The only reason I'm not drunk right now is because I had the good sense to stop drinking about 15 minutes into The Real Housewives of New Jersey. See, I had this bright idea to take a swig of wine every time the show made me cringe, just to make it a little easier to watch.
But after emptying a wine glass pretty quickly, I considered that my son wakes up earlier and louder than roosters do, and that I also had a dentist appointment — two events that would be highly unpleasant with a hangover. So I reluctantly switched to seltzer water and watches as Teresa Giudice hosted a book signing; Kathy Wakile hosted a dessert tasting; and Chris Manzo (Jacqueline's hubby, not Caroline's son) hosted a powwow for the husbands to discuss how they'd keep their wives from clawing out each other's smoky eyes out during their upcoming RV trip to Napa, California.
Here are the events that almost crippled our Monday morning:
Dummy quotes by Teresa: “What's a vineyard?” And apparently, nobody has told her yet that “ingredientses” is not a word.
Juicy Joe: Teresa took her husband along to the winery, where she was working on developing her own Bellini. He drank a lot, stammered out a few caveman-like sentences, and in general, made an ass of himself. Nothing new here, but at least we didn't have to see him shirtless this episode.
Teresa disses Bethenny? For shame! At one point Teresa discussed her Bellinis and said she didn't like the taste of low-cal drinks. Instead of leaving it at that, she continued, “Like Skinnygirl. It tastes diet-y.” Jealous much?
Time out: Did four-year-old Gino Gorga just punch his dad in the face, like, three times and Joe Gorga ignored it? Try that in our house and see how long your ass is sitting in the time out chair, kid.
Corny joke: “I made this cheese,” said Joe Gorga. “It's gorgonzola.”
“I own her”: Melissa Gorga spoke with her music dude about trying to score a record deal. Joe was all, “We don't need a label. I'm your label. … A record label doesn't need to own her. I own her.” Although he doesn't know crap about the music industry, he says, “If you have a set of balls and you're an entrepreneur, you can do anything.” Listen, buddy, there's a reason you don't go to the veterinarian to have a pap smear. Just sayin'.
Yo' mama! No, my mama!: Teresa and Kathy butted heads over the origin of the dessert recipes in Teresa's cookbook. Kathy says they belonged to her mother, while Teresa said they were her mother's recipes. To which we say, who gives a rat's ass? Just pass the damn pastries our way, would ya?
Folding towels: Really, Bravo? Did we really need to see scenes where Jacqueline and Teresa are simultaneously doing laundry at their homes? Because I am staring at a basket of unfolded laundry right now, and I don't need to feel like any more of a slacker.
“He's a keeper!”: That's what someone told Teresa about Joe Giudice at her book signing. Really, lady? Have you seen his rap sheet? Did you see him get drunk and knock his tooth out? Have you heard him shamelessly belch and fart at the same time? Your husband really must suck if Joe Giudice seems like a winner.
Jacqueline's screaming orgasm: So, Jacqueline, a cosmetologist, is helping Lauren Manzo score a bunch of different makeup brands to sell in her beauty bar. They went to a business lunch where Jacqueline a) ordered a screaming orgasm; b) explained that vajazzling means having a “pretty vagina,” and c) admitted that she enjoyed getting a vajazzling every so often. Then Lauren goes, “Jacqueline would be the kind of person to get a squirrel on her chuckie.”
Am I old?: I thought I was pretty up to date on slang, but I've never heard “chuckie” as a term for vagina.
What a tool: When the men gathered to talk, they started talking about the original source of contention between brothers-in-law Joe Gorga and Joe Giudice. Juicy Joe said, “I gave you tools and you didn't give them back. I had to go buy new tools.” You mean this whole thing could have been avoided if he'd just asked for his tools back? Good grief. Instead, Joey Gorga was like, “Whaddayd want, a f****in' trowel or something?”
Too close for comfort: Chris Manzo told the Joes that because of the recent rift between Teresa and Jacqueline, the Giudices would be riding in the RV with the Gorgas. Hope there's a fire extinguisher on that rig because sparks are bound to fly.
What an idiot: Said Chris Manzo of the Napa trip, “I'm afraid there's going to be fighting and drama, and that's not what this trip is about.” Some people never learn.