Watching this season of The Real Housewives of New York has been like watching a flower blossom. At first, the Housewives’ petals opened slowly, unpeeling layers of the new cast members, highlighting dramatic arguments here and there. But when the sun finally shone on the group in St. Barths and it was drenched with essential liquid — in this case, alcohol — the flower of terror went into full bloom.
With the season finale set for next week, this thorny rose is enjoying its last days of awesomeness before wilting up for the season.
He’s baaaaaack!: So, Aviva’s dad, George, and his flicking tongue visited New York, where the father-daughter team went shopping and spent $450 at a vitamin store. Aviva got some vitamin D, while George ordered up a bunch of remedies to help him get it up, because his 20-year-old fashion model “friend” was going to be in town. “She looks like you,” he told Aviva, “except she’s black.” Does anyone else find it creepy that he wants to hump someone that reminds him of his daughter?
Anyway, he told Aviva he would also like to “do overtures to Carole Radziwill.” Aviva flat-out told him no, that Carole was her only close friend, and she didn’t want him trying to lay his bronze pipe with her. He goes, “We’re not going to have orgies and debauchery. I will email her. I will pitch a love letter to her.” The fact that he thinks he has a chance in hell with Carole is hi-freakin’-larious to me, but whatever. He’s 80. Let him have his little fantasy.
Divorce court: Sonja went to meet with her ex, with whom she appears to still be in love, regarding their divorce settlement. Except she didn’t meet with him. They were in separate rooms, with their lawyers as go-betweens. Sonja was distraught, and realized that A) he didn’t care about her, co-parenting or the financial well-being of her or her daughter; and B) she was going to have to sell off one of her many homes to make ends meet.
She had his portrait removed from the dining room, and at the last minute, decided to remove her own portrait as well, finally packing away the last shred of their marriage together. LuAnn was on hand for the painting unhanging and held Sonja’s hand while she cried.
Work it, girl: Heather was planning out a spectacular event to raise funds for her cause, which provides money to families whose children need organ transplants, a procedure that can cost upwards of $400K. Heather asked Aviva to walk as a model in the show. No word on whether Aviva has a modeling phobia, too.
Brunch brouhaha: Apparently, Ramona called Aviva’s ex, Harry, to ask him, Hey, what up with all Aviva’s damn phobias? Aviva found out about it and was livid, so she asked Ramona to brunch to discuss it. Ramona breezed in, and for the first five minutes of the meeting, could not be bothered to remove her sunglasses. She did, however, make time to insult Aviva’s choice of tea. “My grandmother used to drink camomile tea!” she said.
Before they addressed Harry, they rehashed St. Barths again, tossing around insults (disgusting!,” “buzzkill!”) before really getting down to it. Aviva said Ramona was a drunk old woman who acted inappropriately on vacation, and had no business gyrating on tables until 2 a.m. She accused her of sleeping naked with, and spooning, Sonja. Aviva said Ramona enabled Sonja’s alcohol problem, and the only reason she hung out with Sonja was so that she wouldn’t look like such a lush in comparison.
Ramona told Aviva that her real obsession was Reid, and that she ruined the entire vacation for everyone. Ramona called her a viper, and said, “You drive me to have diarrhea!” Sadly, this would not be the last time Ramona brought up her digestive issues.
Abuse-a-thon: Ramona threw an all-woman event to raise money for victims of domestic abuse. Aviva didn’t come, but send her dad over with a check — and a mission. He was hell-bent on getting Ramona to apologize to Aviva, who believed everyone was ridiculing her phobias. Of course, Ramona felt SHE was owed the apology, so she said she didn’t want their money until Aviva apologized to HER. Um, isn’t this a fundraiser for other people, Ramona? You don’t turn down money just because you don’t like someone.
Anyhoo, George lightly grabbed Ramona’s arm in an attempt to get her to listen; she flipped, and wanted him to be escorted out. Ramona explained to Carole her side of the brunch incident, saying it had given her diarrhea. She said ‘diarrhea’ about four to five more times; Carole tried, unsuccessfully to stifle her gag reflex. At this point, being molested by George probably seemed more appealing, so Carole approached him and tried to mediate the awkward situation, telling George that this was not the place to talk to Ramona. To which he said, “I’m gonna be here until Thursday, can I invite you to dinner?” And by that, he meant, can I give you a squirter?
Finally, Ramona had George escorted out. Carole walked him to the elevator, and he was bitter about being booted from the party after contributing thousands of dollars. He told Carole Ramona was a “trailer turd.” We actually thought she was a diarrhea diva, but maybe that’s just us.
Next week is the season finale, in which everyone will go apesh*t on each other at Heather’s carefully planned soiree. Let the good times roll!
Tell us: Team Ramona or Team Aviva?