This week, the ladies of Beverly Hills ended season 2 by giving Paul an enema, celebrating Pandora’s wedding, welcoming Taylor back to the fold, and hiding Dana/Pam in a sound- and sight-resistant bamboo box, from which I hope she NEVER escapes. Before we hit (and I don’t mean “hit” in the Armstrong sense) the reunion, let’s reflect on the season via my professorial assessment.
S2 Nickname: Adrian (gendered masculine)
Overall Grade: C
I loved Adrienne last season but think she came of flat, opportunistic, insincere, and petty in the show’s sophomore year. My waning adoration began at her ill-fated dinner party, where, IN THE MIDST of extending a LITERAL and figurative olive branch, she got into a petty argument. Adrienne spent the rest of the season pulling a Star Jones bridezilla, meaning she repeatedly used the show to sell products, even when the merchandise had nothing to do with the story. Pandora decides to have her bachelorette party at Planet Hollywood, so Adrienne gets pissy and reminds cameras that she has a hotel in Vegas. It’s called the Palms. Remember it from last season? In fact, why not have a girls weekend at the Palms the same weekend as Pandora’s party? We get more of the same PR bullshit with the Sacramento Kings and her fledgling shoe line. My disdain for her hit its apex when the threat of litigation forced her to finally take a stand against Russell’s abuse; my dislike skyrocketed in this moment because she wasn’t sticking UP FOR her abused friend Taylor, she was trying to shield HERSELF from a lawsuit. Make no mistake, Adrienne is the type of person who would use a infant as a human shield. Bravo, bring back the old Adrienne. We need four tons of hair tinsel, STAT! She earns an average grade because her scenes with Paul were undeniably playful and hilarious.
S2 Nickname: Bad Grammer Gone Good
Overall Grade: D-
This season, Camille must have had big hands, because, by her own logic, she was a HUGE disappointment. Clearly burned by viewer feedback from last season, she declawed herself and faded into the scenery. The picture of her new boyfriend’s abs brought more to season 2 than Camille. Remember the good old days when Camille greeted her married friend Nick with a BJ; she squeezed a lunch date with her cancer-stricken mother into a mani-pedi; and the queen of Bad Grammer (pun intended) repeatedly shrugged her shoulders as her psychic pit bull Alison DuBois smoked an electronic cigarette and spit venom on all of Camille’s enemies. I miss THAT Camille. Want sage advice? Figure out which translation of The Art of War Camille read in season one and NEVER PURCHASE IT, unless, of course, war’s true art is surrendering and kissing the ass of your enemies. She gets bonus points for calling out Taylor and pushing LipWrecked over the proverbial edge. I’ll be surprised if Camille gets invited back next season. In the alleged words of Kyle Richards, “Why would anyone be interested in you with Kelsey?” Kyle’s an f’ing soothsayer; her prophecies ring much truer than Alison DuBois’.
S2 Nickname: Kimstal Meth, Scarecrow, Kim RichTARDs
Overal Grade: B+
Kim would have earned an A+ this season had she been more present. Even on my blog, I have a strict attendance policy. Kim loses points for rarely showing up to events. Hell, she was hardly PRESENT at the events she attended; and THAT was her saving grace. Kim truly stole the show this season. Bravo is to gays what Lifetime is to women, and gays love nothing more than a boozed-up, pill-popping has-been diva. I think gay men secretly love watching women destroy themselves and one another because once all the chicks are gone straight men will have to find browner pastures, if you catch my drift. Sorry, that was gross, even for me. What would this season have been without Kimstal Meth pulling licked-clean bags of meth (or some other drug) out of the back of her limo and then nervously claiming, “Who’s trash is this? NOT MINE”? How will I make it a full year without hearing the scarecrow screech, “I’m a Virgo,” or, “I love buttons”? Who DOESN’T love buttons? Kim also delivered the line of the season when she called Brandi a “SLUT PIG!” Watch out, Hallmark; Kimstal Meth has some choice greetings of her own. For all of the above reasons, I give Kim a B+. B, in this case, stands for BAFROOM and bullmastiff, the breed of her ex-boyfriend Ken/Shrek.
S2 Nickname: half of the twisted sisTARDS
Overall Grade: B+
Kyle’s truly the glue that holds the show together; this incidentally may be the same glue Kim RichTARDs huffs in the bathroom. Despite being half of the twisted sisTARDS, I like Kyle because she wears her heart on her sleeve, seems to truly care about her friends and family, forgives and forgets the trespasses of her enemies, and fesses up to her OWN mistakes in her Bravo blog. Kyle gets bonus points for doing the splits each time she wanted attention this season. She became the Mary Lou Retton of social anxiety; and I LOVED watching each scissor kick and acrobatic maneuver. I mean, Kyle practically mopped Mohamed’s floor with her vagina. Broke-down Demi Moore gets bonus points for her delicious husband Mauricio and ADORABLE daughter Portia, who, like me, is obsessed with poop.
