This week, the ladies of NYC ended season 4 by spending an hour-and-a-half talking over one another, slinging barbs, and laughing like hyenas. The second half of the reunion special signals the end of what has proved to be a bloated season of a now-ailing (in terms of story) franchise. Sometimes, Mr. Cohen, less is more. Will Bravo wise up, re-cast the show and demand FEWER episodes next season? Only time will tell. Until then, let’s reflect on the season via professorial assessment.
Name: Alex McCord
S4 Nickname: Crypt Keeper
S4 Superlative: Most Likely to Include a Mug Shot in Her Modeling Portfolio
Favorite Classes: Photography, Drama
Overall Grade: D
This season, Alex somehow managed to simultaneously be in the center of all the drama and an utter bore. Life must be hard when your husband Slime-on’s male kaftans and Technicolor dream coats constantly upstage you. On the plus side, Alex made it through yet another year without her son Francois killing her in her sleep. THAT alone is worth a “D,” right? She gets bonus points for unintentional comedy that took the form of her latter day modeling career.
Name: Cindy Barshop
S4 Nickname: SINdy
S4 Superlative: Most Likely to Have a Brother who Dates Women who Look EXACTLY Like Her
Favorite Class: Economics
Overall Grade: C+
SINdy provided a season of ups and downs—and I don’t mean that in a Sonja way. Here’s the rollercoaster ride I took with Ms. Barshop.
- Up: Putting Ramona in her place at the start of the season, and keeping shit real in the midst of Sonja’s riDICKulous “pecking order” monologue.
- Down: HangerGatec
- Up: When she was in Morocco and told Sonja, “There’s no pecking order HERE, babe.”
- Down: Taking a conference call at Sonja’s toaster-oven breakfast.
- Up: Calling ALL the girls—brunettes included—on their bullshit in the FIRST half of the reunion special.
- Down: Saying no more than 3 syllables in the SECOND half of the reunion special.
Name: Jill Zarin
S4 Nickname: Jizz
S4 Superlative: Most Likely to Fart in Her Hand and Smell It When Nobody’s Looking
Favorite Class: Newspaper (gossip section)
Overall Grade: C-
Nothing is worse than fan hate taming a reality show shrew. Fan vitriol is singlehandedly responsible for sucking so much fun out of my two favorite fire-headed reality TV villains: Jill Zarin and one of my real-life BFFs Rachel Reilly (from Big Brother 12 and 13). Jill and Rach have a lot in common: they’ve got unnaturally red hair; they were two of reality TVs most notable 2010 villains; when push comes to shove, they’ve got kind hearts; and they have both spent 2011 trying to repair their image. Fans, take note: Too much of a heated reaction to bad behavior is NOT a good thing. Jill spent most of S4 self-editing, choosing her words carefully, and eating crap sandwiches from people like Ramonaphobia and Alex. Bring back feisty Jill, please. I keep waiting for Jill (AND Rachel) to bust down a front door with a, “Ha, ha, ha! I’m back, bitches!”
Name: Kelly Killoren Bensimon
S4 Nickname: KILLoren
S4 Superlative: Most Likely to Psychologically Project. For example, “Alex, you’re weird. You’re crazy. Breathe. You’re not okay. I worry about you.” Ditto, Kelly; ditto.
Favorite Classes: Psychology, Special Ed.
Overall Grade: F
KILLoren was Queen of Fail this season. Sure, compared to the previous two seasons, she wasn’t a raging lunatic, but what’s the point of having her on the show if she’s not rambling on and on about the year 1979, satchels of gold, Al Sharpton, and white noise? The good news: Kelly’s therapist is New York’s best. The bad news: Kelly’s therapist is New York’s best. If Kelly can’t deliver shit like this:
…I don’t care to see her in season 5. The one quasi-nice thing I’ll say about her is that she looks like she drowned in a pool of bronzer. Unfortunately, she survived.
Name: LuAnn de Lesseps
S4 Nickname: The Count LuMANn de LeSUCKS
S4 Superlative: Most Likely to Open a Dig with “Darrrrrling”; Most Likely to Fall in Love with a Man that Looks Exactly Like Her
Favorite Class: Boys PE
Overall Grade: A-
Normally, falling in love puts a spring in a person’s step. Falling in love actually made LuMANn MEANER. De LeSUCKS had some of the best zings of the season, including, “Go back to the closet from which you came”; and, regarding Alex’s “Hermen Munster shoes,” “Well, even Louis Vuitton makes mistakes.” If things stay on this track, I expect LuMANn to spend half her wedding day decapitating Alex and feasting on Ramona’s heart. Viva LuMANn!
Name: Ramona Singer
S4 Nickname: Ramonaphobia
S4 Superlative: Most Likely to Be Drunk by Noon; Most Likely to Think “Functioning Alcoholic” is a Compliment; Most Likely to Have a Pickled Ovary
Favorite Class: Life Science (which, at her school, was also called Creationsim)
Overall Grade: A+
Ramona earns an A+ because she was, hands down, the NYC housewife who engaged in the LEAST self-editing. Sure, Ramona exposed herself—and I don’t mean “exposed herself” in a Sonja way—to be petty, a homophobe, and an alcoholic; but she did it with panache. She earned bonus points for treating glasses of Pinot Grigio like her life-saving EpiPen and, without a hint of irony or future remorse, calling Jizz’s stepdaughter “deformed” because she has a birthmark on her face. Ramona may very well be one of the most deplorable people on reality TV (which is saying something) and, for that, she’s valedictorian of S4.
Name: Sonja Morgan
S4 Nickname: Red Sonja
S4 Superlatives: Most Likely to Have Sex with “the Help”; Most Likely to Call Her Employees “the Help”; Most Likely to Show Labia at a Dinner Party; Most Likely to Think Cooking Out of a Toaster Oven is a NOVEL Concept
Favorite Class: Sex Ed
Overall Grade: B-
Sonja Morgan symbolizes everything that’s wrong with America today. She has no real job and is $20 MILLION in debt, but somehow manages to live a luxurious life. Evidently, Wall Street AND Sonja Morgan are “too big too fail.” Red Sonja’s “pecking order” speech will go down as one of the most cringe-worthy moments in NYC Housewives history. That said, I admire her for holding her head up high (and panties DOWN LOW) in the midst of hard times.
Ragan Fox was one of the stars of Big Brother 12. He is a super fan of The Real Housewives franchise, and loves every iteration of the series, even DC. Now that is brand loyalty. His Housewives blogs are not suitable for children. Or adults.