This week on The Biggest Loser we learned these valuable lessons:
If you’re going to be on a reality show, you should probably at least catch some previous episodes on You Tube. At least. This week two members from each team went with Sami Brady into room to do a little gambling. The teams had to make a wager on how much weight they could lose as a team. The Red Team, in the hands of Kim and Kimmy, decided they could lose 94 pounds or 3.8%. The black team folds. OF COURSE they fold. Everyone knows no body loses weight in week 2 on The Biggest Loser! Have Kim and Kimmy ever seen the show? If the Red Team does win the bet, they get a 5-pound advantage at weigh-in. If they lose, the Black Team gets it.
Dr. Huizenga will make you feel like you’re going to die. No matter who you are. This week The Biggest Loser doctor drops by for his usual scare tactics. I’m a big enough hypochondriac as it is, so the last thing I need is Dr. Scary making me think my body is going to explode at any time! Someone give me an aspirin and a defibrillator ASAP!
Don’t listen to The Biggest Loser nutritionist. I know that sounds like bad advice, but this woman’s menu is boring even for a nutritionist. Don’t eat sushi, eat a turkey sandwich. Don’t eat pizza, eat a whole grain tortilla. Don’t eat pasta, eat green beans. Come on. I know they’re on a weight loss show, but can’t you be a little more inventive? Where’s Chef Curtis Stone? He knows how to make healthy food that still looks as good as he does.
Bob Harper invented working out. Didn’t you know that? Me either. But apparently he did. Because this week he claimed that rival trainer Dolvett ripped off his workouts from seasons past. “Oh my God! It’s like I just looked at all my workouts he does,” Bob said. “It’s like he’s watched every season of mine, and he does all my shit in front of me. Drives me nuts!” I think someone might be a tiny bit jelly of Dolvett’s million dollar smile. Hello, diva!
Be sure you know which reality show you’ve signed up for. I’m pretty sure contestant Mike took a wrong turn on his way to Intervention and ended up on The Biggest Loser. First of all we learn that he rubs (or chews or whatever you do with it) snuff. Still. While competing on The Biggest Loser. Not even kidding. Then we find that he also has a “problem with alcohol.” And he doesn’t know how to share his feelings. And he thinks he looks like Alec Baldwin.
After all of our lessons were learned, it was time for the weekly weigh-in. Remember, the Red Team thinks they can lose 94 pounds in week 2. They don’t. They lose 52. And since they lost, the Black Team gets the 5-pound advantage. But just because they didn’t win the bet, doesn’t mean they can’t win the weigh-in. Of course they don’t win the weigh-in. The Red Team does, thanks only to that 5-pound advantage. Doh. At least maybe Bob will be in a better mood next week since his team didn’t lose another weigh-in.
So the Red Team will have to vote someone to go home. Luckily for Kim and Kimmy, Mike pissed everyone off more this week or they probably would’ve been sent packing after making that stupid 94-pound wager. Mike says goodbye and promises to quit doing snuff.
During the update, we learn that Mike has lost 56 pounds since leaving the ranch but still has an addiction to smokeless tobacco and who knows what else. I’ll let you know if he shows up on Intervention.