It’s not like The Real Housewives of Atlanta have ever lacked in the drama department. But in last night’s season five premiere, viewers met the newest cast member, Kenya Moore, who added a surly tongue, a bodyguard and an ego the size of Hotlanta to the mix.
A former Miss USA — nine years ago — Moore is also an actress, producer and director, so clearly, she knows a whole lot about everything. And that’s a trait that’s not going to mix well with this group of bold women. She’s already rubbed Cynthia Bailey — who is probably the nicest and meekest of this cast — the wrong way. When Cynthia is threatening to come for you, you’ve really done wrong.
Other than Kenya’s introduction, the premiere was mostly a catch-up session, so here’s what’s happening with rest of the ladies. And, it’s probably worth mentioning that we forgot Sheree Whitfield was missing until we sat down to write Monday morning. So apparently, axing her from the cast wasn’t a bad idea.
Opening line: “I have arrived. And the spotlight is on ME, honey.”
After her dalliance with her creepy business partner last season, NeNe and her husband Gregg are apparently trying to work things out. But the majority of NeNe’s scenes were filmed during her meeting with Ryan Murphy of Glee, Nip/Tuck and American Horror Story fame as she was being cast in his newest project The New Normal.
For the life of me, I can’t imagine someone with Murphy’s star-getting power saying Hey, we really need to cast this loudmouth reality star with no acting experience in my new sitcom. But I haven’t watched The New Normal. Maybe she’s really good.
Opening line: “I asked, believed, and I received.”
The wigged wonder is now seven months preggo with her fourth child, and she and Kroy are getting ready to move out of their 17,000 square foot mansion. They had planned to buy the house (they had been leasing it to this point), but because of some appraisal discrepancies, they aren’t going to. The landlords were unwilling to extend the lease, since they had a big fallout last year over Kim’s non-payment to its interior decorator owner for her services. So the moving needs to happen, like, yesterday.
The quotes they received for moving and storage all the stuff in their sprawling pad? $101,000. We suspect Kim’s enormous collection of self-portraits probably accounts for at least $20K of that.
Opening line: “I may be small, but my empire keeps on growing.”
At the last reunion show, we learned that Kandi met, and fell in love with, Todd, a production member from the show. Last night, viewers met him as the couple discussed their plans to move in together. Yay, Kandi! She deserves to be happy after all that’s happened in her love life.
She has a huge new house that she bought with cash, and she took Kim for a pre move-in tour, during which time Kim peppered her new place with backhanded compliments. We’d blame pregnancy hormones, but it’s likely Kim is a little jelly over Kandi’s excitement since she’s having her own housing issues.
But here’s what will surely be a firestarter this season: Kandi also told cameras her and Todd would eventually like to have children — a son, since they both have daughters — and they love the name Cash. Of course, we now know that Kim named her newest arrival Kash.
Opening line: I’m a Southern Belle. Brains, booty and all business.”
Phaedra has continued with her quest to become a mortician, and is currently attending school for it. Her newest plan is to add pet mortician and funeral services to her resume. Now, I’m an animal person and everything, but I can’t imagine paying thousands of dollars for a dog funeral, when I could spend that money to rescue another needy animal. Then again, I’m not rich, either, so who knows. Perhaps there is a very small market for cat funerals straight out of a rap video. (In case you forgot, her plans as a funeral director are to “put the boom in the tomb.”)
So Phaedra visited a veterinarian to try and drum up future business for herself. The vet looked stunned and horrified at Phaedra’s proposal, mostly because she came off as someone who was purely out for money, not someone who cared about giving pet owners closure.
I can’t wait to see how this plays out…
Opening line: “Beauty fades. Class is forever.”
For perhaps the first time ever, Cynthia had the most interesting plot line of the episode. Her ex/baby-daddy, Leon, was in town staying at the house with her and Peter, as he always does when he’s in town. Perhaps Peter is more of a saint than we thought.
Cynthia and Leon got into a tiff over their daughter, Noelle, and whether or not she should be homeschooled. Mom said yes, just until next year. Dad said no, get her ass in school right now. Then Noelle came in and said she wanted to be in regular school. Problem solved.
But the real fireworks occurred when Cynthia’s modeling school hosted a casting for Jet Magazine’s Beauty of the Week. New Housewife Kenya Moore — a former Miss USA — served as a judge at the casting and was a raving bitch as well as a general embarrassment to Cynthia’s business. Which brings us to…
Opening line: “I won Miss USA, not Miss Congeniality.”
We met Kenya as she lunched with Lawrence, bragged about having a 7,000 sf house, and that she’d been proposed to six different times. She talked about savoring caviar and being classy. But within seconds, she said some magical words that led us to believe class is the last thing on her mind: “I like to win. Don’t let the Louis Vuittons fool you because I will beat a bitch down.” That’s what I’m talkin’ about!
So, at Cynthia’s casting call, Kenya presided over the judge’s table like she owned the place, and went as far as to insult many of the women who came in to audition. One woman, whose personal grooming was a little on the sparse side, came in wearing a small bikini. Kenya pointed out her butt crack was showing, and also that her pubes were visible. She complained about seeing “coochie crack,” a term she said at least five times before Cynthia told her to take it down a few notches.
Cynthia’s assistant also told Kenya to calm it down, and she totally went off on him. In an unprecedented Housewives move, Kenya then called over her bodyguard (!), and had him escort the assistant away from her.
“I am a public figure,” she said. “I always have security.” Good thing, honey, because you’re gonna need it acting a fool with this set of Housewives.
So far, Kenya is in the running for the newest love-to-hate Housewife, and is the only person who can make NeNe seem modest.
What do you think of Kenya? Love or hate?