeting to get the skinny. Bonnie doesn’t mind filling her in.
Leslie told Connie, and I don’t know if this is true or not, and you do not even have to tell me because it’s not my business, but she told Connie that you’ve been to rehab twice and that you were gonna lose Alex at some point.
Cindy is stunned and wants to make sure Bon knows the truth.
I did not. Go. To. Rehab.
We believe you Cindy, you drink in every episode so you’re either telling the truth or it was a super crappy clinic. But Cindy wants to prove it and vows to find the source of the rumor.
Cut to Ashley-the-transvestite-life-coach getting the update from Kalyn-the-grammar-snob-sniper concerning last week’s visit to Dan-the-Lazy-Boy-sectional-Dad.
It hurt a lot but at the same time it felt relieving.
Now Cindy is meeting with Leslie. So…another round of drinks!
Cindy: Did you start the rumor that I went to rehab twice and my daughter was almost taken away from me?
Leslie: Are you kidding me? That is absolutely not true. That is an absolute bald-faced lie.
Leslie commits to proving her innocence.
Next, Whitney arrives at Bonnie’s house and without saying hello she grabs a family pack of Kraft Easy Mac from the pantry.
Bon: Hey, what are you doin’?
Whitney: Comin’ to shop.
Bon: You’re going grocery shopping in my pantry?
Jason enters and Whit confronts him about not giving his blessing on the proposal, “I have a pickle to pick with you.”
Jason: I just don’t think Booger is husband material.
Whit: Why is he not husband material?
Jason: He pierces for a living. Um, I don’t think he can support him and yourself.
Whit: When you were married to her you were makin’ what, 200 bucks a month?
Bonnie: It was $400 a month.
Whit: $400 a month? He makes that in maybe a week.
Whitney, if your fiancé is pulling in $400 per week, that means his annual salary of $20,800 is only very slightly above the poverty line ($19,090) for a family of 3 (since we hear you’re expecting). If you throw one more kid in the mix, you’re officially $2,250 below the level of income that this country defines as poor. The good news is, instead of robbing mom’s pantry I think you can rob the grocery store without getting arrested so long as you file some government papers. I hope you voted for Obama.
Kalyn and Paul are strolling through lovely gardens holding hands. We take a quick break on the couch to justify the intensity of this 21-day relationship.
Even though Paul and I have only been dating for 3 weeks, we’ve been really close friends for about a year.
They pause in an opening just large enough for the camera crew to fit comfortably and Paul tells her, “I kinda want to ask you something.”
Paul: Well, I was wondering. Kalyn Nicole, will you marry me? [down on one knee holding ring indicating he didn’t just think this up a minute ago]
She says, “Yeah,” and he twirls her around while viewers place bets on the longevity of this decision.
Cut to NYLO where the ladies, minus Bon and Les, have gathered to create a signature drink for Mel’s new swimsuit cover-up line launch party. Cindy has a bigger agenda.
Everyone knows I love a good cocktail but the real reason I’m here is to grill these girls about whose been spreading this rumor about me.
So she nonchalantly drops the topic into general conversation, “Hey, have you guys heard rumors that I’ve been in rehab twice and almost had my daughter taken away from me?”
Dee and Melissa look surprised, but not Cousin Connie, “[Leslie] told me while we were at dinner and I was like, oh wow, because I felt bad for you.”
Cindy gives them a play-by-play of her investigation to date revealing that Bonnie was the one who told her about the rumor and that Leslie claims “Bonnie is totally lying.” Cindy tells Connie that Les also called her a “total liar.”
Cindy, while I respect your factual approach to solving this mystery, you could soften the delivery a bit. It’s almost like you’re stirring things up for a finale brawl.
Suddenly Connie has a name for Mel’s signature cocktail and tells the bartender, “We need you to make a Les-lie drink.” Get it? Les. Lie.
DeAynni inspires his creativity, “Yeah, something to kick everyone’s ass because they’re full of sh**.”
Cindy recognizes her dilemma is far greater than her public association with Dee.
I know Leslie has had issues with the other girls before but she’s always been pretty straight with me and I’ve kind of had issues with the other girls myself. So, I don’t know who to believe.
