Finally. I was beginning to think The Glass House was just going to sit there all summer collecting dust. But things are finally starting to happen.
In this week's episode we've got a contestant ready for the mental hospital, a couple of showmances (don't worry, nothing that will make you want to self castrate – yet) and we've got our first religious/political battle brewing. If the first two episodes wouldn't have made me want to set myself on fire, then I might decide I like this show based on this week's episode. MIGHT.
Let me back up for a second. I normally don't say what time an episode I'm recapping starts because I'm not a 7th grader, but this week's episode start time has to be noted. It started at 1o:04 pm. Last week it started at 10:02 pm I think. Each week it starts later and later, making the episodes shorter. Which leads me to believe only one thing: Even ABC hates The Glass House.
After that late start, we're reminded that Apollo and Holly are in limbo and awaiting to hear their fate that has been decided by the viewers. Then we learn that Kevin, Mike and Robin have formed an alliance. And I think we've got our first named alliance of the show. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think Kevin called the trio the Eiffel Trifecta? Someone please correct me. Tell me that's not what I heard. Because it's stupid.
The gang gathers to tell sex stories and Stephanie spoils the fun by telling everyone her husband died. Then Crazy Aunt Robin chimes in and says she was almost murdered, trying to steal Stephanie's moment. Erica calls Robin out on that and everyone just comes off as ridiculous. Everyone in the house thinks Stephanie has already won the game with her story (everyone is forgetting that sob stories and sweet personalities only sell to American television viewers if the person is also hot). And Erica and Robin's spat was almost as terribly acted as the late Are You There Chelsea? on NBC. They're clearly performing here. Insulting.
That spat did put into motion Robin's psychotic meltdown. We're then treated to footage of Robin AJAXing the Glass House floors like Joan and Christina Crawford ALL NIGHT long. She then goes into the diary room, or what ever non-Big Brother word they call it, sobbing with her mascara running all over the place. It was all actually kind of awesome. I think cray cray Robs might just be my new favorite thing about living.
Uh-oh, time to find out if America likes the nerd with the poor strategy or the hot liar. Apollo and Holly are beamed back up and then America's decision is revealed: The hot liar wins. Hot beats all. I told you. Bye-bye Apollo.
Holly runs off and joins that trifecta alliance or something. I don't know. I got too distracted by Joy and Gene's budding showmance. Yeah, they're not the two people I would have predicted as the showmance either. But that was before I knew that Joy was an infantile nympho bisexual who like totally flirts with like everyone and stuff. We get a little montage of Joy and Gene flirting and I might be making this up, but I think there was some footage of Joy dressed like a sexy infant licking a lollypop. Or maybe not. Not sure. All I'm sure of is that I kind of hate her a lot.
Ooh, it's my favorite part of the show! We get to find out who America hates the most! The screen pops up with all their photos, and one by one, the photos disappear until only two remain. This week America continues their hatred for Ashley, but this week she is joined by cray cray Robin. That means they're this week's team captains and instantly at risk for limbo.
For some reason America votes that the players should have to wear winter mittens all day or all week or something. Not sure why that was an option or why America chose it. Can't we vote on whether they should shave their eyebrows or drink Draino? Something a little more exciting?
While they're all walking around wearing mittens, the first legit fight of the season starts. First of all, we're reminded that Andrea actually exists. Who's Andrea, you ask? Don't feel bad, so did I. Anyway, she's going around killing flies with her mittens and token gay Jeffrey calls her out on her death squash since she's a mormon and the Bible says thou shalt not kill. While I admit that's kind of ridiculous, I understand how hard it is to pick a fight. Sometimes you've just really got to work for it to get a good battle going. He succeeded.
So it went from killing flies to Andrea being a big ole homophobe who voted yes on Prop 8 (the California ban on gay marriage). And this is a legitimate fight. And I've got a visual aid:
That's Andrea out spreading hate with her kids. Awwww. Cute!
Anyway, she goes on to say that she doesn't judge Jeffrey for being gay and doesn't even believe it's a choice FOR EVERYONE (she's so progressive!) but thinks it is a choice to act on homosexuality, therefore admitting that she thinks its wrong to be gay. She adds nothing new to this fight and Jeffrey clearly wins the round.
Before the end of the episode we learn that Ashley and Kevin support Andrea's beliefs, which might guilt them by association for some people. I'm not saying I feel that way. I'm just saying. Ashley shouldn't be taking sides in this battle. America hates her enough already. And Kevin WAS shaping up to be my favorite. But he did and said some things in this episode to remind me that I don't like this show enough to have a favorite.
Up next is showmance #2. This time it's Kevin and Erica and it's not really a showmance. It's more of a drunken sloppy make out session. And then things got weird and things get even weirder with that later. You'll see.
And now this recap is getting way longer than it deserves so I'll abbreviate the challenge into a big run-on sentence: Team Ashley and Team Robin have to play another stupid game that's neither funny, gross nor interesting and America again votes and picks the most boring things possible and Team Ashley wins and Robin will head to limbo.
It's time for “Fanswers.” This week ABC throws in a Bachelor crossover and I don't really care to google who they are, so let me skip to the best part. Holly asked the viewers if they want her on the show or not. The answer was “no.” Which means they must have really hated Apollo since they sent him home this week instead of her. Poor Apollo.
Who will join Robin in limbo? Let's find out. Can I just say that I HATE the way they vote? It might be my least favorite thing about the show. I hate how Joy draws a heart with her stupid little fingers and breaks it. I hate how people shoot with their finger guns. I hate how Andrea or that other bland person who might as well be faceless pretends to kill a ball at the screen.
The votes are in and it's a tie between Erica and Andrea. Kevin, who just made out with Erica, voted for Erica. So much for that showmance. For some reason Robin, the person already in limbo breaks the tie. Really? WHY? In what kind of production meeting is this decided as the tie-breaker? It makes no sense. And it's terribly unfair. Why should the other person in limbo get to pick the person they think will be easier to beat? Oh, because they're all stupid and will all make the wrong decision like Robin? OK, I get it.
So yeah, Robin picked Erica and if she was smart, she'd have picked Andrea, who no one really knew existed until her anti-gay marriage rant. Oh who cares. We all know Stephanie is going to win now anyway. And by Stephanie, I mean Holly. Because she's hot.
What did you think of this week's episode? Who do you think will “leave the Glass House forever (said in monotone robo-constipation voice),” Erica or Robin?