It’s been a while since this happened, but we thoroughly enjoyed last night’s Real Housewives of New York from beginning to end.
Five of the six women embarked on their all-girls trip to St. Barths, while Aviva Drescher remained at home to confront her phobia of flying. The ladies managed to get along the entire episode, which left them free to participate in other tomfoolery, such as complaining about various things in paradise and getting Jersey Shore wasted in a bar.
First, let’s cover the First World Problem bellyaching they did:
– “Oh, we wanted PINK champagne, darling,” Ramona told the house boy, who served her the wrong kind while she was poolside.
– “I’ve never had a spring roll this dry,” said Sonja, complaining about the personal chef’s food.
– “What’s with all this wind?” cried Ramona, while spending the day on the most gorgeous beach ever.
– And poor little Heather has never even been to St. Barths… because she always goes to Turks and Caicos instead.
After they all got settled in their gorgeous, sprawling rental property, the plan for St. Barths was this: Each women would get to plan one day’s activities. Sonja’s day came first, so the women spent a day at the beach, then went to a sexy-swanky night spot for cocktails. And that’s when the 40-somethings consumed copious cocktails and wound up dressed like pirate wenches, dancing atop a bar — some of them without panties (ahem, Sonja!).
But it was apparently LuAnn who lost her panties for good later that night, when she brought home a man from the bar — and got caught.
We figured we’d keep a scorecard for their trip to see who comes out on top at the end. Each woman starts with 50 points and will gain and lose points based on things they do and things that happen to them during vacation.
– Sipped tequila shot like she was drinking scalding hot coffee. She could use a drinking lesson from Snooki and company (-2)
– While all the other ladies made drunken fools of themselves dancing on the bar in skimpy pirate uniforms, LuAnn spent her time flirting with a Johnny Depp lookalike. Harmless enough at this point, right? (+1)
– LuAnn brought home said JD lookalike with her at 3 a.m. If you’re going to cheat, probably best not to do it while other people are around (-4)
– Called Jacques the next morning, told him what a GREAT TIME she had with some “Italian friends she hadn’t seen forever.” Her nose grew at least a half-inch during this scene (-1)
– When the other housewives started asking questions about her early morning guest, she stuck with her “Italian friends,” story. Then she made another phone call to do damage control, asking that her Jack Sparrow kept their rendezvous to himself. She spoke in French, but did she forget she was wearing a mic? Of course you know the fat lady is nowhere near singing on this one (-2)
– Thought she was running outside, but just like a bad Windex commercial, she ran nose-first into a sliding glass door on her first day of vacation (-4)
– Somehow got roped into another discussion/debate with Sonja about the branding of that stupid toaster oven (-2)
– Knew LuAnn brought home the pirate at 3 a.m., and felt that she “couldn’t let it go.” Heather, maybe just this is one time you shouldn’t holla, OK? Mind your own business — this kind of thing always comes out on its own (-1)
– Was smart enough to secure one of the pool houses as her digs, to ensure a private sanctuary away from Ramona, Sonja and LuAnn (+5)
– Carole’s boyfriend — who was on the island for a music show — came to visit for the night, and they presumably get to knock some boots in a romantic locale (+3)
– Made us laugh out loud with this comment regarding Lu’s elusive guest: “I was awoken by two male voices. One was LuAnn’s.” (+2)
– Admitted that she gave bar patrons a show while dancing on top of the bar. Is it a requirement now that all reality shows must have one person willing to show their vagina? (-3)
– Had a raging hangover the next day, and there was no toaster oven in sight in which to make a delicious hangover breakfast (-1)
– Claimed for herself and Sonja the sprawling master suite of the house. Fine by everyone else; they were happy to have the crazy contained in one room (+3)
– Carole willingly gave it to her to keep Ramona from pouting the entire trip. “To avoid a tantrum, sometimes you have to give her a lollipop,” Carole said. (-2)
– Was thrilled that their house included a vending-type machine filled with different wines (+2), but none of them was the Ramona pinot (-1)
– Reported that hungover Sonja was “coma toast.” (-3)
– Aviva Skyped with Heather and Carole and said she decided to come for the weekend (+2)… with her husband (-2), who will be staying at the housewives compound (-3)
– Too bad she already missed the one day that everyone got along. The first day of a Housewives vacation is usually the only fun one (-1)
FIRST ST. BARTHS SCORECARD:
Who do you think will win and lose the vacation contest?