The fiery war between Ramona Singer and Jill Zarin was reignited on this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of New York, setting the stage for the season’s definitive theme: blondes versus brunettes. You know NYC has more than few GAY, GAY, GAY story producers, ‘cuz blondes battle brunettes is ripped straight from the gay man’s guide to movie making. Before I get too deep—that’s what he said—into this week’s commentary, I’d like to revisit some of my favorite blonde and brunette (s)HO(w)DOWNS.
Showgirls’ Crystal (left) versus Nomi (right)
Mommie Dearest’s Christina, DAMN IT! (left) versus Joan Crawford (right)
And let’s not forget this classic face-off:
Madonna’s hair versus Madonna’s eyebrows (and bush) in Who’s That Girl
I’m glad to see NYC reinventing the wheel and giving its gay audience what it REALLY wants: blonde and brunette women battling TO THE DEATH. Let’s take a moment to appreciate two of Team Blonde’s strongest players: Ramonaphobia and Red Sonja. I’m sure you’re tired of my Ramona rants. Sorry, but when it comes to calling out Ramona for the drunken, evil homophobic mess that she is, EYE simply can’t help mEYEself.
This week, Ramona took publicity shots for her growing product line, known in most circles as Amway. “Ramona looks like a young Pamela Anderson,” Ramonaphobia’s assistant cooed, as the Pinot-popping eye-gomaniac posed for a photographer. Ramona was truly the face of beauty; check out this shot, which really belongs on the cover of Italian Vogue:
My favorite part of the photo shoot was when the guy in front of the computer began playing around with pictures—not that there’s ANYTHING to touch up on young Pam Anderson—and, for whatever reason, superimposed one of ‘Mona’s pop-eyes over her entire head.
This is how most of us see Ramonaphobia, right? Shoulders forever exposed and enormous eyes that take over her head. The image reminds me of my favorite Lisa Rinna photos:
And, with that, I introduce Ramonaphobia’s new nickname: pop-eye, or Popeye. “Her eye bags are green-o/‘cuz she loves her Pinot/She’s Pop-eye, the young Pam An-derson.”
While we’re on the subject of lady parts, let’s pay tribute to Red Sonja’s purple ass. Last week, Sonja went on and on about pecking orders and talked about how “one” should not dance with the help when “one” visits “one’s” home. This week, “Sonja with a ‘J’” (for JOINT) showed up to her own party wearing a period (not menstrual) piece mini-skirt, sans underwear. Check out the plum on her tookus:
That’s a bruise, right? I just want to make sure it’s not a skid mark; or a wine stain; or her labia.
This week, we also learned that the NUMEROUS men and women who work for “Sonja with a ‘J’” don’t make money, as in Sonja doesn’t PAY THEM for their services. Some of them have been flown in from overseas, only to do Sojna’s nails, trim and water her lady topiary, and fetch her muffins. That’s just slavery, right? Sonja tried to rhetorically frame the practice as an internship, which I don’t buy because Sonja has no real job, nor does she own/run a business. “But I’ve got LADY BUSINESS,” I can imagine her saying. Yes, Sonja, we’ve SEEN your lady business. The entire world is now intimately familiar with your lady junk.
At the party, Sonja made sure to bend over MULTIPLE times, each time exclaiming, “I’m not wearing any panties! I’ve lost my panties!” Good grief. Why not just underline your vagina with magic marker. OH! Now I know understand the purpose of her butt mark.
Before this blog entry comes to a close, can somebody explain WTF is going on at casa Barshop. Cindy’s ex-lover? boyfriend? sperm donor? (aka the father of her children) gave off a distinct gay vibe. Maybe it was his FUR COAT. Or the way he handled his spawn (e.g., holding them upside down and by the ankles). Or maybe it was the condom that came out of his mouth when he burped. I’m not judging! I just want to know the story.
There also seems to be something a little incestuous between Cindy and her brother. Hopefully, Cindy will follow the lead of other real housewives and pen a tell-all book. Maybe she already has written it!
Next week, the girls plan a trip to this year’s version of Scary Island: Morocco, where we see Count—not a typo—Luann get bucked off a camel and Pop-eye drinking and fighting her way into a epileptic seizure. Can’t wait!
Ragan Fox was one of the stars of Big Brother 12. He is a super fan of The Real Housewives franchise, and loves every iteration of the series, even DC. Now that is brand loyalty. His Housewives blogs are not suitable for children. Or adults.