Season Premiere Recap: No Excuses

Season Premiere Recap: No Excuses

The Biggest Loser kicked off its 13th season Tuesday night and I sat down  to watch with my two large pizzas and three 2 liters of Coke like I always do.

Hey, it’s a two-hour show.

This season, called the Season of No Excuses, we’re treated with a twist. For this go-around, the teams have been split up and will compete against each other. At least for now. I know your tricks, Biggest Loser, you’ll end up putting them back together. Then breaking them up again. Or swapping trainers. Or making them train alone. You’ll do something to stir drama. Just don’t bring back Caroline Rhea. Ever. That’s all I ask.

Before the contestants learned about the twist they first had to get in the gate. Sami Brady is standing guard outside the ranch and tells the contestants they have to compete to get through the gate. Only nine of the ten teams there will make it on to the ranch. But it’s OK — you know the one team that doesn’t make it always gets to come back later in the season. Even NBC isn’t evil enough to completely psych out a team of people in dire need of improving their health.

So the first round is a 40-yard dash. The first four teams to complete the race get right onto the ranch. The Blue, Orange, Brown and Yellow teams finish the race first, securing their places on the ranch.

The remaining six teams are now forced to put together a puzzle to determine the next four to make it through the gates. A puzzle, you ask? It’s not as lame as it sounds. Almost, but not quite. I promise. The Grey, Red, Purple and Green teams finish first and are safe.

So it’s down to the Pink and Aqua teams. They’re given an endurance challenge. So the team that stays balanced on the edge of their barrel the longest will take the final spot. And that spot goes to the Pink team. The Aqua team is going home.

The nine teams go through the gate and leave the Aqua team to collect their thoughts and go. Sami Brady tells them if they lose 50 pounds total in one month, they can rejoin the cast. Told you.

We finally get to see the overly-dramatic trainer entrances that we long for each season. This season that new guy comes in on a helicopter and Bob races in on a motorcycle. So much masculinity you’d think Jillian Michaels had returned.

Sami Brady tells the contestants they get to spend two hours working out with both trainers to decide who they want to work with. No one asks the question: what if we all pick Bob? So there much be a twist ahead (pretend I didn’t already tell you about the twist in the first paragraph).

The workout begins and we get the usual first workout of lots of sweating, crying and vomiting. And that’s OK, because in a couple weeks, they’ll own that gym floor. Sami comes back and delivers the twist. The contestants are NOT happy about that. They don’t want to be split up from their partners and I don’t blame them. I’d be pissed, too. Everyone quickly sees the bigger picture (they too know it won’t last. They’ve seen this show before). So half the contestants pick Bob and the other half pick Dolvett (did you know I was so good at math?).

It’s already time for the last chance workout. Lots of blood, sweat and tears. And Bob screaming. I think Dolvett might have screamed too, but when he opens his mouth all I can think about is that beautiful smile and kitties. He’s so good looking it’s distracting. I’m not kidding. Here, look:

Told you.

Uh-oh, time for the weigh-in. Bob’s black team is up first. Bob’s sweating right away because people are only dropping 6 and 11 pounds. Usually the first weigh-in the numbers are higher. The team ended up losing a total of 103 pounds or 3.15 %. Dolvett might actually be able to redeem himself from all the weigh-ins he lost last season.

His Red team gets on the scale and the numbers are very similar to Bob’s team. It seemed like almost everyone lost 9 pounds. Then Buddy pulls a 22-pound loss, putting the Red team’s total at 103 pounds also, but at 3.98 %. So the Red team wins. Black team will have to vote to send someone home.

The Black team doesn’t have much of a decision to make as Ben falls on his sword and offers to go home. Seriously? No one ever tries to run during the FIRST episode. I was about to throw things at the TV until the update showed he’s lost 50 pounds at home so far. Good job, Ben. I don’t hate you now.