This week’s episode kicks off with Big Ang getting her little spoiled dog Louie pampered at the doggy salon. The little guy gets groomed and seems to enjoy the attention until the hairdryer comes out. It sends him into a Tasmanian Devil frenzy, flipping around in circles and biting every hand he can sink his little needlepoint teeth into. Ang then tells the staff that she’s entering Louie in a “doggy contest,” and the lady with bite marks on her hand replies dryly, “Yeah, he’s gonna do great.”
Back at Ang’s place, a modest, out-of-date brick home, she’s packing up her things and getting ready to move into her new and most likely overpriced party house. As she and BFF Little Jen are packing Jen tells Ang, “You better live in this house for more than a year.” Ang slips her hair and says, “I’m gonna live in this (new) house for the rest of my life. “I don’t believe you, “says Jen. And for some reason, I believe her. Maybe it has something to do with those VH1 checks running out at some point.
Then we learn that Big Ang has moved FIVE times in 5 years.
Before she’s even moved into the house Ang is talking about the crazy, huge parties she plan on having.
Ang arrives at her new home and is overwhelmed with the amount of work there is to do. Boxes are everywhere, inside and out of the house, and a huge pile of fur coats is on the lawn. Of course her Baby Huey “husband” is absent. Ang takes a breather and Jen says, “I hope they (the neighbors) enjoy their last quiet night on the block.”
Determined to get her dog Louie into a dog show, Big Ang takes her feisty little companion to the Staten Island Companion Dog Training Club where she learns that Louie must have proper obedience training in order to compete. This includes being able to respond to body, voice and hand commands. Ang’s face sours when she learn this, full well knowing the little monster that Louie can be. Just then Louie drops multiple turds on the floor in front of the trainer as if to say, “Training is good for me….to poop on!”
The trainer then shows Ang a properly trained dog who runs and jumps over obstacles and eagerly awaits it’s owner’s command. The perfect Fido. Louie pisses on the equipment.
Back at the Drunken Money, Big Ang’s bar, Ang tells Frankie, one of her slutty, beefcake bartenders, that she wants him at her upcoming housewarming party. She then dishes that at her last housewarming party she ended up with 65 stitches on her ass after getting “whacked” (Ang codeword for wasted) and falling onto the toilet brush in the bathroom while trying to take a leak. Not something you tell people.
Ang then says she has someone she wants to set Frankie up with. The friend is blonde, has big boobs and a juicy rear. She fails to mention it’s her 65-year-old BFF, Sandy. He has no idea what he is in store for.
It’s time for Big Ang’s party and and the shots of Patron are flowing like water, the women are bumping butts and fondling each other’s boobs, and finally Frankie meets Sandy. He is shocked she’s an old, drunk broad, but seems to settle into the idea of being her pool boy for the evening. He dances with Sandy and pours alcohol down her throat then invites her into the hot tub after she playfully sticks her foot in his crotch. They romp around in the tub, Sandy in only her bra and panties and Frankie in his underwear, and he keeps pouring alcohol mouth her throat. This shit is weird. What has TV become!? I dunno, but I’m secretly thrilled there are these kind of people in the world to make me feel better about myself.
Sandy then attempts to exit the now soiled hot tub and her slippery old ass falls out of the tub and onto the ground with a huge THUD. Sandy broke her arm but she was so juiced up she simply laughs and yells, “It was worth every bit of it!” Crazy old bat. The party continues on without Sandy, and Frankie is most likely relieved that Sandy is gone for the night so he doesn’t get too drunk and hit it.
The next day, after minimal training, Louie is ready for his first dog show. Ang is convinced Louie is going to win. While watching the other dogs compete Louie pisses on everything before wandering aimlessly into the competition. He’s the only dog who can’t complete a single task, but he can definitely strut across the room. And proving once again that reality shows are anything but real, Louie wins the competition. The real mystery is how Ang was able to function the day after her insanely drunken party. Hair of the dog, anyone?