Episode 2 of Big Ang and her Baby Huey husband Neil is moving back in.
Big Ang threatens that if it doesn’t work out between them this time, their third shot at making their marriage work, it’s over. You can tell immediately that it’s not going to work out. She’s already moved on. She’s repulsed by him, and his numerous boxes of things, and seems disgusted that he’s really moving back into her home. Neil, on the other hand, seems happy as hell to return to feed off the teet of Ang.
Ang was told by a psychic that she would suffer a heart attack in the near future, so, understandably, she is concerned. (Not that any of us couldn’t have predicted a heart attack could happen to her sometime in her lifetime.)
She heads to the cardiologist to have her ticker checked out. The nurse comes in and hands Big Ang some “stool cards” and calmly says Ang needs to take them home then send them into the lab. Stool cards?! I don’t even wanna know. I’m guessing it’s something you crap on, or dip in your crap, then send in. I’m NOT Googling that ish!
“How the f*** do you mail sh*t? I don’t get it!” says Ang, and we hear nothing of the stool cards again. Whew.
After being hooked up to machines and monitors, Ang’s tests come back normal. However, her doctor has some advice for. Lay off the drinking and smoking. “How many years have you been smoking?” he asks her. ”Thirty five,” she responds. ”I couldn’t tell from your voice,” he says with a grin.
So what’s Big Ang to do? She decides to take a break from drinking & ciggies for one week. But can she do it?
She kicks off her week of sobriety with a workout. One of her bartenders, who could easily be mistaken for one of the guys on Jersey Shore, meets her at the gym where he attempts to train her but all she does is complain. “Going to the gym is like a slow f***ing death,” she tells us in her gravelly voice.
Ang has been on the hunt for a new house, something big enough to house her large personality, those ginormous funbags, and roomy enough to throw college style keggers in. She and her sister visit a home that Ang falls in love with immediately. It’s got a hot tub room with a bar, huge bedrooms and massive closets, not to mention a “stage” which could serve as a centerpiece to one of her drunken, crazy parties.
Keeping with her weeklong lifestyle change, Ang grabs her friend Little Jen and the two go shopping in search of some new workout clothes. Cameltoe jokes ensue.
Ang might be trying to live clean for a week, but she’s still a bartender/bar owner and is surrounded by binge drinkers and smokers while on the clock. Her friend Linda stops by and bellies up to the bar. She’s does nothing to support Ang’s quest for clean living and instead tells her “You’re never gonna make it,” when it comes to quitting cigarettes. Then she orders Ang a drink. Biotch.
It’s Ang’s second day of being clean. She sticks to her guns.
The next day (Day 3) Big Ang and Little Jen play tennis with a coach. Ang is all boobs and they are getting in the way of her swing but her determination pays off and she gets to where she can finally return the ball without giving herself a black eye. Little Jen compliments her by saying she looks like she’s been playing tennis as long as she’s been smoking.
Next, Ang is off for a colonics treatment because she thinks it’s a fast and easy way to get her insides cleaned out. She has no idea what she is in store for. The nurse performing the task brings over a huge speculum and dips the end of it in a jar of lube that looks like something you’d grease your car’s bearings with. Intimidating doesn’t even begin to explain it. Ang’s eyes bug out, almost to the size of her G-cups. The doctor reassures her, “There’s a lot of lube on there for you.” Indeed, the end of the “tool” has been covered in the mechanical grade lube.
“I thought it was going to be the size of a f***ing straw! That thing was the size of a microphone!” Ang is horrified. Scary music plays in the background. “This thing hurts,” Ang complains. The doctor grabs a child-sized speculum instead. Ang agrees, a smaller one might be better for her “little butt”.
This is all just so wrong.
Ang decides she can’t go through with it.
“I don’t need a tube in my ass, I need a cigarette in my mouth and a drink in my hand. I don’t even get down like this in my bedroom. Exit only, mother****er!”
Onto Day 4.
Big Ang meets friends for dinner and everyone is drinking – except Ang. Then the friends all start chanting, “Shots! Shots! Shots!” and Ang caves. “A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do,” and with that, Big Ang falls off the wagon and starts downing shots and smoking cigs just like old times. “Big Ang is back!” she yells.
Just like she never left.
Next week on Big Ang: Ang tries to train her dog Louie for a dog show, she has the daunting task of moving into her new party house and she throws a crazy, Patron fueled house warming party.