Tuning into last night’s Jersey Shore was a little bittersweet, because while we usually enjoy the antics of our drunken, idiotic friends, it was surreal to know that their Seaside Heights stomping grounds have been destroyed by Hurricane Sandy.
In fact, at the beginning of the episode, Vinny Guadagnino urged viewers to make a donation to the Red Cross to help rebuild the cast’s home away from home. And honestly, we can’t think of a better place to begin helping. The Jersey Shore gang has been wreacking enough havoc on this place before the hurricane hit… that town deserves some TLC.
Last night, Deena continued her streak of meatball days, but managed to avoid lock-up, Mike struggled with his lock-down of the girlfriend sort, and Snooki tried to prepare a meal for Jionni, which began with her struggling to turn on the gas stove-top. I sure hope she’s breast feeding baby Lorenzo, because at this rate, I’m not sure she could figure out how to heat up a bottle.
Here are the top moments and quotes from the episode:
What do you do when it’s raining and you have to walk to work? If you’re most people, it means you use this fancy little contraption called an umbrella. If you’re Deena, it means you affix a plastic Dunkin Donuts bag on your head like a shower cap and to hell with the rest of your body getting wet.
But that was the least of Deena’s fashion missteps. On each day of her two-day bender, she wore the smallest, tightest cutoff shorts IN THE WORLD and spent much of her time digging material out of her butt and camel toe. Thankfully, we were not subjected to her Jersey Turnpiking, so our eyes were spared additional anguish.
Ever the house pranksters, Vinny and Pauly D snatched all the lovey photos of Deena and her boyfriend and replaced them with pictures of themselves in the same smitten poses. It was perhaps the funniest prank yet. For as dumb as these folks can be, their pranks are top-shelf.
So, Mike had been in his relationship with Paula for roughly 24 hours before starting to question whether she was getting “too comfortable.” In other words, he was getting itchy — and not the same kind of itchy he usually gets after sleeping with a skank. As he was discussing this with Ronnie and Deena work, Paula walked in to visit him, which further proved his point: that a girlfriend is there to be boinked and not heard. His co-workers started a pool as to how long the relationship would last.
Later, they all went out to a club, where Mike was flirting with bar sluts left and right. But the only thing more plentiful than drunk women were friends of Paula’s, who were happy to keep Mike on the up-and-up for their friend.
In the end, he and his abs went home alone.
Deena gets wasted
Not that Deena being lit up was anything new. But this time, she and Ronnie went out for a meatball/meathead day. She wound up going on and on about how her boyfriend, Chris, is the first person to ever give her an orgasm. As she offered more details of their sex life, she proceeded to say ‘orgasm’ about 40 more times within two minutes, while Ronnie struggled to keep his margaritas from coming back up. He asked her to chill on the fornication chat, but she just told him more, like that Chris always gives her an orgasm, and that he gets mad when she doesn’t orgasm, and orgasm, orgasm, orgasm.
She finally got distracted by some police officers and went to ask them details about what could get her arrested. Luckily, you can’t get locked up for dropping the O-bomb, or she’d be serving a life sentence.
Cooking With Snooks
While her fellow meatball was making mincemeat of her liver, Snooki was busy defiling her kitchen in an attempt to make Jionni dinner. As her kitchen filled with smoke, she called her father for cooking instructions, because God forbid she actually consult a cookbook, or just order in and pretend she cooked it like normal people who can’t cook do. Maybe she needs to make nice with The Sitch, and have him teach her kitchen skills.
Anyhoo, when all was said and done, Jionni not only ate her meal, he told her it was good. The look on his face, however, said otherwise. We suspect Jionni may invest in a dog, so he can sneak any future home-cooked meals underneath the table.
Deena’s bender continues
The next day, Deena, who may or may not have still been drunk from her prior outing, went to the boardwalk with Sammi and Ron and started tossing back more cocktails. Around 8 p.m., Sam and Ron decided to go home and get ready for the club, but Deena opted to stay out by herself and continue partying. “Meatballs can hang by themselves,” she explained. “We kinda wander on our own anyway.” Cue footage of asinine antics here.
When she finally got home, her mom called and WENT OFF on her for being a drunken puddle so soon after her arrest. “Why are you getting this drunk?,” her mom asked. “Nobody else is getting drunk like that. I’m not gonna have you drunk on the boardwalk and make a fool of yourself.” Um, has Deena’s mom not ever seen this show? Ma threatened to come pick her up and take her home, but Deena talked her out of it. Thank God, because with Snooki out of the mix, someone needs to entertain us with their alcohol-infused jackassery.
“I don’t like to be caged and confined,” The Situation, on his first 24 hours of having a girlfriend.
“I’ve had sex that’s lasted longer than your relationship is going to,” Ronnie to Mike.
“I was just sitting there minding my own business. If an extremely hot girl wants to bounce up and down on my lap for a song or two, I don’t have a problem with that,” Mike.
“That was the scariest f***ing thing I’ve ever done,” Snooki on preparing a meal.
“I have a swollen butthole from pooping so much,” Deena, taking her talk of bodily functions to a whole other level.
How sorry do you feel for Paula right now? Or should she be prepared for this, being that she’s dating the biggest player on reality TV?