Let’s just cut right to the chase: Do any of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills ever actually throw a normal kids’ birthday party? The kind where the kids outnumber the adults, and the party itself doesn’t cost more than a Mercedes?
Why, yes, those were rhetorical questions.
Last night, Kyle Richards threw a fourth birthday party for her daughter, Portia, to which all the Housewives were invited. The carnival themed event had kiddie rides, game booths and a petting zoo — and a background agenda of getting Lisa Vanderpump and Adrienne Maloof to kiss and make up. Because who wants to spend the time watching their kid have fun, when you can instead oversee the immature bickering of two grown women?
Lisa wanted nothing to do with Adrienne, however, so she arrived and left before the party even got underway. Besides disappointing Kyle, Lisa’s early departure meant that Brandi Glanville was pretty much on her own, since everyone else hates her guts. So Brandi also fled early, sensing that some kind of drama was going to go down.
The shindig did serve as a reunion for other ladies, though. Camille Grammer made a cameo and looked happy and fabulous. Kim Richards, who we have already seen more of in two episodes than we did most of last season, arrived about seventy million hours late. And then all anybody wanted to know from Kim was: Did she finally dump that creepy letch from last season? She was cagey in her answers, but we gathered the answer was yes.
The other guests worth mentioning, of course, were the unicorns. Kyle ordered up some of the magical creatures for the kids to ride around the yard, because sadly, all the flying ones were booked up for the day. When the truck of animals arrived, Kyle was astounded that the unicorns did not actually have horns. And also, they were brown. “I thought they were going to be little white unicorns, not big, brown ponies,” Kyle told the animal dude.
Has Kyle been getting into her sister’s old pill stash? Pssst, Kyle. Unicorns AREN’T REAL!
But the ponies were super real, and they left big sh*t piles all over Kyle’s tennis courts to prove it. “The problem with unicorns,” she said, “is that they poop all over.” Nevermind, Kyle. If you want to believe in them, go right ahead.
Finally, former model Yolanda Foster was shown visiting her 17-year-old daughter on a modeling shoot, and maintained that she didn’t want to be an annoying stage parent. She then preceded to inspect wardrobe for the shoot and offer her two cents; she asked the makeup artist to redo her daughter’s eyes so as not to look “Chinese;” and hovered over the photographer’s shoulders as he looked through the raw images.
Seriously, I’ve seen less stage parenting on episodes of Toddlers & Tiaras.
In other news, Adrienne was annoyed that Lisa kept avoiding her, and Taylor still hates Brandi with a passion — a problem she addressed by just pretending Brandi wasn’t one foot in front of her face at the party. (Just so you know, I’ve tried that kind of pretending with my laundry and it doesn’t work.) As soon as Brandi made her exit, Taylor had a whole lot to say about her to the other ladies. Namely, that she was still a ho.
Loose lips sink ships, Taylor. And no offense, Taylor, but those things could probably sink a whole fleet.
Team Taylor or Team Brandi? Lisa or Adrienne?