The first episode of The Celebrity Apprentice is already a total trainwreck, making it easily the best season so far.
The teams are separated into men versus women, and they start out by picking the worst two names in the history of the show. The men choose the moniker “backbone” and the women choose ASAP, an acronym so stupid they can’t even articulate what it means, or even say what the name actually is in the boardroom. I think it was ASAP – A Sad Attempt at being Poignant or As Sad as Platoon, or Actually Stupid Apprentice Presentation. Lisa Rinna is the only one smart enough not to like her team name, but she’s also savvy enough not become an early dissenter.
The task is to sell pizza, so basically it becomes a pissing match of who can use their star power to raise more money. The women work it harder so they rock the task, while the men bitch and moan about not having friends, who is taking too many smoke breaks and how they don’t like that mean bully Richard Hatch. Boo hoo.
Mark McGrath stands around looking hot and confused, which is fine because he’s pretty enough to play dumb.
Lil John, John Rich and Gary Busey go off in a van to make fliers, or to record an album, or to form their own little triangle of awesome, taking a frightened looking female graphic designer with them for the ride. I have no idea what happens to her or what they do while they’re gone, but I like watching this trio so much that I don’t care.
Star Jones is the girls’ project manager. She’s pretty much an awful dictator wench who reminds me of Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Why don’t any of her wigs seem to fit her head properly? Have you noticed they always seem to be falling off ?
Richard Hatch is arrogant as a project manager, but he’s also smart and very appealing.
David Cassidy is kind of a pussy. Richard Hatch sort of pushes him out of the way during the task and David throws a hissy fit. David also says his daughter “Whats-Her-Face” Cassidy is a big “movie star” which shows he is totally delusional.
Dionne Warwick has no idea where she is. Why anyone would have her operate any piece of technology is beyond me. She’s tasked to work the credit card machine which is hilarious because she is totally confused. I think she normally uses an abacus.
LaToya Jackson acts fairly normal this episode so I’m pretty sure we can expect the crazy to be let out of the bag next week. This week, the part of crazy is played by Gary Busey, as expected.
Nikki Taylor is named MVP for doing pretty much nothing. I think she made pizza for like 8 hours or something. Good job?
The girls catfight a little in the boardroom and Trump looks pleased he caused all this unnecessary drama before revealing that it doesn’t matter anyway, because the ladies won. They women didn’t just win; they slaughtered the men’s team, doing more than double their sales. Vagina power!
Star Jones was okay as a project manager, but the way she tries to throw Lisa Rinna under the bus for her own poor planning, shows she’s weak in character. I disliked her on The View and I dislike her more on The Apprentice.
The guys start to defend themselves and they all point their grubby little fingers at Hatch. Conseco reveals his utter stupidity when he accuses Richard Hatch of “striking” David Cassidy, which is such a gross exaggeration that it borders on being an outright lie. Jose is a thick-necked thug with the brain the size of a pea.
The men of team “Backbone” dogpile on project manager Hatch because they think he’ll be an easy target, but producers know better than to get rid of him. Watching the team hate on Hatch will be good television. I hope Meatloaf tries to stab him. That would be fun to see.
Jose Conseco is a douche. The bedazzled nightmare of an Ed Hardy inspired jacket he wears to the boardroom looks like what an aging divorcee would wear to a Hollywood nightclub… in 2006.
Trump openly hates both Richard Hatch and Jose Conseco and even goes as far as to tell them so in the boardroom. In the end David Cassidy is peaced-out for being a bitch, and rightfully so. Ivanka looks like she wants to tear him to shreds but she spares him her wrath in favor of muttering something to her dad about “letting him off easy.”
Ivanka is a hot bitch. I’m in love.
The preview for next week shows Meatloaf losing his shit, LaToya Jackson screeching like a lunatic and NeNe Leaks hilariously imitating Marlee Matlin doing sign language. I’m so excited for the rest of this season. It truly does look crazy.