After two episodes, we have much higher hopes for The Real Housewives of Miami than we did before we met the new cast members.
We couldn’t even make it through the whole first season, which was more boring than playing a game of Scrabble with Teresa Giudice, but it looks like Miami could live up to its spicy stereotype this time around.
Maybe that’s because this combination of self-centered and, um, spirited personalities is already heading toward some blowouts in the very near future. Here’s a list of the issues that arose in last night’s episode, as well as ways they could be resolved without much fuss. Then again, what fun would that be?
Problem: Joanna’s sister is staying with her and Roman, and accidentally walked in on him as he was getting in the shower. We now know that she saw “his nasty penis … his ding dong and his forest.” Roman exclaimed, “I trimmed it! I trimmed it!”
Solution: Everyone involved needs a lobotomy.
Problem: When Joanna’s fiance, Roman, first proposed to her, she kept putting him off because she was busy with work. Now, after five years, she’s decided she’s ready to get hitched, even though they’ve been having issues. He doesn’t really seem so interested now.
Solution: She could get a million other dudes if this one doesn’t work out.
Problem: She’s been separated from her husband for two years, and they have filled out the paperwork for divorce. However, they are still married, despite the fact they’re each in a new relationship.
Solution: Aren’t they both lawyers? File the damn paperwork already, geez.
Problem: Has apparently exchanged text messages and flirtations with Karent’s boyfriend, who of course, blamed the whole thing on Ana.
Solution: Ignore it. In time, Karent will probably realize that her dude is using all the classic tactics/excuses of a cheating boyfriend. She’ll apologize to Ana someday.
Problem: Karent took her boyfriend for a romantic couples massage during which they got covered in honey (?) and rose petals. She started talking to him about commitment and marriage, and when she looked over, he was sleeping.
Solution: Drink Red Bull before next couples massage.
Problem: Karent is a dentist, and she has a publicist to “help promote her business.”
Solution: Get a billboard.
Problem: Karent’s boyfriend was apparently texting Ana, including some flirty messages on Valentine’s Day. Karent believed everything her boyfriend told her, and decided Ana was just one of his many fans, not a threat. After all, he gets tons of tweets and Facebook messages from random women all the time. Did we mention Karent and her dude are in a long distance relationship?
Solution: You do the math.
Problem: Lisa’s husband has many photos of women and boobs in his plastic surgery office, but none of them are hers.
Solution: She brought several HUGE ones — photos, not boobs, although she has those, too– to his office so that his female clients will know he’s married.
Problem: She’s boring.
Solution: Show her as little as possible.
Problem: Agreed to live on a boat with her fiance, but doubts it will meet her high standards of living.
Solution: Don’t move onto a boat with him.
Problem: Was again overshadowed by her mother, Elsa, who came to Marysol’s office to cleanse people by dousing them with perfume and dropping rice on their heads.
Solution: She’s probably used to being in her mother’s shadow, so she might as well just ride it out and collect her paychecks from Bravo.
So, can Karent’s dude, Rodolfo, be trusted? Or is she, as Marysol said, living in ignorant bliss?