Big Rich Texas: Season Premiere Recap

Season 3 of Style Network’s Big Rich Texas begins with Leslie gliding down the steps of a private airplane. She tells us she has a new boyfriend and has been flying all over the country in this “cute jet.” But she decided to come back to Dallas because she hasn’t spent much time at the country club.

What country club? Oh, Woodhaven. I don’t mean to be a snob, Les, but at really nice clubs, women don’t show side-boob and play chicken in the pool. You might get your socialite juices flowin’ faster at the lake with a 6-pack of Coors and a NASCAR beach towel.

But it’s too late. The cast is already at Woodhaven, lounging on itchy Mexican ponchos from Juarez that the production staff has draped over the outdoor furniture, probably to cover up rust stains. To blend the fiesta gear they went ahead and dressed the bartenders in fake mustaches and sombreros from Party City. Elegant-tay.

Immediately we notice DeAynni is poolside with medical wrap covering her upper arms. Bon, no stranger to cosmetic procedures, inquires. DeAynni is happy to share.

I had the batwings taken off. I’m no longer flying in, I’m drivin’ in.

And just in case you were wondering, she has some other plastic surgeries planned, “After I do the legs, maybe a va-jay-jay reconstruction.”

While pondering how one spells the slang term for an elective vaginal procedure, I paused to reflect on my career choice. Then I wondered if DeAynni shouldn’t prioritize a little better and see if it’s possible to resize her teeth so that they’re proportionate to her head.

But no one else seemed the least bit phased by her jay-jay plans and moved on to more pressing matters.

Bon introduces the next topic, “Where’s Satan?” Obviously she means The Plaintiff, former cast member Pamela Martin Duarte. Connie doesn’t need to ask for clarification and responds, “She’s in Spain.” Which must be the new way to refer to Plano because that’s where Duarte sits in her lair thinking about whom she’ll sue next. Anyway, the women decide Pam should stay in “Spain” and Bon tells us why.

Melissa used to be attached to Pam’s arthritic hip but ever since Satan went back to Hell, I’ve been able to bond with Melissa and she’s a lot of fun.

Conversation quickly shifts to Leslie and her new billionaire boyfriend. Melissa is annoyed and still thinks Leslie lies about every detail of her life. Connie believes the boyfriend might be the fictional Christian Gray from Fifty Shades.

And I believe DeAynni might be drunk, she chimes in.

If that book didn’t make you want to be spanked, I don’t know what does.

Hey, DeAynni, my parents will be reading this, do you mind?

Melissa, please help her stay get classy.

Mel thinks about it, “I don’t want to be spanked, I want to be tied up.” DeAynni, likes where this is headed, “Yeah, I love porn. Hard core porn I love. Loooove it.”

Bonnie, you’re our last hope, mothers across the nation are counting on you to save this deteriorating convo. Bon hears our call, “Go read Harry Potter and detox yourself.” Connie adds, “When Harry Potter starts tying us up, then we’re going to read it.”

So we’re about 5 minutes in and the women have destroyed sex, Harry Potter and Spain.

Cut to Bonnie’s house where it’s clear her husband Jason is in dire need of a haircut. Jason, we can’t see your eyes. Whitney enters but Jason can tell it’s her from the sound of her voice. And based on the subject matter, she’s asking for money.

Bonnie tells us the money is for tuition, for aesthetician school, “She’s going to get her license in Texas and open her own med spa.”

Well, Bon, since your plans for Whit to go to med school turned out to be an epic fail, at least the word “med” will still appear somewhere in her job description. Or maybe she’ll marry a doctor? After all, she just said she has plans with a boy tonight, Brandon, right?

I don’t think Bon approves, she tells Jason, “You know what he goes by, Booger. Nasty mucous in your nose, Booger.” Yeah, I don’t think the odds of a guy named Booger being a physician are super high.

Whitney swoops in to save our impression of her relationship, “I met Booger four years ago on the side of the highway and a few weeks ago he messaged me on Facebook and we started hanging out again.”

Whit, we already need a break from you.

Cut to Frisco where this season’s newbie, Cindy Davis, is hosting Dr. A’s Botox party. Things are in full swing with injections being administered and Bo-tinis (martinis with syringes) being served. The whole thing just screams far north Collin County.

