‘Buckwild’ MTV: Series Premiere Recap

If you’re like me when you first saw a preview of MTV’s Buckwild you had visions of Planned Parenthood, whipits, malt liquor and B.O.

We’re probably not that far off.

The show, MTV’s new hillbilly lovechild, is taking the place of the phenomenally successful Jersey Shore. It follows a group of 20-somethings from Sissonville, West Virginia who like to party, flirt and fight. Sorry, it’s not a show about Rock of Love’s Becky Buckwild. But it’s about as classy as if it were.

TOP BUCKWILD MOMENTS of EPISODE ONE:

The Tease: Cara is the new girl of the group and when she’s introduced to the guys they immediately gush over her and ask her if she likes “muddin’.” Shain, the super country bumpkin (MTV, please, we need subtitles!) says, “Well, you ain’t never been muddin’ with me!” The Bieber kid adds, “I’ll let you ride in the front seat!” Cara appeases them both by replying, “I can sit in the middle of you both.” Yeah, she’s the slutty one. Joey later hopes, “I hope I git it first!”

Oh, what’s that? I shouldn’t call her a slut? Um, well it took me about a half a second to find this floating around:

The Neighbor: The girls have their own place and they invite the boys over for a drunken party. Their neighbor is already pissed off and once she hears them she is on their front door having a bitch fit. Anne takes over and tries to reason with the woman who is yelling her words and throwing her palm in Anne’s face. After a few minutes of this Anne loses her shit and it’s a 20-year-old versus a 40-year-old throw down. This show may be scripted, but that was real rage. The screams coming from Anne were simply primal. The ladies got an eviction notice the very next day. Scripted? Yeah, probably.

Buckwild Hillbilly Antics: No moonshine, but there was muddin’ (four wheeling), which consisted of the guys driving a crappy truck like a wild banshee down dirt roads and through mud pits, all with the girls in the back, flying around like rag dolls. Their Solo cups all managed to stay upright somehow though.

Unlike Jersey Shore, these kids go “clubbing” in an empty tavern. Ashley grinds on Anne’s leg while wearing a short skirt. She then says, “I’m not wearing any underwear!” That’s all I remember about that scene. I had to leave the room for a minute.

The community pool is a dump truck that the guys borrow. Even more impressive is the dirty mattress left on the truck bed before they line it with a massive piece of plastic before filling it up. The girls are so impressed that a couple of them let the guys see their fun bags.

Sex in Your Bed: Tyler is the winner of Cara’s poon for the time being and the new couple slipped away and had sex in Anne’s bed at the girls’ new place. Katie told Anne she heard them having sex loudly and “for a long time.” Anne freaks out and confronts Cara, who is so kindly making everyone chili. Cara storms out, refusing to talk. “Fine! Make your own chili!” she screams as she stomps her way to her vehicle, trying to burnout as she’s pulling out of the dirt driveway. You can’t make this shit up.

Anne confronts Tyler who looks at her with a blank stare and just says, “I’m sorry,” with zero sincerity.

Stay tuned, I’ll be recapping next week’s episode as well! In the meantime….