Some people say it isn’t nice to judge. It’s safe to say those people probably aren’t fans of the Real Housewives franchise, because the ladies of the successful Bravo franchise spend more time judging each other than they ever do enjoying each other’s company.
So, we thought it was high time someone judged the Real Housewives. Each season, in every city, the ‘wives introduce themselves with a one-sentence description of themselves during the show’s opening that is supposed to reflect their role in the show. Many of them are empty and banal — much like the ladies themselves — but some are worse than others.
We’ve rounded up lines from the most recent seasons of the most popular Real Housewives cities. See how each woman ranks — and tell us whether or not you agree our assessment.
REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY
5. “We’re old school. We believe in respect,” Kathy Wakile
You don’t have to be old school to believe in that. Thank you, try again.
4. “Life is short. I have no time for drama,” Caroline Manzo
Please! If that were really true, you’d have quit this show after season one.
3. “When times get tough, you learn who your real friends are,” Teresa Giudice
And if you look around and don’t see any friends left, maybe you should reexamine yourself.
2. “I’m a Vegas girl. I will call your bluff,” Jacqueline Laurita
She actually does herself a favor here by distancing herself a little from her NJ brethren.
1. “I never throw the first punch, but I’m always a knockout,” Melissa Gorga
It’s true, Melissa isn’t much of an instigator. But she can certainly do battle when the time comes. The fact that she’s also the other kind of knockout is not lost on us, either.
REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY
5. “I thank God every day for my life, and you would too,” Alexis Bellino
Too bad the Big Guy forgot to hand Alexis any brains.
4. “My tank is full, and I’m driving into my future,” Vicki Gunvalson
I’m telling you, if I have to hear any more about Vicki’s tanks next season, I don’t know if I can keep watching. Hopefully, she at least empties out her a-hole tank and kicks Brooks to the curb.
3. “Don’t call me a princess, call me a boss,” Gretchen Rossi
How about if we just call you a ignoramous for dating Slade?
2. “I may be married to a plastic surgeon, but I’m 98 percent real,” Heather Dubrow
Now, that IS an anomaly among this cast. We don’t blame her for being proud.
1. “I call the shots in my life now, and I have good aim,” Tamra Barney
Tamra’s line suited her personality and accurately portrayed that she’d gained control of her life again, which was a major theme of the season. The quality of her aim, however, is debatable.
REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK
6. “My success is built by making women look and feel their best. Holla!,” Heather Thomson
I mean, she said “holla!” Do we really need to say anything else?
5. “To some people, living elegantly just comes naturally,” LuAnn deLesseps
“…especially if living elegantly means humping pirates while on vacation!”
4. “Never underestimate a woman born and raised in New York City,” Aviva Drescher
Noted. But we certainly overestimated Aviva’s sanity at the beginning of this season.
3. “I’m not afraid to say what everyone else is thinking,” Ramona Singer.
Ramona, let’s be honest. Nobody is thinking the things that come out of your mouth.
2. “A little Sonja will spice up any party,” Sonja Morgan.
The first person to get naked always does!
1. “I may be a princess, but I’m definitely not a drama queen,” Carole Radziwill
It’s proven to be much truer than Ramona’s assessment of herself.
REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA
6. “I know how to work it and be seen,” Cynthia Bailey
Not surprisingly, Cynthia’s opener is just as boring as she is.
5. “I like things that are elegant and sophisticated, just like me,” Sheree.
This line would be more accurate if it said, “I like things that are elegant and sophisticated, I just can’t afford them.”
4. “I’m the ultimate Southern Belle. I get what I want.” Phaedra Parks.
It’s not the worst one we’ve ever heard, but we’d much rather hear Phaedra’s opener begin with “Everyone knows…”
3. “I have fame and fortune and I’ve earned it,” Kandi Burruss
True, but you also have a sex toy line. Surely, you could have come up with something better than that.
2. “People call me a gold digger, but they just want what I have,” Kim Zolciak
Now, to be fair, we have called her a gold digger in the past. But we agree that most of the women hated on her last season because they were jealous.
1. “When I walk into the room, I own it!,” NeNe Leakes
Between her stature and her big mouth, truer words have never been spoken.
REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS
5. “I finally found my voice, and I’m not afraid to use it,” Taylor Armstrong
Last season, she also found the bottom of
4. “Having it all is easy, if you’re willing to work for it,” Adrienne Maloof
Sadly, Adrienne now has it all, minus one.
3. “People try to figure me out but I’m one of a kind,” Kim Richards
Yeah. That’s one way to put it.
2. “I’m not the richest girl in Beverly Hills, but I’m the luckiest,” Kyle Richards
What? Someone on this show with humility? Amazing.
1. “Life in Beverly Hills is a game, and I make the rules,” Lisa Vanderpump
Rule No. 1: Let your dog drink out of champagne glasses and dress him like Prince.