Melissa eavesdrops on Cindy and Leslie getting to know each other. Les shares that she resigned from her position with the Dallas club, Fashionistas. Mel confronts Les, says she was kicked out of the organization, and starts a big scene. Cindy gives Mel the boot and it’s clear Melissa is the new Pam as she leaves shouting out warnings about Leslie.

Back at Bon’s, Whitney brings Booger home. We find out he’s not a doctor, but a body-piercer. And not even a hip one from some eclectic shop in Deep Ellum, but from a tattoo parlor in Lewisville. Seriously. Bon disapproves of the work Booger has done on Whit, adding to her tattoo collection and piercing her approximately 5-7 times, they’ve lost count.

Next, Whitney heads to Lewisville to visit Booger at his suburban tat joint. She wants a new stamp but Boog discourages her, proving he is the voice of reason in her life, which is a really sobering thought. He presents Whit with a gothic girly themed key and asks her to move in with him.  Without hesitation, she slugs him and agrees.

I think he’s the perfect guy because he puts my feelings before his feelings, he’s always trying to make me happy and he has eyebrows that look like little triangles.

Viewers across America reluctantly approve. Could it be that we are forming Team Booger? That remains to be seen. But I’m not wearing a shirt with the word Booger on it unless Caitlin designs a blingy one.

Next, we’re back at Woodhaven watching Connie and DeAynni, still wrapped in post-surgical garb, play tennis. Dee swings awkwardly as if her arms are sewn to her upper body. It was disturbing. But that could be because she was wearing black high-top sneakers.

Leslie comes on the scene and the women discuss the club’s upcoming casino night. Connie tells Leslie that she has the perfect dress for her at the used couture shop. Leslie hesitates.

I love the clothes at your store; they’re amazing. But I’ve decided to just wear new clothes.

Finally someone takes a stand against Conn cramming pre-owned fashion down everyone’s throat. Kudos to you, Les.

Back in Frisco, Whitney meets up with another season 3 addition, Nikki, at One 2 One Restaurant and Bar. Nikki is the daughter of Cindy’s BFF but it seems Cindy likes to hang out with the younger generation, she shows up and teaches them a thing or two about throwin’ back some shots. Whit is surprised by Cindy’s attendance.

It’s one thing to party with your mom but to party with someone else’s mom?

Cindy explains.

Nikki and I hang out all the time, we have since she was like, 17. Now we can do it without permission. Or without lying.

Whitney is sorting through her feelings, “I’m not sure what to think about Cindy, she’s a little cray-cray.” Said the graduate of an online high school who is moving in with a body-piercer named Booger?

Over in a sketchy neighborhood of Fort Worth at Woodhaven Country Club, the casino party is hoppin’.

DeAynni is proud of her event planning but I question her use of red tablecloths in a room with burgundy commercial grade carpet. And we could do without the ginormous playing cards stuck to the wood paneling. Maybe the ladies will distract from the tragic décor with some lowbrow fighting.

Yikes, Booger missed the memo about cocktail attire and showed up with his baseball cap turned to the side and his tattoos hangin’ out.  Lucky for him, Melissa just shouted at Leslie.

Mel: Gold digger. You’re a Gold digger for the old man you’re dating.

Leslie: I’m not dating an old man, he is my contemporary and I am not a gold digger because I have enough gold, I don’t have to be.

Wait, Les, you’re saying you would be a gold digger if you didn’t have your own money? They keep calling you a liar but I think shallow is a more accurate description.

And Mel, really? You’re going to do this again?

The two women scream at each other, Leslie throws the first drink. Melissa tosses the second drink. Leslie chunks her glass on the floor.

Bonnie weighs in.

I get it, they both threw their drinks on each other but then Leslie had to go the extra mile to take her glass and throw it at Melissa’s feet to try to injure her. That is not appropriate.

That’s what you find inappropriate about this exchange, Bon?

Clips of season 3 leave viewers with the impression that Bonnie finally moves Jason’s bangs to the side, Cindy hits on Tyler, Leslie becomes a nun, and Kalyn holds some sort of religious ceremony in which guests wear white and assault one another.

Which Texan are ya’ll rooting on this season?