Nobody likes a copycat! So we will call The Glass House a “spin-off” or a “sidequel”. Nah. Let’s just call it a copycat…and a bad one at that. But all name-calling aside, as a reality fan I will watch the first episode (at a minimum). Hopefully the actual show is better than what we’ve been subjected to on the “live stream” feeds thus far.
Now. All name-calling allowed, as a BB alum and winner, I’m gonna break down the 14 “players” (let’s not call them HGs…some respect for Big Brother please) for you. Yes. I actually sat and read through all the poorly-written bios (although the bag of Doritos by my side did help ease the pain)…
ALEX: He’s 25 and loves to rap free-style in his free time when he’s not bailing people out of jail for a living. He’s got 2600 Facebook friends and lives by “Go big or go home”. Right. He also likes the number 99 a lot and prefers to be called either ”Prime Time 99” or “99man”. For the sake of conserving my 140 Twitter characters let’s just call him Alex. Alex also loves to use the word “baby” when speaking…as in his being “on the grind, all the time, baby” or “be prepared to get some South in yo mouth, baby”. Um, charming. I like to think I can control what “some” I get in my mouth, thank you very much. He tells us we shouldn’t miss what he’s “about to do in The Glass House”. Perhaps he means to have a heart attack while he’s in there because he also shares with us in his bio that he has steak and shrimp on a daily basis. I hope he’s prepared for whatever slop copycat ABC has in store for him.
ANDREA: She’s 31 and like me, has a very respectable and manageable 200 friends on Facebook. She’s into dirt-bike riding when she’s not bookkeeping at her parents tire shop. Her motto is also “Go big or go home”…unless some ABC intern screwed things up and just copy/pasted 99BottlesOfBeerOnTheWall’s motto accidentally. Judging from the state of everyone’s bios and the multiple errors on ABC’s Glass House site, I wouldn’t be surprised. But anyway…Andrea sounds way too cool to have to be subjected to this Wanna-Be-BB show. But alas, she chose to be cast.
APOLLO: He’s 28 and has, of course, 5000 friends on Facebook. Layoff the Farmville dude. His motto is “One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching.” which he wants us to fin ohhhhh so clever. Considering his “dream” was always “to win The Glass House”, I’m assuming that he’s not only a Poet/Author but also a Fortune Teller. Hey! The Glass House Fortune Teller! Cool! He also “plays” the Rocky theme song in his bio for us, which is ironic because his name is Apollo. Um. And then he goes off on a cheese-and-whine-accompanied-by-violin-and-all-woe-is-me rant about being “homeless and robbed at gunpoint (hopefully not at the same time because that would be one STUPID mugger), having countless health issues yet finding the strength and determination to be (get ready for this): “An author, poet, photographer, poker player, magazine columnist, magician, rapper, certified life coach, activist, public speaker, entrepreneur and film-maker!” He forgot to add “hot mess”.
ASHLEY: She’s 30, with a whopping 2300 Facebook friends and had her thumbnail photo on the ABC page saved as “Ahsley” and not “Ashley”. Good going ABC intern. Her motto is “Even among the brightest stars, there’s always one that outshines them all…BE THE SUN!” while later she says she “doesn’t want to dim anyone else’s light in order to outshine others”. Um, make up your mind dude. According to her, she’s got a brain so don’t let her sweet face fool you. Um, okay. I didn’t know sweet faces correlated to missing brains, but whatevs, BE THE SUN!
ERICA: She’s 27 and a former English major turned law school dropout turned cocktail waitress. Of course. I just hope she adds “VIP” in front of that cocktail soon, maybe then she will surpass her more than 900 Facebook friends. BE THE SUN! Wait, no…her motto is “Dance like nobody’s watching…unless millions of people are, in which case, ya know, have a brief and tasteful tap routine ready”, which is as contrived and try-too-hard as the rest of her bio. I think we saw some of this on the live-streaming, yes? Apparently the world has never quite been the same since she arrived into the world at 11:02 am on April 17th, 1985 with the social security number 150-61-4701 and mother’s maiden name “Brown” (okay, everything after 1985 I made up). She grew up with “pervasive psoriasis”, yowza, and only hung out in finished basements (as opposed to unfinished ones I guess). Seems creative but too full-of-herself. Kind of like me. How annoying.
GENE: He’s 28 and works as a stuntman, which is pretty damn cool. He likes to wakeboard for fun, perhaps with one of his 1700 Facebook friends. “Only the dash matters” is his motto and although I have no idea what that means, I all-of-a-sudden-want-to-go-dash-crazy! He not only goes by “Hollywood”, but apparently it’s synonymous with “Gene”! Holy Roget’s Thesaurus! Sigh. And just when we thoughut a wake-boarding stuntman wasn’t enough of a description for “Hollywood”…we’re told he’s also a Wrestler, Professional Driver, Bodyguard, Director, Social Event Sponsor/Promoter and more! Like, what, does he also hold the key to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory? He’s also a part of the New Life Church, which creeps me out because I used to go to New Life sleepaway camps as a little girl. It’s where I heard my counselor say “I want you” to another counselor and boy did she mean it in a biblical senseHis bio goes on for three more webpages but I’ll summarize it for you: He thinks he’s the best thing since ribbed condoms.
