The final season of Jersey Shore kicked off Thursday night, and a few things changed since the last time the gang gathered to spread venereal disease and various body fluids around the town of Seaside Heights.
A newly sober Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino kinda sorta had a girlfriend — Paula, the girl he’s been hooking up with for four summers — and Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi was, at this point, six months pregnant. And, in addition to giving herself an all-around makeover, Deena also had her first serious boyfriend, Chris, a furniture salesman.
But the rest of the dynamic we have come to know, love and ridicule, was largely intact. Ronnie Magro and Sammi Giancola were on again; Pauly Del Vecchio and Vinny Guadignino were again united in bromance; and J-Woww was still a tiny person, dwarfed by her humungous breasts.
A lot of the show was dedicated to them arriving, getting caught up and settled in. So we’re highlighting the top moments from the show, as well as the best quotes.
1. DINNER SITUATION
In an attempt to make nice with the other roommates after being an asshat the past three seasons, Sitch went food shopping, then hooked up a ginormous feast that was waiting when everyone arrived. Instead of being stoked about the home-cooked meal, everyone seemed suspicious of snaky Mike, wondering if he had put laxatives, spit or a dash of herpes in their vittles. Said Mike, cooking “is the Italian way of saying I’m sorry.” Hey man, works for me. As long as his dingaling isn’t anywhere near the food, we’d eat it.
Over the meal, Mike talked about going to rehab and seemed like he genuinely wanted to be a part of the group again. Later, he apologized to everyone for behaving like a cretin. Everyone agreed to cautiously give him a second chance. But if he holds to it, it won’t be the same without an instigating villain in the house.
2. DEENA’S NEW LOOK
First off, kudos to Deena on her weight loss. I didn’t think she was big before, but she was always rolling around on the floor like a drunken puddle and that’s not really a flattering look for anyone. Her new teeth, however, are going to take some getting used to. If she’s happy, we don’t want to take anything away from her, but I found it difficult to focus on anything else — kind of like Matt Dillion’s character in There’s Something About Mary.
3. FURNITURE MELTDOWN
Perhaps the reason we noticed Deena’s chompers so much is because she spent half the show with her mouth open, crying, because she missed her boyfriend, whom she’d been away from for about 48 hours. Oh wait, did we mention that he was AT THE BAR WITH HER when this was happening? Oh wait! Did we mention she had already burst into tears earlier in the day over lunch because she missed him so much? Issues!
To be fair, she began crying at the bar that night because she thought Vinny was busting her man’s chops, when all he was doing was inquiring about buying furniture for his new house. But then Deena continued to blubber on and on because she didn’t know if she could survive the summer without Chris. Jenni then revealed that he lives about five minutes away. Later, Deena told Vinny: “He’s like a part of me.” Suddenly, this became incredibly creepy.
4. FIST PUMP!
Even though the Jersey Shore crew delights us with their idiocy and funny acronyms, they are also entertaining with their mouths shut. And the numerous dance scenes from Karma, particularly those with the boys, were hilarious to watch. Too bad Ronnie has to be such an overall jackass when he’s wasted. Which brings us to…
5. RONNIE VS. SAM
This year, Ron and Sam managed to score a room of their own instead of having to share it with Mike. Joking, Ronnie goes, “Now we can fight in private.” But everyone knows that Ron and Sam without fighting is like Mike without a woman attached to the end of his penis.
So, Sammi didn’t eat before she went out, which was apparently enough to fill Ronnie with ire. For once, she wasn’t being all whiny and annoying — she simply said, “I’m hungry” — and he became his usual, roid-rage monster self. Pour liquor on him and he transforms into a complete lunatic. For no apparent reason, he said to Sammi, “I have a million girls that can do what you do. Figure it the f*** out. Get away from me! I don’t want you.”
“Ron should not drink if he wants to stay with Sam,” said Jenni. Or, more accurately, Ron is a verbally abusive ass when he drinks, and Sammi is a fool to be with someone like that.
