When Celebrity Rehab started playing I was sitting on the couch, my ass on the very edge of it, as far close to the television as I could get without
a) sitting on the floor like a child
b) actually attaching myself to said television.
They started with a “PREVIOUSLY, ON CELEBRITY REHAB” sort of thing that made me pine for the days of The OC and basically how much I wanted Peter Gallagher to be my Father on TV, but I digress, for we are not talking about the Cohen’s nor their ne’er-do-well boarder Ryan, but we are in fact talking about Celebrity “Holy Fucking Shit” Rehab: the juggernaut of addiction television that is also addicting television. See what I did there? Jokes, people.
This show was little more than a “guess who’s here?” show, with each of the guest trickling in the way a sad tsunami might trickle into a seaside village. I will present my notes in list format.
* Why the fuck did they show Charlie Sheen during the opening intro? How long will it be until they have him on the show? Let’s face it: this is inevitable. Dude couldn’t be more of a trainwreck if his name was Amtrak. Needless to say, my God, it was good to see him in this context.
* Amy Fischer was the first person to show up, which sort of makes sense, as according to her little “sup y’all” video she’s in dire need of… um… something. A hug. Possibly a cheeseburger. Perhaps both. She is now apparently a porn star +/ a professional Amy Fischer these days, and keeps harkening back to how she got famous. Yes, it was a media circus, but did anyone else notice how much she kept saying “big bad world”? Girl, you are not Red Riding Hood. Some fucked up shit happened to you when you were a teen, sure, but move beyond that. And her exclamation of “I thought everyone blacked out when they drink!” may have gotten laughter at the watching party I was at but damn, girl. If that’s what you really think EVERY time you drink then this… this might be a lot more difficult of a season to watch than I had thought.
* Has anyone noticed how Dr Drew looks like a white Tiger Woods?
* Jeremy Jackson is scary as hell, reminding this correspondent of Every High School Jock Times A Million with a side of Kinda Delusional. He actually yells “TESTOSTERONIIIIIIIIII” at one point - and while it may in fact be the true San Francisco treat – he then ventures on to say that… and I’m not making this up… that there is bisexuality in the drinking water. Let me type that out again. He believes that there is bisexuality in the drinking water. If you are thinking that there is bisexuality in the water, my friend, you are so far back in the closet you’re finding Christmas presents. Also: dude shoots up cow hormones. I’m just saying. That is some scary shit.
* Bai Ling shows up next. I actually met Bai Ling once. She was rather pleasant. This was after she repeatedly told the door guy / people standing by the door / everyone on the way from the limo to the door that she was Bai Ling.
* Bai lights a candle for her Grandma and then writes (with sidewalk chalk, which she totally just “carries around” because “that’s a normal thing to do”) a message for her Grandma outside the Pasadena Recovery Center. This was surprisingly touching.
* Dr Drew, when he interviews people, kinda reminds me of Al Gore
telling a child that Santa doesn’t exist.
* Sean Young was in a slew of great movies and then drank a lot in her mid-to-late 20′s which is kinda something I can relate to without the whole “movie career” part. To be honest she seemed the most normal of the whole group, at least among the ones that showed up this episode (THERE’S GOING TO BE MORE!). Her recounting her nutso career moves (dressing up as Catwoman and accosting people on the set of a Batman movie to hire her as the aforementioned Catwoman, heckling the Directors Guild Of America, I mean, woah) was surprisingly affecting. Perhaps this was because about ten minutes before we saw a grown man exclaim that there was bisexuality in the water.
* Michael Lohan is a piece of shit (sorry) and I can’t find a single reason to like him. Dude has fucked up more than a nymphomaniac in an elevator and is clearly, clearly, VISIBLY jealous of his daughter’s success and seems to be intent on bringing her down with him. What’s his addiction? Cameras? Dude would show up at the opening of an envelope if there was a camera involved. Sorry. Expect more Michael Lohan bashing. He spends his interview with Dr Drew yammering on like a cokehead at sunrise about his piggybacking on his daughter’s career (shamelessly) and insider trading. Dude, just move to Vermont and open a store. Get off the stage.
* This is guilty television in the most absolute definition of the word guilty. This isn’t so much of a trainwreck as it is that one feels like they are contributing to the tranwreck experience. None of this was more apparent than when Steven Adler shows up (well, barely) and Dr Drew’s assistant Jennifer (who had been beat up by Adler in a previous season) has an onscreen panic attack. WHO DOES THAT. WHO DOESN’T TELL SOMEONE ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THIS UNTIL THEY ARE ACTUALLY DRIVING OVER.
* It’s an uncomfortable viewing, is Celebrity Rehab. One can only assume that the participants care more about being on camera than they do about actually overcoming their addictions. Why would someone do this on TV? Perhaps…. drum roll please…. fame is the most dangerous drug of all. Ooooo!
Stay tuned for next weeks recap in which we… well, recap the episode. Duh. Enjoy.