Melissa’s big night is finally here and the ladies are getting seated for the fashion show. Les shouts to Cindy that she has saved her a seat but Dee hollers louder, “Get over here gurl, yeaaaah!” Cindy picks Team Connie.
After the hired models have strutted Mel’s designs, Maddie closes the show, sportin’ a face reminiscent of Ramona Singer’s infamous walk down the runway.
And the party begins. Everyone is drinking, congratulating Melissa, and celebrating friendship. Especially Whitney who darts across the bar to Kalyn and Paul ready for her weekly confrontation, “So I heard at the pool today that you’re engaged now.”
Kalyn: Yeah, we are.
Whit: Why are you tryin’ to steal my f****** thunder?
Kalyn: Your thunder?
Whit: Yeah, my thunder. I feel like everything that has to do with you is a competition.
Kalyn: Yes, I told Paul, you need to propose to me on this day just so I can compete with Whitney.
Whit: Yes, you probably did.
Whitney, shut up. This is baby fighting compared to what’s unraveling on the other side of the room.
Leslie: Why didn’t you want to sit next to me?
Cindy: I still don’t know what to think and everyone has still been filling my head full of so much.
Leslie: I actually went and took a polygraph.
On the couch, Les explains.
A polygraph is the same thing as a lie detector test and I took the liberty to have it done at my own expense to prove to Cindy that I had nothing to do with the vicious lies.
Connie approaches the ladies having a private conversation.
Connie: You’re a disgrace to our family.
Leslie: Are you kidding me?
Connie: No I’m not f****** kidding, you’re a lying f****** bitch. Everything that comes out of your f****** mouth is a lie.
Leslie: This whole rehab thing, you really think that I said that?
Connie: OH! I was standin’ with your stupid ass on the curb and you said it.
I thought you were at dinner when she said it but whatever.
Leslie: That is an absolute lie.
Connie: Nobody believes your stupid ass.
From the couch, Connie lets us know why she morphed into the likes of an angry Jerry Springer guest.
I am not going to let her ruin my reputation in front of my friends.
Connie, since commercial break you’ve used the F word 3 times, said “ass” and “stupid” twice each and “bitch” once. If this is your attempt to save your reputation, you must be auditioning for Redneck Island. Oh but you’re not done, you’re getting physical.
Connie moves in for the kill so the bodyguard jumps between Connie and Leslie. Connie’s sister even tries, unsuccessfully, for a piece of Les. Connie keeps hollering at the top of her lungs, carrying on and on. Leslie pulls out a document and yells, “Read this,” shoving it at Cousin Conn.
Connie throws the polygraph results across the room, still yelling like a tailgating female NASCAR fan. Dee doesn’t want to scramble for the paper so she asks Leslie, “Let’s just hear it, say it.” Leslie tells her, “Just read it.”
Leslie: It’s a polygraph. You’re the one that lied. Read it.
Connie: [unintelligible screaming with multiple, rapid bleeps]
DeAynni looks like a seal out of water floppin’ around trying to get her hands on the polygraph. Cindy has it and can’t unfold it fast enough for Dee. While they read, Bonnie heads to the couch to explain why it doesn’t matter what the results are.
First of all, polygraph tests are not admissible in court. This doesn’t prove anything.
What about the NYLO, are they admissible there?
Connie is screaming.
Burn it. I’ll use it for toilet paper.
Cindy is confused.
I don’t know who my real friends are and which of these women I can actually trust. I don’t know who is lying.
Bonnie is annoyed.
Leslie shouldn’t have attended. I don’t care what she has to say. I hereby evict her from the state of Texas.
Melissa is unsure.
Both Leslie and Connie are adamant that they didn’t start this rumor, maybe neither one of them did. But at this point, honestly, I don’t know who is telling the truth and who is lying.
Leslie is done.
If a certified polygraph can’t convince them that I’m telling the truth, let these girls believe what they want to believe.
And Dee still has really big teeth.
Season 3 closes as viewers around the world shout, WHAT DOES THE POLYGRAPH SAY?