HOLLY: She’s 21 and in “retail sales” so I’m trying to figure out if she works at Abercrombie or The Gap. She’s into belly dancing and ABC wants us to know she has 217 friends on Facebook. Seriously, what’s up with the freaking Facebook stuff?! Who even CARES about Facebook anymore?! Their mobile app has gone to SHAT ever since their IPO investors threw a fit about having no advertising on the mobile app. Wait. I digress. Yeah. Holly…”Sometimes living the unexpected in life makes the journey figuring out all the worthwhile” is her motto, and I’m pretty sure that’s complete grammatical trash. She is a self-proclaimed “Yakety Yak” but also ethically Babylonian and speaks Aramaic. This will totally help her get votes in The Glass House. Yeah. She wants to touch others by helping those who are less fortunate, which confuses me because I want to know who “others” is. Oh, and she has a twin. And she exudes an “infectious energetic quality”, which worries me because I think some safe-sex talks are in order with this young lady.
JACOB: He’s 28 and loves “dredging for gold” for his 2600 Facebook friends. Yes. Dredging for gold because up until four months ago he’s lived in some coastal Oregon town where gold is aplenty? Anyway. He wants us to know he’s 6’2” with brown hair and blue eyes (in case we miss it on Monday) and he just moved to Hollywood to pursue his dreams…that have to do with “taking care of his great body”. Porn? Gay porn? Well, he wants to be “able to get and do” what he wants “without worrying about money”. So…yeah…porn? Gay porn? He should just find a cubby bear sugar daddy…it would make his motto “Do more for others than you do for yourself” make A LOT of sense. Because he also “gets high on doing something nice for people”…kinda like when I give my hubby head with expecting nothing in return. BE THE SUN!
JEFFREY: He’s 35 and currently living in Brooklyn, and he may be my fav. His motto is: I don’t look at the glass to see if it’s half empty or half full. I ask, “Are there free refills?” Well, that’s it. I think I love him. He used to be a paraeducator for people with disabilities until he lost his job due to budget cuts. He loves “collecting kitsch” and has 100 Facebook friends and often hosts game nights, themed brunches and silly hat parties. Yeah. He’s definitely my fav thus far.
JOY: She’s a 27-year old nurse and can tie a shoe with her bare feet. If she can tie a cherry stem with her labia she’s Howard Stern Gold! She’s only got 850 Facebook friends, which surprises me because she’s posed for Playboy six times and her motto is “The world is your oyster…slurp it up”. Right. She’s a single mom but still manages to “travel, meet new people and go to Playboy Golf events around the country”. Personally, I think the first two “loves” are redundant…you’d assume she’d have to travel and meet new people at Playboy Golf events anyway. Oh, did I mention she mentioned Playboy a lot? She also makes a “mean banana cream pie” but only so she can follow it up with the fact that she likes to “wear whip cream bikinis”. Zzzzz…been there, seen that, talk to me when you’ve worn a lettuce bikini.
KEVIN: He’s 33 and a police sergeant, when he’s not walking around “looking like Ryan Gosling” in his spare time. He’s got 300 Facebook friends and lives by the motto “Get busy living or get busy dying.” Yikes. Intense, much? He’s actually a narc, and so he will never be welcome in my home. He says later in his bio, that, “If you’re not having fun, what’s the point?” So I guess he’s saying you can have fun busy dying? I don’t know. I just want to BE THE SUN!
MIKE: He’s 48, and a bar mitzvah DJ in Pembroke, MA. The last time I checked, which was on Google just a few minutes ago, Pembroke is 97.89% white. I guess that’s at lot of Jewish households in there somewhere? He’s got 100 Facebook friends, which he chats with using his double-jointed fingers and lives by the motto “Always remember I’m unique, just like everyone else”. Oy. Double-jointed Oy. He tells us in his bio that he comes from a long line of Irish “geniuses” which is his way of “making a funny” to distract us from the fact that he only ended up a bar mitzvah dj thing person while his whole family line changed the course of so many lives. Interesting casting choice though.
ROBIN: She’s 43, and already annoying me. She’s a blogger who likes to make sushi…and unzip her blouse too apparently (ew, hide those milkjugs please). She thinks she’s freaking hilarious, judging from her bio, and I’m sure her 1150 Facebook friends agree with her. Her quote is that of Oscar Wilde’s “Be yourself; everyone else is taken”. She likes her coffee black along with her football. WTF?! What is that supposed to mean?! But don’t worry…she makes up for it by telling us she’s into rescued dogs and cats. Oh, and underdogs. Sigh. Her poor daughters.
STEPHANIE: She’s 32, and a scientist but she also likes to make furniture. What? Furniture? COOL! She’s outgoing, curious, loves to cook and going out to explore the town, etc… She’s got 600 Facebook friends and I imagine she will end up marrying one of them because she’s so perfect on match.com paper. “The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience” is her motto, which seems like a whole bunch of words that really sum up to “BE THE SUN!”
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So yeah. Those are the fourteen pinatas we’ll be beating around for ten weeks. Maybe not even ten…maybe they’ll get the plug pulled on them sooner. But probably not. Who are we kidding? ABC can’t get together a cast and crew for another season of The Bachelor to take its slot.