The Glass House premiered Monday night, and while the Big Brother similarities are there, it’s entertaining for totally different reasons.
The format is kind of ridiculous. The direction of the show is totally transparent (fitting show name). The cast is filled with Reality TV stereotypes. And I’m really having fun spotting which lamps came for CB2, Pier 1 or Z Gallerie. So even if it doesn’t turn out to be a good show, I can be entertained by all of those things.
The ridiculousness started when the guests entered the house. And by entered, I mean teleported through the floor amid smoke from a smoke machine. ABC is really working hard to distinguish Glass House from “other” shows.
Then we quickly learn where the producers want to take the show. They give the viewers two choices for the type of housewarming party: pool party or pajama party. So they’ll either be in bikinis or nighties. Hmm. The viewers decide they want to see the butterfaces in their bikinis. Thanks for that. Then they fill them full of liquor and make them play suck and blow. See. Transparent. If ABC wanted to force sex in the Glass House house then don’t cast fugly married people.
What else? Oh yeah, the cast. There’s the smart science girl. The cocktail waitress. The cop. The douchebag. The gay guy. The mom. The old guy. The dumb guy. The dumb girl. I’m exhausted pointing out the stereotypes.
OK, enough of the first impressions. On to the recap. The first order of business is teams. The voters decided to split the teams up as East vs. West. Team East is Jeffrey, Robin, Holly, Stephanie, Mike, Kevin and Joy. Team West is Alex, Jacob, Ashley, Erica, Apollo, Gene and Andrea.
The teams are told they have to pick captains and the captain from the losing team will automatically end up in limbo. The house will vote one other person to join the captain in limbo and then the public will decide who stays and who goes. Oh yeah, limbo is probably just a hotel room. No one really explained it.
Oh, and did I miss the part where they explain why they’re all wearing dog collars? Are those shock collars? If they leave the Glass House do that get a electrocuted? Now that could be interesting. Oh, wait. I think those are just microphone necklaces. Oooh high-tech! Take that, BB!
Let’s see. Aside from Jeffrey flooding the hot tub, the most interesting non-game stuff to happen was learning Apollo’s strategy. He brought a deck of cards and those cards are going to make all of his decisions. He’s attempting to play the most boring, I mean honest game in Reality TV history.
It’s time for the challenge and the teams had to guess answers about each other and solve a puzzle. Team East wins, so that means Jacob is the first person to enter limbo.
Back in the house, Alex beings his quest to become the biggest douchebag in Reality TV history. He first decides to BEG the girls to let him plant his balls in one of their thongs. You can tell no one really wants him to, but someone lets him put on their panties instead. (Gee, where I have I seen this before?) So he parades around and the undies are kind of see-through so we now know it must be really COLD in the Glass House.
It gets worse. The contestants each got to ask the public a question and Alex asked if he should be the biggest most epicest awesomest meanest superbad villain in all of Reality TV ever in the world. Seriously, is this guy five? And you guys told him yes. So now he’s going to force himself into a villain role. And he sucks at it. Some of his insults included: “dork,” “loser cop,” “fatty,” “stripper” and “d-bag.” And those were some of the best ones.
It was just all really embarrassing. I’ve never seen a villain actually say “OK, I’m going to be a villain.” The best villains just kind of are. Alex is just a big ole douchebag who has no idea what he’s doing. All he’s going to get is his dumbass sent home in week one.
Speaking of that, it’s time for the players to vote for who joins Jacob in limbo. At first I thought they were just all playing Wii but then I was like Oooooooh! They’re throwing stones! OMG this is a Glass House and they’re throwing stones!!!! Aaaaah. Mind blown. Hahahaha. Not really.
To no surprise, they pick Alex. And he’s pretty confident America instantly loves him. So he and Jacob are teleported to limbo and now America has to decide who to send home. And just as I was about to start drinking so I could write this wretched recap, we get a “Oh, BTW Jacob quit!” Whaaaaat? You couldn’t handle Glass House? After one week? Wow.
When does that ever happen in the first week? Someone already quit The Glass House. Mind blown for real this time.
So now America just has to decide whether or not King Douche gets to return or not. I say vote yes! Keep that train wreck in there. It might be the only form of entertainment we’ll get form this show.
What did you think of The Glass House? Will you continue watching it?