Raise your hand if you’ve been salivating for the return of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
Us, too. Second to the presidential election, it’s the thing we’ve looked most forward to seeing go down for weeks. And having both things happen within 24 hours of each other makes this the Best Week Ever!
The season three premiere caught us up on the women of Beverly Hills, officially added Brandi Glanville to the cast, and replaced Camille Grammar with new blondie, Yolanda Foster. Lisa Vanderpump threw an anniversary party at her restaurant, Villa Blanca, where everyone (except Adrienne Maloof) came together for the first group scene of the season.
Everyone got along to start, but based on all the RHOBH promos Bravo has been running, this season will be an icy bitchfest. Hooray!
Here’s what went down on the season premiere:
Opening line: Life isn’t all diamonds and roses, but it should be.
So, here’s something unexpected: Apparently Lisa and Brandi are besties now. They two have bonded since last season, and Brandi was the first housewife to visit Lisa’s brand new house, which appeared just as ginormous as the last, but most importantly, was no longer across the street from the Maloofs.
The most notable features of the mansion: Lisa’s closet and master bath were easily the size of our entire house, and her master bedroom was pastel pink.
Her party at Villa Blanca served as the first social event of the season, and probably the only one that will result in civilized behavior. Apparently, Lisa was still angry at Adrienne for accusing her of selling info to tabloids, and purposely did not invite her. Such a familiar accusation between women on the various Housewife franchises, no?
Opening line: Money doesn’t give you class, it just gives you money.
Nobody could be happier than us that Brandi Glanville has been made an official cast member of this show, which benefited last season from someone with a little, uh, spunk. Brandi just a regular person, who lives in a regular house, and it’s absolutely refreshing to see somebody who just is without having to put on any big show. Plus, every reality show needs someone with no internal editor, and Brandi is that person on RHOBH.
Opening line: Know your friends, show your enemies the door.
We felt pretty sad seeing Adrienne and hubby, Paul, have lunch together knowing how their relationship would eventually play out. At least they weren’t bickering this time, but still. Not looking forward to seeing that relationship deteriorate before our eyes.
In other news, Adrienne discovered she was the only ‘wife who hadn’t been invited to Lisa’s Villa Blanca party.
Adrienne was hurt by the exclusion, and sent over to the party the hugest and most bizarre flower arrangement in existence: A tree trunk stuffed with various orange flowers. Someone theorized it was supposed to be an olive branch, but I don’t know what the hell was going on with that thing.
Opening line: Life is a journey and I’m finding myself every day.
Honestly, we’re kind of amazed that Kim is back for another season, but it’s nice to see her firing on all cylinders again. She’s still endearingly goofy, and now she’s sober, too.
She visited sister Kathy — Paris and Nicky’s mom — to borrow a prom dress for her daughter. Kathy asked daughter Kimberly if she’d gotten a boutonniere for her date, and both Kims were like, what’s that?
The elder Kim goes, “I’ve got a boot and I can hear!” Har har har.
She’s baaaaaaack, ladies and gents.
However, we’re hoping that her daughter’s prom date, age 20, doesn’t send her into a tailspin. While Kathy and Kyle warned her to keep a careful eye on the situation, she replied, “They said they’re waiting until they’re married (to have sex).”
Famous last words.
Opening line: I’m born and raised in Beverly Hills; this is my town!
Further cementing Mauricio as the best husband on RHOBH, he bought Kyle a brand new Maserati convertible. “I’ve done the mommy car thing for a while now, maybe it’s time to have some fun,” she said.
Side note to my hubby: I’ve been driving this Subaru mom-mobile for a while now. Maybe it’s time to have some fun. Friends, I’ll let you know if it works.
Kyle’s adorable daughter, Portia, also made some phone calls to invite all the ladies to her birthday party. Haven’t you heard? Toddler birthday parties are the new charity soiree. Just kidding. But at least there’ll be cake, right?
Opening line: I fought too hard for this zip code to go home now.
So, I guess that line means she won’t be going Oklahoma on anyone’s ass, or returning to Oklahoma for that matter.
The good news: She gained 10 pounds and doesn’t look like Skeletor anymore. She met up with Adrienne to shop for a new dress since all her other ones were too small.
During the excursion, the two friends dropped important fashion hints: “The bigger the purse, the smaller your butt. The higher the heel, the closer to God.” Word.
Opening line: l like to have fun but I don’t play games.
The ex-wife of Lisa’s super rich friend, Mohammed, and the current wife of Grammy award winning producer and composer, David Foster, Yolanda is the newest cast member.
We first met her at home, getting quick shots of her huge mansion, which included her extraordinary closet. In it, was housed the biggest collection of brown shoes we’ve ever seen. Not sure if she only wears brown shoes, or if that was just the brown section of the closet. But whatever. We covet.
She met the rest of the ladies at Lisa’s Villa Blanca party, and Brandi immediately told her/joked with her that she’d slept with everyone in town. Yolanda was horrified.
We also learned Yolanda and Kyle share the same birthday (Jan. 11), that Kim was a Virgo and Taylor was a Gemini. If you know anything about astrology, none of their signs are the least bit surprising.
What do you think of Yolanda?