Like many other reality shows, Jersey Shore is packed with important vignettes that can help a person figure out how to live their lives a little bit better. And by that, we mean, do the exact opposite of this.
Last night, JWoww went to the doc to assess her injuries after the latest bar brawl incident; Mike decided to take his relationship with Paula to the next level; and Deena auditioned new meatballs, since Snooki is out of commission for a while. And here’s what we learned through all that:
Lesson: Let the bouncers do their job.
If your meathead boyfriend is about to throw down in the bar, do not try and talk him out of it because you could wind up with broken bones in your foot and on crutches like JWoww. After she tried to diffuse Roger, he shoved her aside, which resulted in injury. (But we’re pretty sure the skyscraper high platforms she was wearing didn’t help much either.)
Lesson: If you are a woman and get injured after breaking up a fight, it’s your own fault.
Ronnie and Sammi were discussing the Jenni/Roger situation, and fellow meathead Ronnie immediately took Roger’s side. Women are generally not capable of breaking up a fight between gorilla juiceheads, he said, so they should just let it play out, or they may accidentally get punched in the fake eyelashes or knocked off their leopard print heels.
Lesson: Being on crutches and being pregnant are disabilities.
Throughout the show, Snooki referred to her and JWoww’s physical situations as being “disabled.” Meaning, I guess, that they were not up to full partying speed. Personally, we think they have bigger fish to fry, like courting skin cancer and butchering the English language. But hey, what do we know?
Lesson: Don’t drink and crutch.
When you first hop on a pair of crutches, you’ve gotta get your coordination together. So drowning your sorrows in Ron-Ron juice may not be the shrewdest idea, lest you wind up laid out on the floor of a bar like JWoww. Luckily, she had not peed on said floor first, so it wasn’t as nasty as it could have been.
Lesson: Beer goggles are real.
Suddenly, a sober Situation isn’t as enamored with all the bar sluts that want to stroke his abs at the club. Sure, he plays along, but he also looks a bit disgusted when fans want to give him hugs and stuff. Part of it was that he was planning to make things official with his longtime hook-up Paula. But it’s also gotta be a rude awakening to see the kinds of petri dishes he’s been mounting for the past five seasons. Being sober ain’t so bad after all, eh, Mike?
Lesson: The definition of meatball.
We bet you thought it was a delicious addition to your spaghetti, or a vertically challenged, out of control wasted girl wearing no panties. But it’s slightly more complex than that, as we learned when Deena left early one morning, wearing her sleeping outfit and slippers in order to drunk and audition replacement meatballs for Snooki. Deena informed us that “meatballs are people who like to drink, like to have fun and don’t have any rules or regulations. You have to dance, that’s what a meatball does.”
Lesson: Cops do have “rules and regulations”
And one of the police rules in Seaside Heights is that no meatballs are allowed to be publicly drunk and block traffic while dancing in the middle of an intersection, as Deena did last night. The solo meatball was handcuffed and hauled off to the pokey. When will she learn that a “meatball day,” whether solo or with Snooki — rarely ends well?
Whose side are you on: Jenni or Roger?