Is it just me, or have these past two episodes of The Real Housewives of New York been the best ones all season? This current St. Barths vacation is shaping up to be just as dramatic as the infamous Kelly Bensimon “Satchels of gold!” tropical jaunt from a few years back.
This week, Aviva Drescher arrived to St. Barths, where the other Housewives have already been vacationing, drinking and fornicating for a few days. But not all the ladies were excited to see her, being that she brought along her hubby, Reid, and all. (He served as moral support to help Aviva conquer her many phobias about traveling.) Even though Reid brought tons of work along to keep him away from the idiocy, Ramona and Sonja were upset because they thought that his presence on the compound would change the estrogen-filled dynamics of things.
Aviva wasn’t too happy about the lukewarm welcome they received, especially since getting there was “really, really hard” for her, a fact she brought up approximately 4,198 times. As you may have gathered from previews, all hell broke loose between her and Ramona, before Aviva even had time to take off her peach traveling blazer.
Other highlights from last night’s ep: Sonja flirted shamelessly with Tomas when he visited their house for the second time in two days. Ramona had more first world problems, and Carole got roped into more drama than she probably ever bargained for when she signed up for this show.
Here, we continue our countdown-style recap to determine the winners and losers from this year’s vacation. Last week, each cast member began with 50 points, and have gained and lost points based on what they’ve done and things that have happened to them.
– Wins the old lady flirt fest to mount French Johnny Depp lookalike (+3), but at what point will she be sad to be slurping LuAnn’s sloppy seconds? (-2)
– With her conquest, Sonja creates a loud commotion in one of the spare bedrooms. Heather walks in on Tomas, who is, um, barreling down Sonja’s back door. Heather says she now understand how Sonja gets all those bruises (-4)
– Next day, Sonja has new bruises (-2), but is as cheerful as a woman can be after having a one-night stand (+3)
– With Ramona, Sonja is topless in the swimming pool but fails to put on her bikini top when Aviva and Reid arrive. After all, why be modest now? (-1)
– When Aviva starts going bonkers on Ramona and Sonja, she calls them “white trash.” Sonja seems a bit more hurt by the insult, which perhaps stems from the above four entries on this list (-5)
– Tries to smooth things over with Aviva after the blowout, but later cries in her room because her feelings are hurt. Apparently the Tylenol she’s taking for her sore bottom does not help with hurt feelings (-2)
– Scenes keep changing from the women having a blast on St. Barths to Aviva and her angst-ridden airplane ride. Total buzzkill, and foreshadowing for what’s about to go down this ep (-3)
– Aviva has a “library of anti-anxiety songs” she’s cuing up for the plan ride. “The kind that make me want to dance are more of the emergency kind. This is more of a Chaka Khan moment than a Stevie Wonder moment.” Music is a good crutch, we’ll give her that (+2)
– After being at the house about 10 minutes, starts feuding with Ramona and Sonja. Aviva is offended that they didn’t want a dude present for their girls vacation, and thinks Reid should be placed upon a pedestal for getting her there (-2)
– Calls the two “ungracious,” “disgusting” and “white trash.” Clearly, she’s never seen Here Comes Honey Boo Boo (-3)
– Aviva complains to Carole, and demands they apologize or she’s staying elsewhere. “I’m not staying here under these conditions. … I don’t want (Reid) staying in a house where they are not rolling out the red carpet for him.” In fact, Aviva said she expected “a party” upon arrival. Since when are they required to throw parties when people overcome personal issues? And if they did, wouldn’t they already be exhausted from celebrating Sonja’s ability to sit down without using a donut pillow earlier that day? (-6)
– Later, when Sonja and Ramona try to make nice, Aviva refuses to let it go and enjoy the vacation. “I went to law school. I went to Vassar and I speak several languages. I hear and understand everything.” Understand this, then: We’re glad Reid is here so he can escort your wacky ass right back home (-3)
– Although Aviva agrees to go to dinner, she makes snide, passive-aggressive remarks. She brags to Carole and LuAnn, “See, when I get really pissed, I’m relentless.” Watch out, Aviva. Nothing bites quite as hard as a snapping turtle… and we haven’t seen Turtle Time happen yet on this trip. (-5)
– Follows Tomas around the house, peppering him with questions and accusations about being there the previous night with LuAnn. With her crazy eyes in effect the whole time, it quickly borders on stalking (-4)
– He finally escapes and returns to the group, where he reports — only half jokingly — that Ramona is “the crazy one.” (-3) However, to her benefit, Ramona doesn’t turn out to be the conductor of the Crazy Train in this episode (+1)
– Rents a boat for the group, aboard which she poses for bikini pictures with Sonja and happily floats in the ocean (+3)
– Unfortunately, more first world problems arise for Ramona once she’s back on the yacht. To the crew: “You don’t have a canopy? Seriously? Seriously? Can’t you turn this boat around?” Instead, the two guys hold up towels to shield Ramona, Sonja and LuAnn from the sun (-7)
– Minutes after Aviva and Reid arrive, Aviva GOES OFF because Ramona and Sonja aren’t throwing themselves at Reid’s feet, thanking him for delivering their neurotic friend to the island. Aviva calls Ramona “ungracious,” “disgusting,” “mean” and “white trash” (-4)
– When Ramona can’t get Aviva to mellow out by screaming “CALMMMM DOWNNNNNNN!,” she tries to deflect some of the ire toward LuAnn, since LuAnn wasn’t really too keen on Reid staying in the house, either. Because yelling and starting additional fights is always a good way to quell an intense situation (-3)
– Eventually, Ramona apologizes to Aviva for not creating a shrine to Reid, but admits in confessional it was just to appease Aviva, not because she was really sorry. Whatever the reason, Ramona never apologizes, so good for her (+2)
– Topless sunbathing, but didn’t make a big deal about it. Cool Carole, as usual (+2)
– Winds up refereeing the whole Aviva/Ramona/Sonja kerfuffle instead of going to see her boyfriend rehearse. The person who creates the least drama always ends up in the middle of it all (-5)
– Walks in on Tomas putting his French roll in Sonja’s toaster oven, and is officially traumatized for life (-10)
– Forges a bond with Carole this trip, and is one of the few people that Carole talks to about her late husband (+2)
– The Countess is virtually silent the entire time Tomas is at their house. The only time she speaks, it’s to reiterate her story about her
French Kiss-And-Don’t-Tell Italian friends, and to tell Ramona to back the eff up off her boy toy acquaintance (-3)
Whose side are you on: Aviva, or Sonja and Ramona?