Usually my compadre Branden writes about Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and I’m sad to say that he is out of town this week and isn’t able to cover it.
Okay, I’m not going to lie, I’m kinda giddy about it.
I’ll admit, I have prided myself all season long saying I wouldn’t dare watch this crap, but as my hubby is out of town this week (and unable to chastise me for watching it) I ventured over to TLC to see what I was missing. Lucky for me there was a Honey Boo Boo marathon. After the first episode, I DVR’d ALL of them. I finished them in no time flat. I’m so ashamed. I feel like Mama after she done eat all the Oreos, sketti and cheeseballs.
In keeping with Branden’s kick ass “untraditional” recaps, I give you the Top 5 Moments of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’s finale episode, as well as it’s Top Quotes. I hope I make you proud, B.
In it’s one hour finale, the family decides to get together for a family portrait which isn’t easy when they’re like a pack of wild animals. Poor photographer. Anna has her baby and she’s born with an extra appendage (go figure) while Honey Boo Boo has two days to prepare for a last minute pageant. And there’s sneezing, lots of it. And gnats.
(Cue the banjos)
TOP 5 MOMENTS …in no particular order
5. The Family Portrait: Mama and family meet with a photographer to take a family photo. Mama puts a little “paint on the barn,” meaning makeup, and pulls her hair back into one big cheese puff on the back of her head. I have to admit though, she looks better than usual and I think she even scrubbed out her neck crust. Her foundation and powder end at neck #1 though, and I think she maybe should have blended it into neck #2. The girls fight about holding hands, drinking water, and the heat. Everyone squirms and bickers and at the end of it all the photographer says, “I’m exhausted.”
4. Anna a.k.a ‘Chickadee’ has her baby: “Pop goes the baby!” says Sugar Bear, who cut the umbilical cord. Baby Kaitlyn was born with three thumbs and the family cannot make enough jokes about it. They talk about school fingerprints and Chubbs especially likes the phrase, ‘gimme a high-six!’ She adds that the baby stinks, and she describes it. “She (the baby) smelled bad. Not bad like raunchy biscuit bad, but bad like formula-smelling bad.” She knows what “raunchy biscuit” smells like? I’m not even going there. Honey Boo Boo has her own descrption of tiny Kaitlyn. “She’s so tiny. I. POOP. BIGGER!” The ladies know how to keep it classy, y’all.
3. The Cat: Obviously the family cat isn’t too keen on Chubbs and Honey Boo Boo. It freaks out while the girls are rough housing in the bedroom and starts attacking them in a frenzy (production adds a cat screeching sound to up the ante). The girls squeal and jump on the bed to escape the cat’s wrath but the ferocious feline still attacks over and over. It jumps up, swinging the shit out of it’s front paws with it’s claws out, trying to get an anchor in one of Chubbs’ feet. Chubbs kicks violently at the cat who is undeterred and manages to rip a flip-flop off her foot. “Our cat is possessed,” says Honey Boo Boo, but I can’t help but wonder why this cat has such a chip on it’s shoulders. Oh yeah, it lives here.
2. Uncle Poodle: Honey Boo Boo has two days to prepare for the Sparkle and Shine pageant and her Uncle ‘Poodle’, Sugar Bear’s gay younger brother, is up for the challenge. He visits and mentors Honey Boo Boo on her routine. Once a “grass/mud fight” erupts, he freaks about getting grass stains on his striped, cotton/polyester blend polo shirt. I think he’s the worst dressed gay I have ever come across.
1. The Pageant: Moments before the show is to begin, Honey Boo Boo puts on her pageant dress, which doesn’t fit anymore. Apparently this is the result of chicken nuggets, and the woman dressing Honey Boo Boo isn’t amused. Says Chubbs, “Most of the girls are twigs, Alana’s more like a log.” After sashaying her way around the stage for the judges, she walks away with the “People’s Choice” award for being the crowd favorite. She receives her crown and is told there is a special surprise, just for her. (I mean, this IS the finale episode, right?!) And it’s GLITZY the pig! Like Honey Boo Boo, Glitzy has gotten a little bigger. She is thrilled to see him. But no, you can’t take him home.
“Baby Kaitln arrived on the Biscuit Express!” – Honey Boo Boo on becoming an Aunt.
“I wish I had an extra finger, then I could grab more cheeseballs.” – Honey Boo Boo on Kaitlyn’s extra thumb
“Having that extra thumb remind me of a Swiss Army knife.” – Sugar Bear on his granddaughter
“Well, if she gets gassy, she one of the family.” Honey Boo Boo during Kaitlyn’s first bottle feeding at home
“Ain’t nothing wrong with being a little gay, everyone’s a little gay.” – Honey Boo Boo on her Uncle Poodle
“Redneck ain’t the word for this damn family. They dysfunctional rednecks. One got bugs, one farts all the time, one’s playin’ in the mud, and one’s diggin’ in her butt all the time.” – Uncle Poodle on Mama and girls
“I have chicken nugget power!” – Honey Boo Boo before donning her swimwear onstage
Can’t get enough Honey Boo Boo? TLC just ordered more episides and HOLLAday specials!