RHONJ: Caroline v. Teresa

While night’s Real Housewives of New Jersey was packed with drama, it was still fairly tame by Jersey standards. No melees ensued; instead, this was an episode of quiet endurance, showcasing a marathon argument between Caroline Manzo and Teresa Giudice that had been a long time coming.

Unfortunately, it was also a long-time ending as well. After Kathy Wakile tried to smooth things over by talking to Teresa about her rift with Caroline, Caroline shuddered at the idea of a reconciliation between her and Teresa. Instead, Caroline admittedly did her best to push Teresa out of her life for good, in front of everyone, while they all sat poolside during their last night of vacation.

Tre made another feeble attempt at sucking up to Caroline. But when Caroline began drudging up all her grievances, Teresa denied everything, stammered her way through the conversations and then erupted in nervous laughter, not unlike Beavis and Butt-head. Thing is, all the sticking points — the cookbook insults, the tabloid stories, the smack-talking she’s done about Kathy and Melissa Gorga, the bullying of Jacqueline — have been covered repeatedly throughout the season. So, while the argument was a lengthy one, all the material was old and haggard.

In the end, Teresa and Joe changed their plane tickets and went home early. In a show of support for his sister, Joe Gorga and Melissa went with them. “I love your brother,” Joe Giudice exclaimed. At least someone made nice this season.

Meanwhile, after a staunch session of insult-hurling, Caroline went to her hotel room and had a breakdown.

Here’s what else we took away from the episode.

1. Joe Gorga is always the first to disrobe. Thankfully, it was just for the hot tub, so we didn’t have to see any blurred out man parts.

2. Kathy constantly has her foot in her mouth. She means well, but for her to talk to Teresa about Caroline when Caroline was sitting right there was a ridiculous idea and the thing that prompted the whole fight. On this show, no good deed ever goes unpunished.

3. Caroline sure can unleash the menopause beast. After avoiding Teresa most of the season, Caroline let Teresa have it, calling her a “crazy bitch,” “ugly human being,” “a disgrace,” “a liar” and “a fraud.” Laying your cards on the table can be a good thing, but the name-calling  just made her look silly and immature. We expected more from you, mama bear.

4. Jacqueline is narcoleptic. That’s the only thing that can explain her ability to “sleep” through Caroline and Teresa’s fight. Nobody was buying your pretend sleeping, Jacqueline. You might as well have just gotten up and left if you didn’t want to be involved.

5. Caroline is old. At least, according to Teresa, who hammered down that point several times in the show. But it sure was a lot nicer than anything Caroline said to her, so it’s all good.

6. Caroline’s kids have her back. While Caroline has been sticking up for Melissa, Kathy and Jacqueline all season, when she needed someone to back up her claims with Teresa, everyone sat silently. They were all good with Teresa, plus they’re her family, so why go back to an ugly place with her? While holding grudges is lame, it is also ridiculous to pretend that nothing ever happened, either. So, Lauren took up for her mom, and her boys were also ready to go off from afar.

7. Tabloids are despicable. Over the course of this season, we’ve learned how sleazy the tabloids really are, and how much they’ll supposedly pay someone to help sell their magazines. Not only did Teresa supposedly strike a deal to do seven cover stories with one mag, apparently the same magazine offered Jacqueline $50K to talk crap about Teresa. However, Chris Laurita said Jax turned them down.

8. Joe Giudice’s overblown ego extends to his wife. While all the men were B.S.ing and talking about the tabloid situation, Joe said “I can’t help it if my wife sells more magazines than any stars out there.” Um, maybe that’s because she’s the only one lame enough to grant them interviews. I mean, you don’t see Angelina Jolie sitting down for an interview and cover shoot with In Touch magazine.

9. Blink and you’ll miss it. Man fights are quick, to the point, and over as quickly as they started. Chris Laurita confronted Joe Giudice about something he’d supposedly said about him. They discussed it for all of 45 seconds, made amends, had another drink together and wound up kissing each other on the cheeks. If this were the women, it would have lasted for three seasons. Oh, wait…

Did you watch the Watch What Happens interviews after the show? Are you salivating to see the reunion show?