You know how dreams always seem like a disconnected random series of scenes that jump around in a nonsensical way without clear meaning? That’s what this episode of The Celebrity Apprentice is like.
First we start with the “interviews.” What exactly is the point of these interviews? Brett Michaels sounds and looks like hell, Joan Rivers barely speaks at all and Piers Morgan just comes across as a dick. More importantly; the producers, Donald Trump and the entire viewing audience already knows that Marlee Matlin and John Rich will be the final two. To make poor Meatloaf and Lil’ John go through this charade is just demeaning and an utter waste of time.
At least Lil’ John understands that these bullshitty interviews are just for show and pretty much tells the panel he knows John and Marlee will be in the final two because he lives on planet earth and basically knows what’s up. Sadly, Meatloaf is still delusional and actually pleads his case to the board. Poor old Meat. He has a sweet soul.
Next up we have a boardroom. Trump mutters some impossibly unfair BS about Lil John being fired because he’s being too complacent (read: realistic) about his impending firing. It’s unfair and stupid, but inevitable. Lil John is fired and on his way out Meatloaf like, gropes him and kisses his hand and pretty much jerks him off in an awkward attempt at saying goodbye. Creepy.
Trump babbles a bit more then tells Meatloaf he’s a big fat crybaby, so peace out. Meat starts crying again. John Rich and Marlee Matlin gloat with pleasure.
The final task
7-UP is going retro and Marlee and JR must create a full marketing plan for the brand utilizing the 70s and the Harlem Globe Trotters and the 80s and Def Leppard, respectively. Some of the old batshit contestants are brought back and JR picks a dream team including the cunning task master Star Jones, creative genius Lil John and all-around good guy Mark McGrath. Insanely or maybe because she just smoked a bushel of crack, Marlee selects a total motley crew of jokesters including the emotional and creative disaster known as Meatloaf, the sweet but useless Lotoya Jackson and the even more comically useless Richard Hatch. Oy.
John Rich and his team get off to a rip roaring start coming up with a catchy slogan, an eye popping design for the marketing materials and a well planned promotional video starring 80s hair band legend Dee Snider. Meanwhile Marlee’s team has been hijacked by the mind of Meatloaf and it’s a mess. People are running around in afros, bell bottoms and super hero costumes for no reason at all while Marlee is busy staring at pictures of herself holding their dumb soda can. Meatloaf flips out and threatens to destroy an innocent cell phone while everyone looks on, speechless, terrified and embarrassed. It’s totally anarchy and at one point Richard Hatch even makes fun of the entire concept while laughing in his team’s face.
It looks like curtains for Marlee but the teaser for next week shows John Rich losing his shit, Def Leppard going missing and Donald Trump looking generally displeased with life. All these things sound fabulous to me so I look forward to tuning in to see the second to last episode of this star-studded trainwreck.