4. YOU’RE GETTING THE BOOT… PERIOD
Now that Mike is sober, the triple threat nightclub prowling team of MVP is back in action. At the end of the night, Mike and Pauly picked up some chicks at the bar, and when they got home, learned that one of the women was on their period. God forbid they actually hang out with these ladies instead of having sex, so they decide to get rid of them.
“In the swag handbook, rule number 667 states that you cannot have sex with a girl on her period unless it’s your girlfriend, and she’s been your girlfriend for a minute,” explained Mike.
Let’s be honest: The girls didn’t think they were there to play tiddlywinks and gin rummy, so they were actually understanding when the guys kicked them and Aunt Flo out of the house. The boys got their digits and told them to come back when “didn’t have a problem.”
5. RON-RON IS JUICED/SOBER SITCH
Once the crew got home, Ronnie went upstairs to the smush room and stripped the bed of its blankets for him and Sammi to use. He fell down the hardwood stairs on his ass, giggling the entire way down.
Next morning, Ronnie had no recollection of the previous night’s events, and wondered why he was so sore. Meanwhile, Sitch was one of the first ones awake, and was happy to not be completely hungover. Because Ronnie got so drunk he blacked out, Mike told him about his night out. “It’s kind of messed up that Mike is the sober person filling me in on what happened,” Ronnie said.
It is. But it’s more messed up that Ron blacks out about 50 percent of the time when he drinks. Maybe he could use a trip to rehab, too.
6. CELIBACY PROMISE
Vinny shocked everyone at the dinner table by revealing his plans to remain celibate over summer. After the crickets, everyone was all, Why would you do that? Um, maybe because he doesn’t want to pay for a lifetime prescription for Valtrex?
7. SNOOKI SHACKS UP… ELSEWHERE
Snooki decided that the Jersey Shore house was no place for a pregnant woman to live — imagine that! — and told the group at Sunday dinner that she planned to get her own place nearby. She then went on to explain the many reasons it would be better if she didn’t stay there: She needed to rest instead of being woken up in the middle of the night, she didn’t need to be around people fighting and throwing things, and she wanted to live somewhere that was clean, for starters.
Sniff, sniff. This whole Snooki-being-responsible thing is crazy to watch, but we couldn’t be more proud. Our little meatball is becoming a mama meatloaf before our eyes.
“Pregnancy has changed me. I did a whole 180, I think it’s called. I won’t be able to do the meatball things I used to do.” — Snooki
“Remember when (Snooki) first got here and was like, ‘Party’s here!’ Now it’s like, ‘Baby’s here!’” — Pauly D
“Is someone cooking? … Smells like butthole.” — JWoww
“The summer has officially started because I fell off the hammock.” — Deena
“Summer has started. Ronnie and Sam start going at it.” — Pauly D
“Snooki not being able to tan at the tanning salon, is like a f***ing fish just, like, looking a the ocean on the sand.” — Vinnie
“I no longer have any competition for the tannest Guido in the house. Snooki can’t tan, so I take the belt.” Pauly D
“Do you ever sleep and then you wake up from a fart? Like, my fart woke me up.” — Snooki
“I hope I have a sex drive tonight, but I’m feeling a little gassy.” Snooki
“You know you’ve been doing this a long time when you see a girl and you’re like, ‘I smashed her, I smashed her.‘” — Vinny
“Eskimo brothers is when you hook up with the same chick. You’re brothers by association. A lot of us in this house are Eskimo brothers. We all are.” Pauly D
“Integrity means, like, shame. Like, I’ve got a lot of shame, I’ve got a lot of integrity. If you say you have no shame, then it’s like saying you have no integrity. Or it means … I don’t know, it’s very confusing.” — Deena
“Me and Mike are doing the cooking, and Pauly is setting the table and yelling out random things. That’s his idea of cooking.” — Vinny