S2 Nickname: Queen Vanderpump
Overal Grade: A+
I love Lisa VanderPump. She’s got an incredible knack for crafting the series’ best one-liners, dresses impeccably, doesn’t back down from her detractors, and, despite previous reservations, was fair-minded enough to befriend Brandi. Out of ALL the Housewives shows, Lisa is my favorite person/character because she knows when to keep a stiff upper lip and when to let the tears flow. I wish I had her ability to smirk at and let go of ridiculous attacks. I, for instance, spent days laughing over the following scene, in which she shrugged off and made light of Taylor’s insistence that her ego had gotten the best of her:
My love for Lisa grew exponentially at her daughter’s wedding. The entire affair was gorgeous in large part because Lisa didn’t sit idly in the shadows and pay everyone else to do the work for her. As a mother should, VanderPump jumped into the fray, got her hands dirty, and ensured that she gave her beloved daughter the best possible wedding. The wedding reminded me, once again, why I so desperately hope to have marriage rights one day. Pandora’s wedding was more than just a celebration of her union; the event was a party that honored Pandora’s and Jason’s humanity and future. Everyone deserves that right and every parent should have the opportunity to gush over the adult his or her child has become. No event allows a parent to relish in this moment like a wedding. Period. End of story. Rumor has it that Lisa just filmed a spin-off that will focus on her family and involvement in Sur. I will be heartbroken if she leaves this franchise but will definitely tune into the new program.
S2 Nickname: Tay Tay, LipWrecked
Overal Grade: A+
I give Taylor (aka Lipwrecked) a pass for her crazy behavior this season. I was sickened to see so many people, “friends” included, doubt that Russell abused her. Here’s a good rule of thumb: Always believe a woman when she claims her spouse brutalizes her. I did my best to treat her with kid gloves this season. That said, her breakdowns were EPIC. Who can forget the magical moment she drank a bottle of wine at Camille’s Colorado mansion and then went ape shit because she couldn’t find her makeup bag? “The floral one! Who took it!? The one with flowers! I’m not crazy! I’m not. CRAZY,” she stammered only moments before zipping herself up in a suitcase. Taylor spent the rest of the season rolling her eyes at Russell, flirting with a former “American Idol” contestant, and screaming, “You have NO IDEA what [Camille] has done to me. No idea! NONE! No. Idea! You have no idea!” We watched this all unfold as Tay Tay dropped down to her BIRTH WEIGHT. Joking aside, I was glad to see a stronger Taylor emerge at Kyle’s house this week.
S2 Nickname: Slut Pig!
Overal Grade: B+
I fell in love with Brandi the moment she hobbled her way in front of the camera. Brandi was this season’s Greek chorus, giving voice to almost everything viewers thought about ladies. Remember how I said “Slut pig!” was the line of the season. I take it back! The TRUE line of the season was, “At least I wasn’t in the bathroom doing crystal meth all night, BITCH,” directed at a very high Kimstal Meth RichTARDs. Brandi loses a few points for the high-pitch her voice adopts whenever she feels threatened by Kim. She earns bonus points for getting physical with Kim, calling Shrek a gay bullmastiff, never wearing a bra, painting a fake mole on her cheek, spending half the season on crutches, and repeatedly calling herself a slut.
S2 Nickname: Pam, $25,000
Final Grade: F
We were introduced to two new housewives this season. We’ve already discussed the fierce fabulosity of Brandi Glanville; now it’s time to talk about the other one. I stand by my initial assessment of Dana/Pam: Dana/Pam or her fiancé must have blackmailed Andy Cohen to get on this show because there’s NO WAY her personality, looks, or lifestyle won her a spot on season 2. Dana/Pam spent the season bragging about price tags, tanking the market value of every name brand she wore, and kissing the ass of a drug addict. From what I can tell, I have more furniture in my one-bedroom apartment than that climber and her fiancé have in their entire house. Dana/Pam was truly a waste of space. This woman wouldn’t be fit for The Real Housewives of Galveston, let alone The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Dana/Pam’s only talent seems to be making expensive clothing look REALLY cheap. Other than all THAT, I thought she was fabulous! That’s why I’m giving her a big, fat F.
Ragan Fox was one of the stars of Big Brother 12. He is a super fan of The Real Housewives franchise, and loves every iteration of the series, even DC. Now that is brand loyalty. His Housewives blogs are not suitable for children. Or adults.