You know, it usually takes a while for reunion shows to ramp up to a level of crazy that exceeds anything we’ve seen on the show. But leave it to the Real Housewives of New Jersey to get right down to business. The women and their shimmering breasts got so wild right from the start, we were barely subjected to any flashback scenes.
Host Andy Cohen began by saying that all five women hadn’t been under the same roof together since the fashion show last year, which played out in last week’s season finale. And just a few minutes in, it was clear that the anger had been building over time.
Three main themes emerged during the first of three reunion episodes: Kid updates, accusations and good old-fashioned insults. The ‘wives can’t even discuss their own kids or parents without getting into it. And then, there was Rosie…
Jacqueline Laurita talked about her son Nicholas, 3, who was diagnosed with autism. She spoke of the family’s struggle, and broke down sobbing because he has regressed and now has a hard time communicating. He used to tell her he loved her, and now he doesn’t.
At this point, Teresa Guidice interjected to say Nicholas and her daughter, Audriana used to be boyfriend-girlfriend, but that they had to break up. Caroline was pissed that Teresa tried to make it about herself, and screamed, “You in your Christmas pageant dress! Sit back and shut the f*** up! We are talkin’ about this kid.”
Lauren Manzo arrived to reveal her new, post-Lap Band surgery body, and she looked stunning. Shortly after, Caroline and Teresa were yelling at each other about (insert dead horse here), and Teresa said to Caroline, “You have three rolls: Blubber, blubber, and blubber!”
“I wear ‘em proud. I have no Botox, no fillers,” retorted Caroline.
“You need some!,” yelled Teresa. “You’re on TV. You need some.”
Surprisingly, it was Lauren who went crazy on Teresa. “The things you’re saying to my mom is the reason people kill themselves — because of dickheads like you!”
Several accusations, new and old, were thrown into the mix.
– Teresa said the reason Jacqueline didn’t attend last year’s reunion was because she felt guilty about breaking up Teresa’s family. Truth: After recently receiving Nicholas’ autism diagnosis and having a huge blowout with Teresa, Jacqueline was too broken to function and bring the intensity and strength a reunion show requires.
– Jacqueline said she has a recording that proves Teresa knew all about the set-up to expose Melissa’s ex-stripperness. Truth: Teresa acknowledged she had it, and taunted her because it was illegal to play it.
– Teresa said Jacqueline spent the entire season setting her up to take the fall at the fashion show. Truth: Teresa is freakin’ ridiculous.
– Jacqueline said Teresa wanted her to “expose” Melissa and Kathy. She wanted her to reveal the stripper thing, and that Kathy hadn’t owned a designer handbag until she was 40. OMG! Stop the presses! Truth: Does anyone give two shits when Kathy got her first Coach?
– To change the subject of some asinine argument, Teresa accused Melissa of copying her once again: “That’s why you have glitter eyeshadow — I wore that last year on the reunion show!” Truth: Teresa is the only person in the world who has ever worn glitter eyeshadow, so I guess we’re ALL copying her.
– Lauren accused Teresa of having someone ghost-writing her blog, because Teresa was either unable (or unwilling) to spell and define “napalm,” a word she used in her blog. Truth: I think we can all agree she was probably unable.
This next portion really made up the bulk of the show. Most disagreements degenerated into the playground ritual of name-calling and insults.
Teresa to Andy: “I think (Caroline’s) kids are great. The one thing I have to say is, now they have blk water. But before that, they didn’t have jobs.”
Teresa to Caroline: “You old hag!”
Jacqueline to Teresa: “You’re a liar, you’re sick and you’re going to hell!” Teresa (wearing green): “You’re the devil because you’re wearing red again!” Jax: “Well, you’re green with envy!”
Teresa to everyone: “You breathe everything I do. You want to be me! I don’t know anything about you, you, you, or you, because I don’t give a f***! … All these people are insignificant to me.”
Teresa to Jacqueline: “Your middle name is calculating.”
Teresa to Kathy: “You are so disgusting, you are a piece of sh*t.”
“Let’s put Juicy Joe and Richie Wakile in a room and see him pick up more girls … Richie and his yellow teeth!”
TERESA V. KATHY
This fight got so intense, we felt it needed its own category. As Teresa and Kathy were bickering, Teresa goes, “you always complain about your in-laws. You almost got divorced from Richie!” Even my mother knows that, Teresa said.
Kathy came unhinged: “You are a liar! And your mother is a f***ing liar, too! Your mother told everyone I had Lap Band surgery.”
Teresa acted all insulted and moved to the other couch to sit next to Caroline. She told Kathy, “You are garbage, bring it on. Bring it on!” Teresa said that her own father had been more a part of Kathy and Rosie’s life than their own dad. Kathy got pissed, but it was Rosie, who was backstage, that went freakin’ ballistic.
“I WILL RIP HER F***ING HEAD OFF! SHE BETTER WATCH HER TONGUE OR I’LL CUT IT OUT! I WILL F***ING KILL HER!”
To be continued next week…
Is this the best reunion show you’ve ever seen, or what?