With the wedding just four days away, Don’t Be Tardy For the Wedding is starting to clip along as fast as a runaway bride, offering lots of (mis)haps in a short half hour.
Last night, Kim Zolciak melted down over wedding preparations, posed for a photo shoot, enjoyed her bridal shower and whined about her missing matron of honor — and before we knew it, the episode was ending.
Here are the top 10 highlights:
1. Drinks at noon. Generally, folks wait until after they’ve had some kind of catastrophe before they start drinking in the middle of the day. But Kim foresaw a problem with her wedding decor, so she walked outside with a red, plastic party cup full of wine (!), prepared to deal with…
2. Tent debacle. Because she’d planned on getting married outside in the open, Kim wasn’t pleased to see an enormous tent taking over her entire back yard. The wedding planners erected it in case of rain, but Kim insisted they take it down (and agreed to eat the corresponding $15K that it cost) because “God has me covered. It won’t rain.”
3. Where is Jen? Maybe Kim’s matron of honor was hiding out somewhere with Waldo, but she was again scarce in this week’s episode, only showing up briefly to see Kim get her …
4. Body painting. Far be it from Kim to get Kroy some run-of-the-mill wedding gift. Said she: “I know some brides do pictures in some cheesy ass lingerie. That’s not me. I wanted to incorporate Kroy’s jersey and have it painted on my naked body.” And it was here we witnessed the following exchange: Kim: “How are you gonna cover my nipples?” Makeup artist: “Do you have gumdrops or raisins?” Awesome!
5. Kroy’s family’s reaction to body painting. At the bridal shower, Kim showed everyone — including Kroy’s mom and sister — a sample of her, um, skintimate outfit, and the looks on their innocent Montana faces were priceless. “Oh gosh, that’s kind of crazy,” said Kroy’s mom. “Oh my word,” said his sis. Maybe you had to be there, but it was hi-lar-ious.
6. Gift from grandma. After Kim opened a few sexy pieces of lingerie from friends at the bridal shower (“What are you guys trying to do? Get me pregnant again?”), Kroy’s mom passed Kim the gift from Kroy’s grandma. It was an enormous jar of … wait for it… apple butter! Made by granny’s church! We’re sure grandma intended it to be spread on toast or something, but we’re pretty sure it will find a home someplace much more fleshy.
7. Kandi will sing at the wedding. That’s right, folks. Kim asked Real Housewives of Atlanta co-star and R&B singer Kandi Burruss to belt out the tunes during her nuptials. Which (hopefully) means Kim will stay as far away from the microphone as possible.
8. Sibling play time. Bravo showed a little snippet of Brielle and Arianna playing with little KJ and it was precious. We’ll give Kim this: Her kids are pretty sweet and well-adjusted, all things considered.
9. Go cart bachelor party. First things first: All of Kroy’s groomsmen are his buddies from Montana and they are rough. (You can take the man out of the mountains, honey, but you can’t take the mountain out of the man.) Their idea of a bachelor party was to take Kroy, both families and the wedding party go-cart racing. I’m not even sure how to respond to that.
10. Kroy talks to Jen. When Kim’s matron of honor finally showed up at the go-cart night, Kroy went outside to “handle” her because Kim was too upset. This was the second time we’ve seen Kroy take up for his woman during this series, and we like it. He totally has her (body painted) back.